Defective Magic of Spooky Doom
by ladyanaconda
Summary: All his life, Zim was different from the other kids. He never understood why until he received a letter that changed his life forever. Invited to attend Irkharth Academy of Magic and Witchcraft, Zim will make new friends and rivals while trying to become the greatest wizard ever... if he doesn't burn the school down first, that is.
1. Of Lions and Orphaned Irkens

**Okay, everyone, welcome to the world of Defective Magic! Before we begin, I'll clarify a few points.**

**First of all, in this au, the main setting is Earth, but humans already co-exist with aliens. The other planets will be constantly mentioned and may even appear later on, but that will depend on how the story flows. **

**Secondly, Irkens don't depend on PAKs to live. They are more like an intelligent phone connected neurally to their hosts, except they aren't phones (though communicators are integrated) and have lots of accesories such as the limbs, cannons, weapons, or anything their owners install on them. PAKs are exclusively used by the Irken Military, the Tallest and high-ranking or influential Irkens who can afford them. Irken witches and wizards _don't_ use them. **

**Thirdly, this AU is sort of a mixture of Harry Potter and Little Witch Academia, so you'll find references to both series, though it's mostly influenced by the former.**

**Well, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 1- Of Lions and Orphaned Irkens**

* * *

It all started with two Irkens born on the same day, yet who had very different fates. Both were born on November 8th, with several hours in-between. Still, this time-lapse would make a considerable difference in their lives when the time came.

One of the smeets was a little girl. She was born on a cold, clear night. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was the loving gaze of both her parents. Her mother held her warmly against her chest. The smeet laid her head on her chest, soothed by the familiar heartbeat as her father tenderly stroked her cheek. Curious, she reached out her arm to grab onto his finger with an inquisitive squeak.

"How will we call her?" The smeet's tiny black lekku twitched as her father spoke.

"I was thinking… How about Ilk?" The smeet looked up at her mother. That was the voice she had heard inside the dark, safe place! She giggled and reached out her little hands up to her face, wanting to be closer to her.

The tall, male Irken smiled. "She likes it," that said, he kissed his wife's forehead. "Ilk it is, then."

Meanwhile, a few streets away from the heartwarming scene, another smeet came into the world, this one a male. Born a few hours earlier than his female counterpart, the first thing he saw was the cold, unfeeling robot arm that brought him out of his warm, safe place. Almost immediately, he began to shriek, wanting his mother to hold him, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

The smeet continued to cry for hours afterward. The Irkenette didn't dignify him with a word as she put him into a basket and carried him away to an orphanage. It was known as 'The Miserable Place for the Miserable, Parentless Kids,' or MPMPK for short. The irkenette placed her charge on the front door's steps. For a few brief seconds, as she glanced down at her smeet, she hesitated. Eventually, though, she forced herself to walk away from the scene, leaving her wailing child behind.

At that hour, most of the orphanage's residents were asleep. The only person roaming the halls was a female Vortian with peachy skin known as Hecate. Since the orphanage couldn't afford to pay human employees, it had taken to hiring non-humans, though currently, Hecate was the only alien working there. At that moment, she was doing her rounds to make sure all the children were inside their rooms.

It was thanks to this that she heard the wailing coming from the door. Curious, Hecate made her way to the door through the dimly lit corridors of the building. As she pushed it open slightly, she found no one there, but the wailing continued. As she lowered her gaze, Hecate gasped upon finding the basket with a tiny Irken smeet tucked in it. The poor thing was crying his lungs out.

Hecate quickly unlocked the door and picked up the crying smeet. As soon as he realized he was being held, the Irken's cries diminished into sniffles as he snuggled against her chest, looking for warmth. The Vortian looked around for his mother but found no one.

"You poor thing…" Hecate whispered as she picked up the basket and carried it inside, holding the smeet in her other arm. "It's cold out there. It will be warmer in here, little one."

The smeet, happy to be held for a change, gurgled and started suckling on his thumb.

As she made her way to her room, she saw a note amongst the blankets.

_Hello, my name is Zim._

* * *

_ 12 years later…_

* * *

Zim was abruptly awakened by the loud sound of a bell. It rang at seven a.m. every single day of the week. His frustrated groan was soon joined by a multitude of murmurs coming from the adjacent rooms to his. Rather than waking up like the rest, Zim tried to go back to sleep, but the bell wouldn't allow it: it was programmed to keep ringing until all the children were out of bed.

"Stupid hyoomans," Zim growled, putting old an old gray shirt and pants. The clothing was old and with a few holes in them, but he couldn't afford anything better. No one there could.

Zim made his way towards the (literal) mess hall, where all the other orphans had already taken their single bowl of cold soup, hard bread, and taken their seats. They eyed Zim warily, avoiding any sort of contact with him. Nobody liked the alien. He was not only weird in his attitude, but also in certain other… aspects. Though most were likely to avoid him, others liked picking on him to let him know just how hated he was.

Being the only Irken in that place, Zim was always picked on by the other kids. It didn't help that Zim had quite a bad temper, and the slightest provocation, be it accidental or intentional, was enough to send him into a yelling fit. This always gave them more fuel to their fire.

Zim grabbed his tray of food and went to his usual place in the farthest empty table, right next to the window. Despite the warm, clear day on the outside, the atmosphere was anything but enjoyable in that place. Zim quietly took sips from his soup, glancing through the window every now and then. He always scowled resentfully at the children who passed by with their parents. How dare they be happy when he was as miserable as possible?

Ouch! Something came into contact with his head. It was an empty soda can. The reaction was immediate. "Who did this?!" Zim yelled, clutching the can and holding it up as he jumped onto the table. "Who dares throw an empty drink container at my head?!" This caused the rest of the children to burst out into laughter, angering him even more.

"Zim, sit down!"

Zim and all the children went quiet when a tall, pale woman dressed in black slithered into the room. Miss Bitters was the orphanage's director. As her name implies, she is a dark, foul-tempered, and unhappy woman who did her best to make the children just as miserable as she was. Even Zim tried not to cross her. He'd never admit it, but she freaked him out.

"Okay, you little brats, as you know, the orphanage doesn't have enough dungs to waste on giving you a proper field trip," Miss Bitters growled. "However, this year, someone was foolish enough to make a donation, so the orphanage will take you to the zoo." She announced in an unpleasant voice, further scowling when the children whooped and cried in joy. "We'll be leaving in half an hour, so be ready, or you'll be left behind."

Zim was amongst the first to dash to the door, only to be knocked down by a large boy with orange hair.

"Out of the way, weirdo!" The boy had snapped.

Zim glared at the perpetrator. Torque, the orphanage's official bully and his tormentor from a long while back. He would have responded with a fitting insult, but right now, his main concern was to get ready for the trip. The kids rarely got to leave the orphanage unless they were adopted or turned eighteen, whatever happened first.

"Out of my way! Zim coming through!" The twelve-year-old Irken dashed through the corridor, avoiding ramming into children or merely pushing them out of his way, as was the case with Zita.

He quickly made his way outside, where an old, worn down yellow bus was waiting. Zim came to a stop right at the closed doors. This may seem dumb, but Zim always wanted to be at the front, so he still got ahead to save his place. So he stood there for the past twenty minutes despite the heat and the sweat running down his body.

"Zim? What are you doing?" His lekku perked up.

"I am merely reserving my place ahead of time, Hecate!"

Hecate laughed. She wondered if most Irkens spoke like that during their youth, or if only Zim did. "Here, let me lend you some shade." She held out an open umbrella to cover herself and Zim.

Hecate was perhaps the only friend Zim had in that place. Being a fellow non-human and the one who raised him since his arrival, she knew him better than anyone and understood how he felt.

"Are you excited? This is the first time you're going on a field trip."

Zim nodded his head. "Indeed. Finally, I can get away from the pesky hyoomans children!"

"Hum, Zim, you do know they are coming too, right?"

"As long as they stay out of my way, I don't mind. Especially Torque! Curse you, Torque!" Zim waved his fist up in the air.

"Zim, watch your language," Hecate said with a slightly stern tone. She knew it was futile, though. Trying to convince Zim to drop a habit was like wanting to persuade a chicken to fly.

Finally, the bus door opened. Zim was the first to climb up and claim a seat in the front row like he wanted. Hecate sat down next to him just as the rest of the children trickled in, or rather rushed to get in like wild animals. Zim laughed at them, earning annoyed glares. Once everyone was accounted for, the driver closed the doors and departed, ignoring the yells from the kids who didn't make it in time.

The ride to the zoo lasted half-an-hour thanks to the lack of traffic. It was Sunday, so most people were enjoying the weekend in their homes. Zim, in particular, enjoyed the city's landscape. It was his first time out of the orphanage, so naturally, he was very excited.

As they arrived at their destination, however, his mood soured yet again when Hecate cried out once they got off the bus. "Everyone make pairs! Nobody can be without a partner!"

Zim didn't even bother to try and just stood there as the other children made pairs. Aki with Alex. Brian with Melvin. Zita with Poonchy. In the end, he was the odd one out. Nobody wanted to pair up with the 'Irken freak.'

Hecate noticed Zim had been left without a partner again. This always happened in the orphanage's courtyard when he was excluded from games and the mess hall where he was never allowed to sit with the other kids. In the end, he only had her.

"Well, Zim, it looks like I'm going with you again."She offered him her hand and a sympathetic smile.

Zim said nothing as he grabbed her hand. It was always the same, anyway. The rest of the children left him out of activity groups. They made sure to let him know they didn't like him, not only because he belonged to an alien species, but also because of his… quirks.

This 'quirks' started since his seventh birthday. They mostly happened whenever he got angry or frightened, usually against Torque or whoever had messed with him. Zim had no control over it and had no idea of why it happened, it just did. Like that time Sara threw a piece of hot pizza at his head. Zim imagined she was eating cockroaches, and her pizza inexplicably turned into a big group of roaches that swarmed all over her. Zim was the only one who laughed as the bugs attacked everyone but him. This made them realize it must have been his doing somehow.

The orphanage could only afford the cheapest tour, so the only areas they got to visit were the African Savannah and the penguins. As they arrived at the Savannah, the group split up despite Hecate's attempts to keep them together. Zim snuck away and went over to the lions ́s cage, where an old male was resting.

"Stupid big cats…." Zim muttered. "All they do all day is sleep and eat, and sleep, just like filthy hyoomans."

To his surprise, the lion opened its eyes and turned to him, baring its teeth and twitching its tail. It hadn't reacted to the insult, had he?

"Wait, you understood what I just said?" Zim felt a shiver down his spine when the lion bared his teeth again, growling loudly this time. "Okay, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, big cat!"

The lion snorted.

Zim took a look at the plaque on the wall. "So you were raised in captivity, huh? If it makes you feel better, I kind of know the feeling. You could say I live in captivity too, surrounded by brainless hyooman monkeys and a scary old lady who gives me the creeps." Zim added quickly. "Don't tell anyone I said that."

The lion winked. Wow. That didn't just happen, did it?

"Hey, everyone, look at the lion!" Zim was caught entirely off guard when Chunk roughly pushed him out of the way, throwing him to the ground.

"How dare you push Zim, filthy hyooman!" Zim snapped.

"Shut up, freak! Why don't you go bother someone your own size?"

"I was here first!"

"Oh, what are you going to do about it, alien!" Chunk laughed at him. "Whine and cry like the baby you are?"

"Silence!"

"Children, that's enough!" Hecate scolded, looking only at Chunk.

"Why don't you make us all a favor and get eaten by a crocodile, Zim!"

The other children voiced their agreement. "Yeah, one mouth less to feed!"

"SILENCE!" Zim yelled. His eyes were getting humid. Damn it, not now.

"Oh, look, the baby wants to cry! Baby wants his mama!"

"Children, stop it!" Hecate cried out, but her scoldings went on deaf ears.

Zim cursed himself for showing weakness. He tried wiping his eyes, but it was too late as the tears started trickling down his cheeks. He was surrounded by his tormentors. The Irken grabbed his lekku, closed his eyes shut, and tried to block their taunting little song as much as he could.

_Stop it! Stop!_

"Zim is a baby! Zim is a baby!"

"Not even your mama wanted you!"

_SHUT UP!_

Suddenly, the mocking laughter turned into screams of terror that were deafened by a loud roar. Zim opened his eyes.

The lion was not in its cage anymore. It had leaped out of the now barless confinement and curled protectively around him. His paw sent Chunk flying into a pond, prompting the other children and everyone in that are to flee. Hecate was frozen in fear, pressing her back against the wall.

"Zim, be careful with that animal!" she cried out.

Once it was sure they were alone, the lion looked at Zim.

"Thank you, little green man." Zim blinked. It just spoke. The big fucking cat talked.

"Err… you're welcome." He said awkwardly.

That said, the lion sprinted out of the room, disappearing amongst the trees outside.

Hecate rushed to check on her charge when the animal left. "Zim! Zim, are you okay?!"

"Zim is fine, Hecate," Zim snickered when he saw Chunk's agonizing shape. "And fortunately, Chunk-monkey is not."

* * *

The air in the orphanage was agitated that night. Nobody understood what exactly happened, how the lion escaped from its cage, or how it managed to break the bars.

But what everyone was sure of was that Zim was somehow behind it. The animal hadn't hurt him. On the contrary, it was protecting him. It even looked like he was speaking with the lion. Zita saw him talking to the animal, and was responded with small growls and snorts. It must be yet another of his 'perks,' they said. This event further strengthened their fear of the Irken.

After Hecate rounded up the children and took them back to the orphanage, she had no choice but to tell Miss Bitters what had happened. The children tried to pin the blame on Zim, but the old woman didn't care and sent them all to their rooms.

"Zim had nothing to do with the event, Miss Bitters," Hecate said nervously. She hated being with Miss Bitters alone; she had nothing against her, but her presence was… intimidating.

"So, you say the bars just disappeared like magic?" Miss Bitters scowled. "Next, you'll tell me that the kids will sprout wings, fly away, and I'll finally be free of them."

"I wouldn't say it's magic-magic! I mean, we all know it doesn't exist, right?" Hecate stuttered. She didn't really believe her words, she just wanted to get on her boss's good side. If she had any, to begin with. "Surely there's an explanation, but the point is Zim is not responsible for this. The children just want to pin the blame on someone."

"Whatever."

Hecate excused herself and finally left Miss Bitters's office. Once out of earshot, she sighed in deep relief at the newfound distance from the old woman. Sometimes she wondered what had happened to her that turned her into… this.

Hecate made her night rounds around the orphanage's dimly-lit halls. The eerie silence and the dominant shadows made it feel like a haunted house, as there wasn't enough money for better illumination. That or miss Bitters didn't feel like giving the children any glimmer of hope in any way. A few times, she heard some whimpers coming from some rooms.

When she found Zim's door half-open and the room empty, she didn't panic. Whenever Zim was upset or wanted to be alone, he left his room and made his way up to the rooftop. It was supposed to be off-limits to keep children from falling off the roof, but Miss Bitters never bothered to put a lock on it. She was that careless about the children's well being.

Hecate walked up three flights of stairs, down a corridor and then up a metal snail staircase towards a door to walk into the rooftop's terrace, if it could be called that. The distant lights of the city's more urban area could be seen from here, as well as the nearby buildings and streets. The sky only had a few stars accompanying the crescent moon, the latter of which was partially hidden behind some clouds.

As she expected, Zim was sitting on the edge of the rooftop, hugging his knees as he gazed into the distance. Hecate couldn't help but recall the first time she found him here as a smeet, crying over being rejected for adoption. Soon it became a sort of safe haven.

"Zim?" she called as she took some tentative steps forward. "Are you okay?"

Zim didn't bother to look at her. He quickly but subtly wiped his eyes. The Irken didn't want anyone to see him cry, not even Hecate. He learned a long time ago that he should never let people know that they had gotten to him, this made them think he was weak and could be picked on more quickly.

"I'm fine, Hecate-miss." His hoarse-sounding voice betrayed him. Curse his voice!

He didn't look at the Vortian as she came to sit next to him, letting her legs dangling on edge. "Zim, it's okay to cry. Tears purify your soul and allow your wounds to heal."

"Zim's not crying! I just got something in my eye!" Thankfully, Hecate didn't press the issue any further.

They just sat there, watching the distant city lights and the colorful traces of cars moving through the streets. Despite the urban environment, their area of the city was pretty calm. Zim was continually staring at any Irkenettes that passed beneath them, some of them carrying or holding smeets' hands.

"Hecate?"

"What is it?"

"Do you think I'm a freak?"

Hecate stared at Zim in surprise. "Why do you say that?" She inquired.

She noticed he was hugging a worn-down stuffed dragon, dubbed Mr. Scales by its owner. Hecate recognized it. It was the toy that she found in his basket when he was left in the orphanage's doorsteps. Probably a present from his… mother. Zim would often carry it around when he was a smeet, and to this day, he always held it close to him.

"Why else would my mama leave me here? Maybe she just… maybe she realized there was something wrong with me…" Zim cursed himself as he felt tears welling up in his eyes again. He tried to hide his face into his arms again, but instead, he hugged his stuffed dragon tighter.

"Or maybe she couldn't afford to take care of you. Have you thought of that? What if she didn't have enough money, or what if she were ill?"

"That's a lame excuse! Many mothers in those situations still take care of their smeets! The truth is that she didn't want me because I'm a freak!"

"Zim, you are not a freak," Hecate said, a bit more sternly this time. "What happened today wasn't your fault."

"That's what you always say, but they always blame me for everything. And I don't know why, but a part of me knows it is my doing somehow!"

Hecate didn't know what to say to that. She had been a witness to the strange events that sometimes happened when Zim was around, but she refused to believe it was his doing. There was no way he could have made metal bars disappear out of nowhere!

"Zim, you're not to blame for what happened. It's just that people are afraid of what they can't understand and try to fill the gaps with made-up stories or blame people for things that are out of their control."

"But they always put the blame on me. Is it because I'm the only Irken here?" Zim insisted. "I hate hyoomans! They mistreat me only because of that!"

Hecate was sympathetic in that sense. Humans weren't precisely tolerant of aliens. Vortians, Irkens, and many other non-humans often suffer discrimination for being different. She had trouble finding a job herself; the only reason she had this one was that she was the only willing applicant.

"I admit they aren't… nice, but not all humans are like that. There are. Few decent humans out there."

Zim was pensive for a while. "Hecate, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Have you ever interacted with my kind before?"

She knew where this was going. "Yes."

"How are they like? How am I supposed to be like? Am I normal in Irken standards?"

"Well… Irkens are a proud race of warriors. They'd rather be with their own kind than other species. Most of their culture revolves around height. The taller you are, the better you are treated, and the more respected you are." Hecate explained. "You have the common traits of an Irken. You are proud, you don't like being with humans because you consider them inferior, and you show quite an obsession with height."

"I don't!"

Hecate smiled teasingly. "Zim, I've seen you tip-toeing in your room and trying to measure your height with marks on the door."

"You're making it up!" Zim snapped indignantly, but his pink face said otherwise.

Hecate laughed. There was the Zim she knew and liked so much. "Okay, Zim, we should go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day, after all."

Zim groaned. He didn't really want to go to sleep, but his heavy eyes and already irritated mood said otherwise. Besides, he knew he'd need all possible energy for dealing with what happened at the zoo.

"Fine." He said as he begrudgingly got to his feet. As he followed his Vortian caretaker back downstairs, he quickly added. "Just for the record, this conversation never happened, okay? Zim has a reputation to maintain!"

"What conversation? I don't know what you're talking about." Hecate said with a wink.

* * *

**Well, here we have the first chapter! See the Harry Potter reference? Like I said, there will be many. **

**Man, poor Zim. Hopefully, things will get better from here and out.**


	2. The Letter

**Here we are with the second chapter, folks! Things will start getting magical from here on out.**

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 2- The Letter**

* * *

Just as initially assumed, the incident was still the main topic of conversation the next day. According to some sources, the lion made its way out of the zoo and into the city, where it eventually boarded a ship headed to Africa. The authorities who took a look at its cage noted that the bars weren't broken. There weren't even bars at all anymore. It was almost as if they had… disappeared. As if they had never been there at all.

Zim was to stay in his room as punishment for sending Chunks, who had slipped into a sort of coma, to the hospital and causing the orphanage to waste more money than intended. Zim would be grounded until Chunks awakened or until the Irken turned eighteen, whatever happened first. Zim silently cursed Miss Bitters from behind her back after he returned to his bedroom. It's like he told Hecate last night, he _always_ gets the blame for everything. On the bright side, though, the other children left him alone after the lion's attack.

The only willing visitor he got was Hecate every time she brought him his meals. Zim hadn't cared about the isolation at first, claiming he needed no one', but soon the solitude bored the heck out of him, and he made long conversations with his Vortian guardian.

Bless you, Hecate! And bless the curly fries!

The only activities Zim could do in his confinement were napping, looking through the window, hide from the roaches whenever they crawled from under the bed, or stare at the ceiling. On one occasion, he grabbed his plush dragon, Mr. Scales, as he contemplated. This might sound childish, but Zim considered the doll to be his 'best friend' and often talked to him when he felt lonely and Hecate was unavailable. It was probably a 'parting gift' from his mother after she left him, so maybe he unconsciously clung to it as the only thing he had from her.

Half a day passed before someone, probably Hecate, knocked on the door. "Zim?" Yup, it was her, alright.

"What?" Zim asked half-groggily. He was having a sweet dream!

"There is a… lady who wishes to see you." Lady? That's weird; no potential parents ever wanted to see him, mostly because he was an Irken. Hyoomans didn't want to adopt children of a different species.

That aside, this might be his chance to get out of here! With this in mind, Zim quickly slipped into a plain white shirt and gray shorts. Once he was presentable enough, he called out. "You have Zim's permission to come inside, Hecate and whoever you are!"

Hecate opened the door. Zim felt his squeedly-spooch knot. The lady in question was an Irken, just like him, and she was tall. _Really_ tall. About Miss Bitter's height, maybe a bit more. The Irkenette's attire, though, was slightly weird. It consisted of dark cyan robes and a matching curly pointed hat.

"Zim?" The irkenette asked in a gentle voice. Her cyan eyes locked with his curiously.

"Y-Yeah, I am Zim!" He stuttered, his voice shaking uncharacteristically.

Despite not growing amongst his kind and being mostly unaware of the 'height factor,' Zim cowered in the presence of a taller Irken. As Hecate mentioned last night, the 'height factor' is the main force behind Irken mentality: the taller you are, the better you , of course, had no proper education of this, so he didn't show the appropriate respect.

"Are you going to adopt Zim?"

"Zim!" Hecate chided.

The Irkenette blinked in surprise. Any other Irken would have reacted aggressively, but not her. She understood why he didn't act accordingly. He lacked an Irken parent or authority figure to teach him the proper manners. So her response was a kind smile.

"Not necessarily. I want to talk to you about a more… personal matter. But first, let me introduce myself," Lena tipped her hat lightly and wiggled her lekku, a standard greeting or respect gesture amongst Irkens. "I'm Lena Cyanin, Astronomy Professor at Irkharth."

"Irk… harth?" Hecate repeated. "I've never heard of it."

Lena coughed uncomfortably. "It's not a normal school, miss…"

"Hecate."

"Miss Hecate. First of all, there's something Zim has to know." Lena looked down at Zim again. "Zim, what I'm going to tell you might be a bit overwhelming at first, but-"

"Are you Zim's mama?"

"_Zim_!" Hecate yelped in dismay. She looked worriedly up to the newcomer.

Lena looked baffled for a few moments before blinking back into reality. "No, Zim. What I'm going to tell you is that you're a wizard."

Zim raised his lekku. "Gizzard?"

"No, wizard. You know, someone who uses magic."

"Zim is a wizard?" Hecate frowned skeptically. What was this irkenette up to? "Are you serious? You came here just to tell us that?"

Lena was prepared for such a reaction. It's common amongst no-maj borns, who are raised to believe that magic is nothing more than fiction. "I guess you remember the incident from yesterday, right? About the lion's escape." Zim froze in place. Hecate nodded warily. "How did the lion escape?"

Hecate wasn't sure of what to reply. "Nobody's sure. The bars were gone, but it didn't look as if they were broken. It was more like… like…"

"As if they disappeared?" Lena finished.

"...Something like that."

"And what happened before that? Did you get upset or angry in any way?" Lena asked Zim.

He didn't answer. He went back to that moment in the zoo, back to the jeers and mocking from the other children. He felt vulnerable. He wanted them to stop somehow. Then somehow, the thing with the lion happened… Wait, he _had_ spoken with the lion too. Lena seemed surprised when he mentioned it.

"That's odd. Magical language isn't usually amongst the presented symptoms."

"Symptoms?" Hecate repeated.

"You see, when young wizards or witches are upset or feel threatened in any way, their magical power reacts accordingly and causes stuff like that to happen, as a sort of defense mechanism. It can't be controlled and occurs randomly during the first years of life. It disappears with age and the proper magical education."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Zim cried out loudly. "You mean to say that all the weird stuff that's happened… Stuff changing and…" Zim blinked as realization dawned unto him. "So, it _was_ me?"

"Zim, I know this might be overwhelming, but-"

He didn't listen to what she said as he processed the news. Was he a wizard? He more-or-less knew what it was, as Hecate used to read him those sorts of stories back when he was a smeet. He remembered he sometimes wished he could do cool magic like those magical people, but Miss Bitters would always crush his hopes in the cruelest way possible, stating that magic was just an invention of ignorant people who wanted an explanation of why it rained. But this lady here just came and told him otherwise. That he was a magical person. All those flying books, all those roaches attacking the other kids, all the times his cuts healed quickly… It _had_ been him all this time.

Zim didn't realize he had jumped to his feet and started to laugh. He did a sort of victory dance while crying out that he wasn't a freak and how he'd rub it into the hyoomans' faces.

"I'm a weezard! I, the great Zim, am weezard!"

"Err… Zim," Lena said warily. This wasn't exactly the reaction she had been expecting from him in question.

Hecate sighed, though her gaze on Zim was a fond one. "He should get tired in about five minutes."

"Zim, I have not only come to inform you that you're a wizard," Lena stated after Zim finally remembered she was still there. "I have something for you." She took out a sealed envelope from her robes. "It's an acceptance letter."

Zim raised his lekku. "Acceptance? Let me see!" He snatched the envelope and tore it open.

_Irkharth Academy of Magic and Witchcraft_

_Headmaster(s): Almighty Tallest Mages Red and Purple._

_Dear Mr… Zim._

_We are pleased (sort of) to inform you that you have been accepted at Irkharth Academy of Magic and Witchcraft. Term begins on 1 September. You'll find a list of all necessary books and equipment-_

_We should add doughnuts in it!_

_Purple! Grr, look what you made me write! Just show up on time, Zim._

_Yours truthfully (rather, the other way around since we're way taller than you)_

_Almighty Tallest Mages Red and Purple, headmasters of Irkharth._

"Wait a minute, 1 September?" Hecate gasped. "That's in two days!"

Zim didn't exactly hear what she said other than her dismayed claims of not having enough time or any money to buy the stuff, while Lena was trying to calm her down.

"Given his status as a no-maj-born…"

"No-what?" Hecate asked with a puzzled expression.

"No-maj is a term for people who don't have magic. 'Normal' people, if you prefer. A No-maj born is a witch or wizard who was born in a family of normal people due to wizarding ancestry." Lena explained, slightly impatient at being constantly interrupted. "No-maj borns are granted a credit to buy the required materials for first years, which includes a wand, the textbooks, and the basics."

"And where would Zim get all the magical stuff?" Zim asked.

"In the Wizard's market not far from here. I came to take you there so you can get everything you'll need." Lena glanced at Hecate uncertainly. "Usually the parents or tutor are required to accompany the new student, but… Well, given these unique circumstances…"

Zim and Hecate knew what she meant to say. The former quickly said. "Hecate could come! She's the one who looks after Zim, so technically that counts, right?"

"Well… Yes, I guess."

"What about Miss Bitters? We have to let her know."

Lena felt a shiver down her spine and shifted uncomfortably. "I talked to her already. She said she didn't… mind." This was an understatement, of course. That woman made it clear she didn't care. One less mouth to feed, as she put it.

"Let me guess: 'if that means I have one mouth less to feed, you can take him to the North Pole and enslave him for all I care," Hecate said with a sigh.

Wow. She had quoted the hag perfectly. "Yeah, something like that."

Zim was instantly on his feet. "What are we waiting for? Take me to weezard's market!"

* * *

It started as a typical day for the young Irkenette known as Ilk. Wake up at eight a.m., get dressed, make Lard Nar surprise breakfast, and enjoy a quiet morning. He worked so hard that he deserved some pampering now and then. As she was preparing the pancake mixture, she heard the ruffling of wings from the doorway. She found nothing as she turned around, but she heard it again, this time right next to her.

"Don't even think about it, Kor Kan." Ilk chided and pulled the bowl of mixture away from Lard Nar's nightingale familiar. "The last time you dropped your feathers all over it!"

Kor Kan chirped in protest.

"How about this? If you behave, I'll make a pancake just for you." Ilk giggled as the nightingale responded with happy trills and hopped unto her head.

She was giving the toast some finishing touches when she heard the familiar footsteps from the corridor.

"Something here smells good!" Lard Nard chimed, walking into the kitchen. He took a sniff. "I see. Cinnamon pancakes again, right?"

"What can I say? I thought of making scrambled eggs, but I didn't want to offend a certain someone." Ilk motioned to Kor Kan, who chirped in protest and pecked at her lekku.

"Let me lend you a hand." Lard Nar took out a long, dark brown wand and waved it. Plates and utensils flew out of the cupboard and floated towards the table, where they were neatly placed down. Additionally, Lard Nar placed a small bowl for Kor Kan, filling it with some marguerite seeds.

Ilk didn't exactly belong to a 'normal' family. For starters, Lard Nar is not an Irken like her. He's a Vortian, and her adoptive father. She never knew her birth parents because they perished in an accident when she was a smeet. Lard Nar, an old friend of her family, was named her tutor and he's raised her like his own child ever since. Sometimes he'd tell her stories about her parents and of how much they loved her.

Apart from being her tutor, Lard Nar is also a wizard. As you've seen from the demonstration, he's capable of using magic, and he owns a familiar spirit, his bird Kor Kan, who acts as partner, guardian, and spirit guide. His magic can be used for minor chores, such as putting the table and other small tasks, but his main job is that of a potion maker. No-maj people call him apothecary. Ilk herself was a witch as well, but she still had no wand, and her magical power manifested randomly due to her lack of experience.

Once breakfast was ready and they sat to the table, Ilk made sure to give Kor Kan his promised pancake. "Just don't give him too much, or he won't be able to fly." Lard Nar teased, chuckling as the bird pecked at his head in retaliation.

"It's not that big; I made it for his size." Ilk said while munching on her pancake.

"Hey, don't speak with your mouth full, young lady."

Ilk swallowed the food in her mouth. "Hey, Lard Nar, how did you feel when you got your acceptance letter?" Lard Nar pondered over his coffee slurp. He knew why she was asking. She was twelve years old already, and her magical education was due to begin very soon.

"I felt like it was the best thing that could have happened to me! You could say those are the best years of one's life. You not only learn many things, but you also meet lots of people, both good and bad."

"Where did you study magic?"

"Ah, I was enrolled at Battaneux Magical Academy. It's a nice magical institution, more open for different species."

"What about Irkens?"

"Well, Irkens are a bit more… complicated. They don't like mingling in with other species; they got this 'we're better than you' way of thinking. Due to this, they have their own magical academy, Irkharth, exclusive for the Irken race but one of the finest in the universe."

Ilk _had_ heard or Irkharth. Irken witches and wizards spoke wonders of it, and many of history's greatest Irken sorcerers graduated from there. A few of her neighbors had already left for Irkharth or were awaiting their acceptance letters. "Is that were mom and dad went?"

Lard Nar patted her head. "They were amongst the finest students to ever graduate, my dear. I'm sure that you'd be just as good, if not better!"

"They have to send me a letter first, don't they?"

"If you hurry, you can still catch up to the mailman." He was teasing her, but she didn't blame him. These past weeks, she'd been continuously waiting next to the mailbox all morning, hoping to find an envelope addressed to her.

Realizing it was almost eleven, Ilk hurriedly ate her breakfast and ran to the inbox outside just in time to receive the mailman. "Hey, Smikka!"

The mailman that delivered to their street was Smikka Smikka Smoodoo (Smikka, for short), a breed of a fairy with short height, pointy ears, green-yellow skin, and beaded blue eyes. His only clothing consisted of a small hat with a winged envelope insignia, matching black gloves, loincloth, and a big handbag in which he carried all the mail. His tiny fairy wings were flapping rapidly to keep him in the air.

"Oh, hello, Ilk!" Smikka said, greeted amicably. "Let me guess: '_do you have something for me_?'" he quoted.

Ilk rubbed the back of her head, chuckling. "What can I say? I'm excited! I'm twelve years old already, and I haven't got any acceptance letters!"

"You can thank the mail system for that. Letters and correspondence get mixed up and end up somewhere else, and people, of course, blame the mailmen for that." Smikka murmured bitterly, rubbing his rear. Stupid dog.

"How's Summa?"

"These days she's been sick and I've been taking her turns. I hope she gets better soon; I'm getting worried."

"What did the doctor say?"

"He called for some tests, but they aren't ready yet. Anyway, I think I _do_ have something for you." Ilk froze as she watched Smikka's hand searching through his satchel. He took out some envelopes of different colors and sizes. He eventually took a magenta envelope. "Here it is. It's from Irkharth Academy of Magic and Witchcraft."

Ilk snatched the envelope and stared down at it in awe. It had the school's primary colors and the symbol on the corner. "Thanks, Smikka!" She searched in her pocket and gave the fairy a good amount of monies. "For your kids!" She rushed back inside, waving the envelope happily. "Lard Nar, I got a letter!"

The Vortian nearly choked unto his pancake. He had to hit his chest and cough a few times. "Finally! What does it say?"

Ilk tentatively opened the envelope and slid open the letter, but she hesitated to read it. "Um… Would you read it for me? I'm a bit too nervous…"

Lard Nar rolled his eyes with a small grin. "Okay, let me see." Kor Kan brought the piece of parchment to him. It was written in red ink, meaning one of the headmasters had personally written it by hand. Interesting.

_Irkharth Academy of Magic and Witchcraft_

_Headmaster(s): Almighty Tallest Mages Red and Purple._

_Dear Ms. Ilk Nar_

_We are pleased to inform you that you've been accepted at Irkharth Academy of Magic and Witchcraft. You'll find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. _

_Terms begins on September 1. _

_Yours truly,_

_Almighty Tallest Mages Red and Purple, Headmasters of Irkhart._

Lard Nar re-read the date. "September first? Oh, geez!" Damn the mailing system! This meant they only had two days. "Ilk, the good news: you've been officially accepted at Irkharth."

Ilk raised her lekku. This meant… A flurry of emotions overcame her. Irkharth. She had been accepted at Irkharth. She wanted to scream. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to twirl around and do her little victory dance. But she already knew the 'good news, bad news' lecture. "And the bad news?"

"Thanks to our 'wonderful' mailing system, the letter got delayed and it arrived much later than intended, which only gives us two days to go buy your stuff!"

"Two days?! How are we going to get to the Wizard's Market if your broom hasn't been fixed!"

Someone knocked on the door. Kor Kan flew towards the window and flapped his wings, chirping energetically. Lard Nar and Ilk found Smikka at the door, panting heavily, sweating and with a big, long parcel in his arms.

"See what I mean? They call me at the last moment and tell me there's another package for you! They could have told me in the morning and saved me the extra distance!" Finally, his wings couldn't bear the weight anymore and he fell to the ground.

"You okay, Smikka?" Ilk asked worriedly, helping him up.

"I think I need new wings."

Lard Nar took a look at the fairy's wings. They didn't have any cracks or cuts. "You're not dying; they're just swollen from flapping for too long without rest." He frowned and said before Smikka could speak. "I know, we can thank the mailing system for it."

"Exactly!"

"Well, how about you go inside and take some pancakes while we check this out?" Admittedly, Smikka didn't even have time to finish his breakfast, so he was grateful for the offer.

While he went into the kitchen, Ilk tore off the wrapping on the package. She gasped in awe. It was a brand new broomstick. And not just any, it was the latest _Swiftwind _model, one of the finest brooms for school. It was _costly_ and not many could afford it. Who could have sent it?

"Hey, so what's inside the-? By my horns, is that a _Swiftwind_?"

Lard Nar! It must have been him to give her a surprise for her acceptance into the magic school. He must have been saving a lot of money from his earnings to buy it. While business was good, it wasn't enough to afford such an expensive broomstick unless he took lots of extra jobs. "Oh, Lard Nar, thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" she repeated happily, hugging her surrogate father tightly.

Smikka and Kor Kan stared at the scene, amused. Lard Nar didn't know what to say; he only patted Ilk's head, chuckling nervously. "Well, on the bright side, we can get to the Wizard's Market now."

* * *

**Well, well, looks like their adventure has just begun. **

**To those who may not know, Smikka Smikka Smoodo is a screwhead slave that appeared on 'Megadoomer'. He switched the packages meant for Zim and Tenn out of spite for his race being enslaved. In this au, his species is mostly unchanged, except they don't have screws in their heads and they got pointy fairy ears and wings. Him working as a mailman is a reference to the the character working as a delivery service slave in the show. While not necessarily enslaved, his species is _still_ overworked as the mailmen of the magical world, though.**

**See you in the next chap!**


	3. Wizard's Market

**My gosh, I've had the most stressful Valentine's Day ever. See, I run a small shop that sells personalized balloons, and we had a LOT of orders yesterday. I barely got time to correct this chapter, so instead I decided to finish it properly today. And, well, here it is! I surely hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 3- Wizard's Market**

* * *

Zim didn't have much to pack other than some clothing, Mr. Scales, and a few snacks he had saved to eat. Since the Wizard's Market was located in the outer area of the city, they'd have to get a transport to go there. Hecate was perplexed when Lena asked if they could access the rooftop. Despite her doubts, she led the two Irkens to the terrace.

"Why did we come here, miss Lena?" Hecate stepped back when the Irkenette made a blue broomstick appear out of thin air.

"According to the protocol, we can't be seen by no-maj people when we go." Lena explained.

Hecate looked at her as if she had gone insane. "Wait, we're going to jump off the roof on _that_?"

Lena smiled, mounted the broom and stomped on the ground with one foot. "_Tia freyre_!" To both Zim and Hecate's astonishment, Lena rose a few inches from the ground. Zim waved his hand under her, looking for any tricks she might be using, but there was nothing there. She was actually levitating! "It's way quicker than taking the bus."

"There's no way I'm letting Zim get on top of-!" Too late. Zim had already jumped unto the broom and mounted behind Lena, backpack in hand.

"Come on, Hecate! I want to try this thing out!"

The vortian groaned in dismay. There were so many things that could go wrong in riding a cleaning utensil without any seatbelts nor any form of safety measure. She muttered about how she'd regret this as she mounted behind Zim and made sure he wasn't going to fall off.

The first time Zim ever flew in a broomstick was perhaps the happiest experience he ever had in his life. Unlike Hecate, who was clinging to him protectively and yelling in her native tongue while telling him not to be scared, Zim happily spread out his arms and laughed, especially when they passed right through a cloud and a flock of migrating geese. His magenta eyes were scanning his surroundings as he felt the breeze against his face.

"Let's fly higher, Lena-witch!" he cried. He tried to spread out his arms again, but Hecate forced him to grab the handle of the broomstick again.

"I'm afraid there's a height restriction when carrying passengers," Lena said. "Besides, we're almost there."

It was a warm, clear day, so it was a tranquil trip and there isn't much to say about it. When they stopped over a seemingly normal village, Lena waved a long, white wand and shouted '_Revelatte_'. A white spark shot out from the tip of her wand and into an invisible barrier of sorts. The barrier rippled and opened a small hole, allowing Lena to fly her broomstick right through it.

To Zim's awe, the village turned into a bustling town boiling with life. As they descended to the main square and landed in a spot for broomsticks, Zim noticed that most of the people wore robes and pointy hats of different shapes and colors, similar to Lena's. Additionally, there were not only Irkens, but also hyoomans, Vortians, Gelaxis, and many other species.

As soon as they landed, Hecate jumped off the broomstick and started kissing and hugging the ground. Lena withdrew her broom and made it disappear again. "Welcome to the Wizard's market."

"Couldn't we have taken a bus or something?!" Hecate snapped.

"There's no bus station here. It's to keep no-maj people away."

"Where can I get a broom? I want my own broomstick to fly!" Zim cried out, waving his arms to draw their attention.

"I'm afraid your credit doesn't include a broomstick, but the school will provide you with one." Lena explained. "The credit includes first course books, the school uniform, some basic tools, and a wand.

"Broomstick!" Zim repeated. Did he not hear what she just said?

Hecate sighed. "Okay, what do you recommend buying first?"

Lena pointed at one of the shops. "There. A wand is a wizard's primary tool, so it's the first thing you'll want to buy."

She hadn't even finished when Zim sped out towards the establishment. Hecate followed suit before Zim could get lost amongst the crowd, as it had happened once when he was a smeet. Zim barely avoided collision with a young irkenette and a male Vortian as they left the shop, earning an annoyed yell from the latter.

The inside of the shop consisted mostly of shelves displaying long, rectangular cases. As soon as they stepped in, the door's bell rang, prompting the shopkeeper, a thin alien with four arms and dark green skin, to come to greet them. "Welcome to _Wandporium_, where you can buy a wand for the price of bubblegum!" He held out two of his arms, though only Hecate shook them. "I'm Spleenk, nice to meet you!"

"Wandporium?" Zim repeated.

"That's right!"

"It's a stupid name."

"Zim!" Hecate scolded.

Spleenk sighed in dismay. "That's okay, I'm not really good at coming up with names. It kind of runs in the family." His mood lit up as he seemed to recognize Lena. "Miss Lena! It's been a while!"

Lena nodded, smiling."Indeed, Spleenk. I still remember when I first came to buy my wand. I think I set your curtains on fire." Zim shifted in place at the idea of setting Miss Bitters's robes on fire too.

"So what can I do for you?" Spleenk inquired.

"You see, Zim here," Lena gestured to the young Irken. "Was accepted into Irkharth and he needs a wand."

"Good, then you've come to the perfect place! Follow me!"

They were led to a white room with lots of stuff such as vases and books inside. Zim was asked to step inside. Spleenk closed the door and opened a small, transparent window next to it.

"Okay, Zim, I'll be giving you different wands to test. All you have to do is wave it once. If something inside breaks, it's not the right one."

"Why in there?" Hecate asked.

"I used to do it outside, but since I always had to clean up the mess caused by incidents like the curtain one," Lena averted her gaze, blushing deeply. "Now I do it in there."

Zim tapped on the glass. "Why can't I just pick a want and be done with it?"

"It doesn't work like that, Zim. It's the wand that chooses the wizard, for one reason or another." Spleenk held out the first wand through a hole in the glass. "This one's made of cherry wood and unicorn hair. Wave it." Zim did as told. One of the teapots on the table exploded, scattering its porcelain pieces around the place. "Nop, that's not it."

Zim spent the next hour and a half repeating the same process over and over again. Take wand, wave it, something breaks, switch wand, try again. If what Spleenk said was true and the wands are the ones who pick their owners, technically this counted as being 'rejected', getting Zim in a bitterly disappointed mood. He was used to rejection, but this was ridiculous. Some of those wands were really cool-looking too, adding more to Zim's disappointment. A few times, other new students, some Irkens and some of other species, entered the room and found their wands after a few tries.

Even Spleenk looked astounded. "Oh, my. This is the first time someone's been rejected by every single wand in the shop." he said after the latest attempt.

"LIES!" Zim snapped, unable to wrap his finger around the idea.

"What do you do in those cases?" Hecate asked.

Spleenk rubbed his chin, thoughtful. "Well, there _is_ one more, but…" he yelped when Zim somehow pulled him down by the collar of his scarf through the glass's hole.

"There's another? Bring it to Zim!"

"But there's something-"

"Bring it!"

With no other choice, Spleenk walked down the corridor and returned after a few minutes with a dark, twisted wand. "Ebony wood, phoenix feather core, nine inches, slightly rigid."

Zim snatched the wand and waved it. Nothing happened, other than a strange warm feeling in his whole body. The few, remaining items that hadn't already been broken didn't move an inch nor shatter. No broken pots or rain clouds inside the room? This could only mean one thing.

"Finally!" Zim yelled happily, lifting the wand into the air and waving it. He grinned ear-to-ear when nothing happened again. "Zim's very own wand! Now I can set people on fire with it!"

The three adults watched as he ran around the room, waving his new wand in excitement. Spleenk asked. "Should I tell him?"

Lena shook her head, smiling fondly at the sight. "No. We have no right to ruin it for him. Let him enjoy it."

* * *

Ilk stared down at her brand new wand. It was ten inches long, made of applewood with unicorn hair core. It had a nice, curved pattern. "Can't wait to try it out!"

"You could right now, but I'd recommend you wait until you have a bit more experience. You do know the basic spells I taught you, don't you?"

"Yeah, most of them."

"Good! Nothing better than to start with some basic knowledge. Just don't abuse it; I hear they are pretty strict at Irkhart."

"You mean it because of the incident with the broom?"

Lard Nar blushed. "Hey, those geese were evil, I tell you!" He said, embarrassed. On the way to Wizard's Market they had an unpleasant run in with a flock of migrating geese and the birds didn't take it kindly.

Their next stop was _Vort Reads_, a large bookstore located inside a neatly-painted blue shop. As the name implied, it was run by a Vortian named Nal Kon and her two children. The store sold not only the schoolbooks only for Irkharth, but many other tomes including storybooks, manuals for magical stuff, autobiographies, the popular _Night Falls_ series, and many types of books.

"Hey, Lard Nar!" Nal Kon waved her hand from the counter. "About time you showed up with little Ilk! I was wondering when they'd accept her into Irkharth!"

"Yeah, you can blame the mailing system for that." Lard Nar said.

"The books for Irkharth are on that shelf over there. You should hurry before we run out of stock again."

Ilk began the more-or-less tedious search for the required books in the list. Most of them were basic ones, such as _Standard Spellbook Vol.1_, but there were others meant for a specific assignature, such as _Beginner's Guide for Transfiguration_. She was particularly interested in the charms and potions tomes. She always had a knack for both. In fact, sometimes she helped Lard Nar brew his potions.

"Look, Hecate! A dragon book!" she heard someone shout a few shelves away.

"That's _Dragonology for Beginners_, Zim. It's an optional book if you want to take the dragonology elective." Doesn't Irkharth have dragonology included amongst the elective classes? Must be another new student.

Someone gasped. "D-Dragons? As in, the big, scary lizards that breathe fire?" Must be a muggle parent with her muggle-born child. She couldn't blame her for having that reaction. Dragons were pretty dangerous if you didn't know how to handle them, or so she'd heard.

"Don't worry, miss Hecate, there aren't any dragons at school. They are kept in wildlife reserves away from settlements."

"I want it!" the child, named Zim, cried out.

"I'm afraid the credit only applies for the mandatory books, Zim."

Ilk felt bad for the kid. She knew the feeling of wanting something and being unable to afford it. Lard Nar only earned enough to get by, they seldom had money for luxuries such as a new broomstick or a talking doll. In fact, she was surprised Lard Nar _somehow_ managed to buy her new broomstick. She wasn't sure why, but she ended up grabbing a copy of _Dragonology for Beginners_ and slid it into the basket. Who knows? It might come in handy.

A shout of pain and panicked bird chirping led her to the next corridor, where Lard Nar had been half-buried in a fallen pile of books while his familiar was flying all around him, chirping frantically.

"Lard Nar, are you okay?!" Ilk cried, leaving her book basket behind to go help.

Lard Nar moaned in pain as he was helped to his feet by one of Nal Kon's sons. "I think an idiot grabbed a book from the lower part of the pile… Ouch!" he rubbed his back.

"You okay, mister Nar?"

"Don't worry, I've had it worse. I was at the Vortian rebellion fifty years ago, lad, so I can handle a bunch of old books!"

When Ilk went to retrieve her basket, it was gone. She looked around for a few minutes, but then she realized another student must have found it and claimed it for himself. Lard Nar once mentioned that Irkens were opportunistic, after all. Instead of getting angry over it, Ilk merely sighed and went to look for the same books, this time aided by Lard Nar to make sure no one else would steal her books.

"Should I expect something like this at school?" She couldn't help but ask.

Lard Nar patted her shoulder sympathetically. "It really depends on the individuals, but don't worry! Surely you will find a decent Irken or two to call friends."

* * *

Zim spent most of the shopping trip fawning over his new wand. He'd wave it every now and then, inadvertently causing minor accidents, most notably at the bookstore, where he sent a pile of books flying right unto a male Vortian with green goggles, prompting the young Irkenette next to him to aid him, abandoning her book stash. Zim noted those were the schoolbooks he was supposed to buy, so he claimed them and saved himself half an hour of searching throughout the bookshelves and stands.

As they passed by a broomstick store, Zim stopped in his tracks and stared at a small model painted in black with a silver tail. He read the label: _Shooting Star_. The excitement over his first flight was still fresh in his mind. He imagined himself flying on top of that broomstick, touching the clouds, racing Irken zhook cruisers-

"Zim!"

After being brought out of his imagination, Zim frowned at the taller Irkenette. " How dare you ruin Zim's daydreaming?!"

Lena sighed. "You got everything from the list, so it's time I show you how to get to school." She waved her wand, summoning a map. It depicted a small town. "You must get to the ley-line station to get to Irkharth," she pointed at a tree in the map. "From there, you can use a Floo Network teleporter for students who don't have their own broomsticks. You just have to step in, shout 'Irkharth' and throw the magic powder. You will be transported to the entrance. Did you understand?"

Zim had actually returned to his daydreaming with the _Shooting Star_ and didn't pay attention. "Huh? Oh, yeah! Zim understood, Lena-witch!"

Lena nodded. "Okay, then. I'll leave you at the carriage bound for this town and then I'll take miss Hecate back home. Are you sure you can remember all of that?"

"I am Zim, of course I can remember some instructions!" Lena wasn't sure he could, but if he said he could handle it, she had no reason to doubt him. Hecate, on the other hand...

"Can't I go with Zim? He could get lost, or…!"

"It's complicated. I must return to Irkharth myself to help prepare for the opening ceremony, and it's a long way from your part of the city. I wouldn't be able to take you back." She omitted the part where Irkharth was an Irken-exclusive location out of politeness.

"Chill out, Hecate! I can handle anything!"

The Vortian looked at her charge with concern on her face. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you, Zim?"

Zim grinned. "Really, I'll be fine! Besides, I wouldn't like Miss Bitters to eat you."

Hecate was torn. On one hand she didn't bring money to travel back to the city, but on the other she was afraid for Zim. He wasn't aware of it, but he had a severe case of attention couldn't grasp information for too long and his… tendencies usually got him into trouble when she wasn't around. It would be the first time she'd be away from him for so long.

Eventually, she sighed with a nod of her head. "Can I see him off, at least?" She inquired, looking up at Lena.

"Sure. The carriage port is over there."

Lena led them to a smaller station on the edge of town. There were lots of carts and carriages stationed there, all pulled by winged Irkorses. People climbed into and descended from the vehicles hurriedly as they departed.

"See that one?" Lena pointed at a particular carriage pulled by two lime green irkorses. "You have to jump in as soon as it lands and the door opens. You'll get off at the second stop, in the town of Oakville. The ley-line terminal is there."

Once more, Zim didn't pay attention to what she said, but he didn't mind. He lifted all his bags and his suitcase, giving his caretaker a small, but confident grin. "Okay, then! I guess this is where we say goodbye, Hecate."

The Vortian was close to tears herself. "Take care, Zim." She wiped one lone tear running down her cheek. "Don't forget to brush your teeth, okay?"

Lena raised her lekku. The carriage was getting closer. "Here it comes, Zim! Remember: Okayville, ley-line terminal, Irkharth!"

"I'll remember it, Lena-witch!"

That said, Zim barely managed to jump into the carriage, luggage in hand, as the door closed. He waved at Hecate through the window. "Just you watch, Hecate! Zim will become the greatest wizard ever!"

* * *

**Uh-oh, looks like Zim's on his own. Wonder if he'll be able to make it to school in time.**

**To answer to ZimsMostLoyalServant: in a way, you could say Ilk and Zim _are_ sharing the Harry Potter role (minus the abusive uncles and insufferably spoiled cousin). Neither knew their parents, but the difference is that Ilk was already aware of the wizarding world because Lard Nar is a wizard himself.**

**See you next time!**


	4. New Friends

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 4- New Friends**

* * *

Unfortunately, Hecate was right to worry about Zim. Half an hour after boarding the carriage, he casually found a copy of _Dragonology for Beginners_ amongst his schoolbooks. He happily read through its contents, holding under his arm as he did so. The distraction caused him to miss the carriage's second stop and instead hopped down at the third another half an hour later.

Zim stepped out of the station, spreading out his arms triumphantly.

"Here I am! On my way to becoming a wizard! The almighty wizard Zim has a good ring to it, doesn't it?" He didn't notice the town's name written on the sign read Codtown instead of Oakville. "Okay, what did the Lena-witch say to do next?"

He wandered through town for a while as he tried to recall Lena's instructions. She mentioned something about a terminal… A bus terminal? Yeah, that must be it. Where to find it, though? The town was big, and he had no time to waste. Perhaps that Planet-Jacker over there knew something.

"Hey, big guy, do you know where Zim can find the bus terminal?"

The Planet-Jacker blinked. "There's no bus terminal here, little Irken."

"You're lying!"

This went for a few hours. Zim asked random people around for the location of the bus terminal, but everyone gave him the same answer, that there wasn't one, much to Zim's chagrin. Eventually, he got tired and did what anyone would do in his situation: sit down on the sidewalk, pout, and wait until something happens. Even that bored him out not long after, and he took out his wand.

"What should I do now, wand?" He asked. No reply. Why was he talking to a stick, anyway?

He noted the passersby stared at him as if he had lost his mind, but Zim didn't mind it. He was used to it thanks to the weird looks he always got from the other kids in the orphanage. He was going to show them not to mess with Zim!

"You shouldn't take it out in public, you know." Zim raised his lekku and looked up at the newcomer: a fat, short Irken wearing a silly sailor outfit. Remembering Lena-witch's words about no-maj people, Zim quickly hid the wand from view.

"I don't know what you're talking about, crazy-fella!"

The Irken smiled lightly. "It's alright, I'm a wizard too," he peeked his wand out of his pocket for a few seconds.

Zim perked up his lekku again. This guy must know how to find the terminal! The fat Irken looked confused when he asked him, though.

"Uhh… The ley-line terminal is not in this town; it's in Oakville."

"And what town is this?"

"Codtown."

"Curse you, carriage! Curse youuu!" Zim yelled at the heavens out of nowhere, waving his fist and startling his companion. He didn't take into account that it was his fault he got down in the wrong town. Once he finished cursing the carriage, he remembered he had company. "Wait, you're attending Irkharth too?"

The fat Irken nodded. "Yeah, it's my first year too."

"Then why are you here?"

"Well…" The Irken blushed, letting out a sheepish chuckle. "I fell asleep on the carriage." Man, what a dork.

"Okay, so we're stuck here unless we think of something to get to Oakville ASAP!"

Zim looked around. Perhaps they could borrow a cart or a ship, but there weren't any on sight. Besides, it was getting dark, and Zim didn't want to stay out at night. It's not that he's afraid of the candy zombies Miss Bitters often talked about, no sir! Zim wanted to get to school and get his flying broomstick.

"Hey, whatever-your-name-is!"

"I'm Skoodge Kritten," his companion said, introducing himself.

"Skoodge Kritten, aren't there any carriages with flying irkorses to get us back there?"

"The last one left twenty minutes ago."

"Why didn't you say so before?!"

"I…" Skoodge blinked. "I don't know." Zim twitched his left eye. A big dork.

Okay, time to improvise… An old hyooman vehicle (Hecate once called it a van) parked up a few meters away, and its driver went into the nearby bar. Zim pointed at it. "There! I shall take that hyooman land vehicle!"

"That thing? It's a no-maj car, and it's not ours! As far as I know, it's considered theft, and we could go to no-maj jail…" Skoodge didn't realize Zim was gone until he spotted him trying to get his stuff into the car's cockpit. Skoodge panicked and grabbed his suitcase. "Wait, don't leave me here!"

Zim didn't mind giving his companion a lift. He was too short to reach the pedals with his legs, so he needed a hand to reach them anyway.

"Skoodge, see those things at the bottom? They are to move the car around. The right one is to go forward while the left one makes the car stop. When I tell you, push the pedal I tell you, okay?"

"What was the left one again?"

Zim ignored the question and started the van. "On we go!"

**-DMoSD-**

"I told you to push the brake! Brake!"

"I did!"

"The right one is for acceleration!"

"You didn't specify!"

The good news: they were only two miles away from Oakville. The bad news: they crashed their borrowed transport in the middle of the woods thanks to Skoodge's silly blunder, so they had to make the rest of the way on foot. It took them all night, but eventually, they made it.

When they finally arrived at Oakville, they were exhausted and sore, but Zim still took a look at the town. It wasn't that different from the previous one; the only difference was the big hill with a large tree on the outskirts.

"What a weird bus station.." Zim muttered as they made their way up the hill.

"It's a ley-line station." Skoodge corrected for the hundredth time.

There were three other Irkens on top of the hill, right at the arch leading into the tree's hollow interior. They wore short, dark blue robes with matching pointed hats, and each held a broom in their grasp.

"Hey, maybe those three can tell us something!" Zim cried out.

Skoodge found something familiar about their clothing. "That's the Irkharth uniform!"

Zim snickered. "Good timing! Zim's going to introduce himself!"

Skoodge slowed down his pace. From this close, he noted those three were taller. "I don't think we should…" Too late. The three tallers had already taken notice of them.

Zim waved an arm. "Greetings, fellow wizards! I am Zim!"

The tallest one frowned. "I guess you must be a newbie, considering you don't have your uniform on yet."

"Indeed! Skoodge and I have come to attend Irkharth, but we got sidetracked. Now, do you know when the bus is coming?"

"What bus?"

"You know, to get to school." To Zim's confusion, the three Irkens exchanged looks and burst out laughing. "What's so funny?"

Skoodge facepalmed.

"Are you that dumb?"

"Bus! Haha!"

"It's a broom stop, moron!"

That said, the three Irkens mounted their brooms, shouted the same words Lena had used back on the rooftop, and just like her, they got off the ground.

"Ley-line terminals connect directly to Irkharth and other places through magic energies interconnecting since ancient times," Skoodge explained. "When you ride on the energy, you can fly to said magical spots. It's the magic highway."

"It's basic wizardry knowledge, newbie!" The taller Irken snickered. "If you don't know that, then maybe you should go back to whatever little town you came from and forget about being a wizard!" The three Irkens exploded into another laughing fit as they flew through the tree's bark.

Zim just stood there, silent for a few minutes. After a while, he snapped out of it. "Hey, there were making fun of Zim!"

"We have a bigger problem than that, Zim," Skoodge pointed at some circular stones right next to the tree. There was a sign written in Irken that read _out of service_ on top of them. "We can't use the teleporters."

"Can't we just get a broom?" Zim asked.

"We can't use a broom that doesn't have a magical core; it won't fly."

"That's dumb!"

"It's to make sure no-maj people won't get a hold of any."

Zim thought for a moment. "Wait a minute. If this is the way to Irkharth, other students are bound to pass through here, right?"

"I guess so…"

"So, all we have to do is wait for someone to come and ask them for a lift!"

Skoodge wasn't sure of it. Taller Irkens didn't like associating with shorties. It was a cultural thing for Irkenkind. The taller you are, the better the treatment. Then again, it's not like they had any choice.

They sat at the side of the road for some time until they saw another Irken walking up the road. He was even shorter than Zim if that was even possible, and his eyes were a shade of pink. He was carrying even more luggage and bags than Zim and Skoodge combined. Once he arrived at the top, he put his things down to recover his breath, wiping some sweat off his brow.

"Is this the ley-line terminal?" he asked bluntly.

"Yeah, but the teleporters are out," Skoodge said.

"Damn it!"

"Hello, fellow Irken! I am Zim, and I require a lift to Irkharth!"

The little Irken frowned. "Does it look like I have a broomstick on me?" He asked, raising his empty hands.

Skoodge pointed at yet another Irken wearing the Irken uniform coming up the hill. "Hey, someone else is coming!"

This one had curly lekku and thick black eyelashes, meaning she was an Irkenette. Her eyes were red like shiny rubies. Thank Irk, she was carrying a broomstick!

* * *

After their shopping trip, Lard Nar dropped her off at the carriage stop. She nearly missed the carriage headed for Oakville because Lar Nar wouldn't stop crying the whole time and didn't want to let go of her. Eventually, he did, and she boarded the carriage headed for Oakville.

Once there, she spent the night at an inn. She couldn't sleep, though. She was nervous. It was the first time she'd live amongst her kind, and away from Lard Nar. She had heard lots of bad things about Irkens, mostly about their height hierarchy and their xenophobic tendencies towards other species. That's the reason why Irkharth is an Irken-only institution. In all its story, there had never been any non-Irken students or staff in that school. Lard Nar said she had nothing to worry about because she was tall. It bothered her that her own people cared more about height than one's ability. She wondered if she'd have the same mindset hadn't her birth parents died.

Time flew as she was lost in her thoughts.

The next morning, she slipped into her uniform and put all of her things into her suitcase. Lard Nar had used an expansion spell on it so she could fit all her things inside instead of carrying it all on her back. Then she grabbed her broomstick and headed out the door towards the ley-line terminal.

As she arrived at the tree, she noted there were three shorter Irkens seated to the side of the road. One of them approached her.

"Hey, girl-Irken, do you have a broomstick?" Ilk blinked. Her broom was in plain sight, held on her shoulder. Did he not see it, or was he joking?

The shortest Irken rolled his eyes. "What do you think she has in her hand? A lollipop?"

"Girl-Irken, I am Zim, and I require transportation to Irkharth!"

Zim? Where had she heard that name…? Wait, the bookstore. This must be the kid who didn't get the dragonology book. Speaking of coincidences!

"The teleporters aren't working." The fat Irken clarified.

"We wouldn't be asking for a lift if they were," The shortest one murmured.

"What was your name again?

"Bob."

Ilk glanced at the three shorter Irkens, calculating their weights combined. "I guess we could work it out."

"Hey, hey, hey! You think her broom will support the four us with luggage and all?" Bob cried out, pointing at all their luggage and purchased materials, which had been temporarily cast aside.

"You don't have to worry about your luggage," Ilk put down her suitcase. "You can put it in here."

Zim stared down at the small suitcase. "How is my stuff going to fit in that tiny thing?" Ilk couldn't help it; she giggled at the clueless expression on his face.

Zim frowned at her, still sore about the taller Irkens making fun of his ignorance. "How dare you laugh at Zim!"

Ilk managed to calm down. Breath in, out. In, out. "I didn't mean to offend you, Zim, but you have amusing faces." She opened her suitcase, which was seemingly empty. "Don't worry. This suitcase has an expansion spell. You could put three full butterbeer barrels in here, and you wouldn't even notice."

Zim was skeptical. Was this irkenette insane? Bob and Skoodge were got their stuff. To his awe, they somehow fit their things into the suitcase. Excited, Zim pushed his luggage into it. Ilk closed her bag, took out her wand, and pointed it at her broomstick.

"_Engorgio_!" The broomstick grew bigger until it was long enough to carry the four of them. "Well, hop on, the opening ceremony should be starting soon!"

Once they were all on board, Ilk led the broomstick towards the tree and waved her want again, this time shouting '_revelo_.' A wide circular entrance big enough to fly through opened up: they entered the tree's hollow interior. Right above them, there was a portal swirling in green and white tendrils of energy.

"That thing's taking us to school?" Zim asked.

"Yeah, the flight takes a few minutes, at best."

"Why?"

"There are lots of ley lines spread out across the world. We need to take the right ones, or we might end up elsewhere." Ilk explained.

"How come you don't know about the ley lines?" Bob narrowed his eyes at Zim suspiciously. "What wizarding family do you come from?" Zim didn't reply. He was mesmerized by the lights around them, swirling around and forming strange shapes. "Hello? Hey, I'm talking to you!"

Zim's lekku twitched. "Huh? Did you say something?"

Ilk had a good idea as to why he wasn't aware of basic wizard knowledge. "You are a no-mag-born, aren't you?"

"Don't call Zim names, girl-Irken!" Bob and Skoodge exchanged glances. Definitely a no-maj-born.

"My name's Ilk Nar, so that you know." Ilk said dryly, introducing herself. "So, I'd thank you if you called me by my name."

Zim didn't hear her. His attention was focused on a vague image in the nearest tunnel. "Hey, is that the hyooman city with the tall metal tower?"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Hey, we just came from there! Hi, fellow who owns the truck we borrowed!"

"I'm starting to think this guy's whacko." Bob murmured, to which Zim retorted with a yell, making Skoodge yelp in surprise.

Ilk blinked. These guys had severe issues. Were all Irkens like this?

"Okay…" She tried to think of something to break the tension. "So it's your first year too?" Her three companions nodded. "I'm excited!"

"You seem to know some spells already," Skoodge pointed out.

"Yeah, Lard Nar taught me some basic ones just in case. I'm glad he did, or we wouldn't be here."

"Is he your dad?"

"You could say so."

Bob muttered bitterly under his breath. "Lucky you. My dad forgot it's also my first year, and I had to come to the teleporters on foot."

Zim got in a slightly sour mood as they started to chat about their families. He hated when people talked about any topic related to parents or family. It reminded him of what Zim didn't have. To distract himself, he started fidgeting with his wand. Bob asked him if he was okay and mentioned something about a pet rabbit.

"Zim is fine, Bobby! I was merely admiring my wand!" Zim half-lied, holding it up so they could see it. He grinned as they kept staring at it. "Cool, isn't it?"

Ilk chuckled awkwardly. "It's pretty."

"I can't wait to do cool spells! I'm going to blow the other kids up, and they'll regret to have ever made fun of Zim! I can blow people up, can I?" Zim asked quickly.

"Theoretically you can, but-"

Zim laughed. "Yes! I'm going to show them all! Zim is going to be the best wizard ever-!"

He was so excited and so drawn into his rambling that he didn't notice his wand charging up until it sent a massive wave of explosive energy. Ilk lost control over her broomstick and sent them right into the energy wall. Zim unknowingly clung to Ilk's waist, but it's hard to tell who you're grabbing when your eyes are closed shut. He soon became dizzy as his companions' panicked screams sent high-frequency vibrations to his lekku.

Zim's screaming turned into a painful yelp when his back came into contact with the ground. Ow, that hurt! It's a good thing there was a pillow under him. He heard whispers and confused words all around him, prompting him to open his eyes. The first thing he noticed was that they were no longer in the tunnel; they had landed in a large room with mauve walls and wide windows on the sides. Tapestries with intricate patterns hung from the walls too-

"What on Irk?!"

Zim's lekku moved to the source of the voice. On top of the small step of stairs, there were several taller Irkens, all adults, Lena-witch amongst them. There were two, however, that seemed to be the ones in charge. They looked exactly alike, almost like twin brothers, except one had red eyes and was clad in crimson robes. In contrast, the other's clothing and eyes were purple.

Zim heard a painful growl under him. Ah, so Skoodge was the one who cushioned his fall!

"Who's on top of me?"

"Get off!" Bob cried out, his voice partly muffled by Skoodge's body mass.

Zim ignored them and looked around. There were lots of Irkens spread out in the rest of the room, all wearing the Irkharth uniform and staring at him and his little group in confusion. Zim recognized the three Irkens from before in the front rows.

Wait a minute. Irkens, Irkharth uniforms, tall guys wearing pointy hats and robes… This could only mean one thing.

Laughing, Zim raised his arms and cried at the top of his lungs.

"Victory for Zim!"

* * *

**Looks like Zim has already meet his faithful companions! The reason I picked Bob the Table Service Drone is because, as a shortie, he'd be the most fitting third member, given he, Zim and Skoodge have that in common. **


	5. GIR

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 5- GIR**

* * *

Zim was so happy and busy looking around the place, fawning over being amongst his kind for the first time and all the cool stuff he could learn that he didn't pay attention to the opening speech nor the odd looks he was receiving. These looks continued even after the opening ceremony was over, and the new students were led to their rooms. Male and female dormitories were located in different areas of the school, not too far from one another, but separated by a long, wide corridor.

Ilk-smeet returned his and the others' luggage before following professor Lena-witch alongside the other 'newbies,' as the older alumni called them. Zim and the newly-arrived males were, in turn, led by the tall Irken clad in purple robes, who turned out to be one of the headmasters of Irkharth. Curiously, his name was Purple. _How unoriginal_, Zim thought but was wise enough to keep it for himself.

"Okay, you three, since you are the… shortest, you'll stay here." Purple said in-between munching a donut. He led the three remaining students down the mauve corridor lined up with doors, stopping in front of the fifth one. "It's your responsibility to keep it clean, bla, bla, bla, and you are to come back at nine p.m. sharp. If you're caught outside your dormitory after that hour, you're going straight to detention. Any questions?" Skoodge raised his hand, but the Headmaster either didn't notice or didn't care. "No? Okay, then, settle in and pick your beds. Don't forget the Familiar Summoning starts in half an hour in the transfiguration classroom." That said, he left.

Their dormitory was spacious and painted in mauve colors. It had a window on the far end, a desk, and three beds, one right next to the window while the other two consisted of a bunk bed. All had a single white pillow and red sheets.

Zim didn't waste any time and bolted upright towards the bunk one. "Zim claims the upper bed!"

"No way, I want it!" Before Bob could do something, Zim had already climbed onto the upper bed. "Hey, that's not fair!"

"I, at this moment, claim this bed as Zim's!" Zim plopped onto the mattress with a big grin. Ahh, it felt so much better than the orphanage's old mattresses!

Skoodge claimed the bed next to the window, placing his luggage next to it. "I hate to interrupt your argument, but we must still find the transfiguration classroom."

"The purple tallest said something about familiar! What do families have to do with school?"

"_Familiar_," Bob corrected with a frown. "Companion spirits born from a wizard's magical aura. All wizards and witches get one when they start school."Zim had to admit it sounded interesting.

"And how do these 'familiars' look like?"

Skoodge shrugged. "It depends on the person's personality. Most get black cats, but it can be a bird, a reptile, even a fairy of some sort."

Zim raised his lekku. "Fairy? They exist?"

"All 'fantastic' creatures do, for the record. No-maj people _think_ they don't."

"So 'familiars' can be a magical creature?"

"It's rare, but sometimes, yes."

"Zim wants a dragon familiar!"

Bob snickered. "I doubt there's ever been a dragon familiar ever before-"

"Dragon!"

"I had my doubts, but you're partly deaf, aren't you?"

"DRAGON!"

"Come on, guys, we're wasting time! Let's go!" Before either could protest, Skoodge was hurriedly pushing them towards the door.

They went back the way they had come with Headmaster Purple, returning to the main corridor and following the rest of the new students. Classes wouldn't officially start until the next day, so they weren't obligated to use the uniform yet. This made it easier to tell first-years apart. Amongst the new ones, they spotted Ilk, who was chatting with the other two irkenettes, probably her roommates.

Zim paid her no heed for now. All his thoughts were centered on what his familiar would be, imagining how it would look like. Surely it'd be a cool animal! Maybe an eagle, a lion, or even a dragon! Zim was hoping it would be a dragon. As a smeet, he had managed to see the _How to Train your Dragon_ movies. He was always saying he wanted a 'Night Furee' ever since, something the other children always ridiculed him for. 'Dragons don't exist, weirdo,' they'd say.

The large group headed towards the west corridors of the Irkharth castle, and from there went up two flights of stairs to the western towers. The transfiguration classroom was a few doors ahead. It consisted of a vast room with a blackboard on the wall and many long desks and seats. In the ample space between the professor's desk and the first row of seats, a circle had been chalked up alongside smaller symbols drawn within.

Zim saw one of the taller Irkens from before next to the circle. His robes were colored a bright mauve, and his pointed hat had a curly end. "Welcome to the transfiguration classroom, children. I'm professor Leek, and I'll be in charge of helping you summon your familiars. First of all, do you know what a familiar is?" Someone raised a hand. Zim realized it was Ilk. "Yes?"

"A familiar is a companion spirit that serves as an attendant to a wizard, providing functions such as protection and guidance, teaching magical and healing arts, or in the case of dark witches and wizards, to do their bidding and to engage in sinister deeds." Ilk explained.

"Excellent! I see you were properly informed beforehand." Ilk blushed, rubbing the back of her head. Professor Leek continued. "Indeed, a familiar provides services to the wizard or witch it serves. The type of services depends on the person's alignment and personality, but the average consists of guidance, protection, and companionship. Whenever a witch or wizard is born, a spirit stands beside them. However, they are invisible and non-corporeal until properly summoned. Some families do so at birth, but most obtain theirs when their magical education begins. That is the reason you are gathered here today."

Professor Leek waved his wand, igniting the candles carefully accommodated on the chalk lines. "One by one, you'll each come into the center of the circle. You'll pinch your finger and let a drop of blood fall on the smaller circle; then, you only have to wave your wand and say _familiaris streeda_. This spell will bring forth your familiar spirit and grant it a corporeal form. Any questions?"

A female student raised her hand. "What form do familiars take?"

"That depends on your personality. There's no known way to accurately predict what kind of animal it will be."

"Do you have a familiar?" Asked a shorter male student.

Professor Leek laughed. "I do, but it's not here. Familiars don't necessarily follow their masters around because they are independent entities and may have different personalities to that of their masters'."

Zim waved his hand enthusiastically. "Can I get a dragon?" He received odd looks from the rest of the students, including Ilk. Bob and Skoodge hid their faces in their hands, embarrassed. Even Professor Leek was taken aback.

"Um… Well, there _is_ a minuscule possibility, but it's rare for familiars to take those types of forms. Usually, they manifest as small animals." Professor Leek cleared his throat. "Alright, then. Who goes first?" He took a look at a long, yellow parchment. "Hmm… Ilk Nar."

Ilk took a deep breath as she stepped into the circle, taking her wand out of her pocket. She slipped her glove off her left hand and pressed a small, metal needle against her finger, only hard enough to draw a small drop of blood. As it fell into the smaller circle, she waved her wand and cast _familiaris streeda_ just as Professor Leek had said. The fire on the candles flared up, and the white smoke gathered into the circle, forming a blue cloud with some lighting inside. Fifteen seconds later, the smoke dissipated.

In its place was a small, sleek ferret with snowy white fur. It blinked a few times before looking up at Ilk.

"_My name is Miyukiuna, mistress_."

Ilk smiled down at the ferret and held out her arm, allowing it to climb onto her shoulder.

Zim watched in awe as the ferret materialized and climbed unto Ilk. He was barely able to contain an excited squeal as he raised his hand, hoping to be picked next. Sadly, Professor Leek was calling them by list order.

The process was the same: the students would go into the circle, pour a drop of blood, cast the spell, and their familiars would materialize in a cloud of smoke. They appeared as cats, dogs, birds, toads, and other smaller critters. Skoodge's familiar took the form of a brown owl with a plump shape, much like its master. Bob got a fat green toad with yellow eyes.

"Okay, next is Zim… That's weird; he doesn't have a surname…"

Zim raised his hand energetically. "It's me! I am Zim!"

"Okay, Zim, here it says you are no-maj-born, so I must let you know a few things-"

"I know it already, just give me my familiar!"

"Are you sure? It might-"

"FAMILIAR!"

Professor Leek sighed. "Very well, then. You've seen it many times already, so I don't need to explain it again."

Zim walked into the circle, removed the glove of his right hand, and pricked his finger to let a drop of blood fall into the smaller circle. He waved his wand (wow, even Professor Leek must find it cool if he's staring at it like that) and said the words. Instead of a small cloud, however, a loud explosion created a dark smoke screen. Professor Leek and the rest of the students jumped in fright and started coughing. Thinking quickly, Ilk waved her wand and opened the windows. The smoke cleared out after a few moments.

Zim, utterly oblivious to what just happened, opened his eyes, hoping to find a Night Furee familiar in front of him, but the circle was empty. "Huh? Where is my familiar? I want my dragon!"

"Huh, Zim? You might want to look at your head."

Head? Wait, is there something on top of it? Zim twitched his lekku as he heard something. Loud snoring. Curious, Zim looked up. There was a lean black cat asleep right in the middle of his head. Its mouth was wide open, its pink tongue hanging out of it. The snoring cat didn't seem to realize it had been summoned. Annoyed, Zim tilted his head forward to make it fall to the ground, but not even the fall woke it up.

"What is this? Where is my dragon?!"

"Well, as I said, it's infrequent for familiars to take those corporeal forms. Cats are the most common." Professor Leek coughed some more smoke out of his squeedly-spooch.

Zim poked at the cat with his foot. It didn't react. "What now?"

"You could try with a glass of water, that always works," Bob suggested.

The cat abruptly jumped to his feet-err, paws, and looked around. Big, round cyan eyes stared up at Zim curiously. After a moment of silence, the cat shrieked happily and jumped to Zim's face, crying out 'Master! Master!' repeatedly. Zim yelled and tried to yank him off, but the cat's claws dug further into his flesh. The other students (except Skoodge, Bob, and Ilk) started to laugh. Even Professor Leek couldn't contain a small, amused laugh.

Finally, the cat let go of Zim and was thrown to the ground. It stood back up again and looked up adoringly at Zim. "I'm GIR, master!"

Once he got over the anger over the fresh claw marks on his beautiful face, Zim looked down. "GIR? What does it stand for?"

GIR went blank. "I don't know." He hugged his legs, and try as he might Zim couldn't shake him off. "I love you!"

**-DMoSD-**

It's official. Zim hated his familiar. While all others are obedient and well-mannered, GIR is the opposite. He's noisy, hysterical, and outright dumb. He didn't let go of Zim's leg throughout the day, and every five minutes, he'd say 'I love you' and cuddle against Zim's thigh. In the few moments he managed to tear GIR off, the crazy cat would start bawling like a two-year-old smeet until Zim let go of his tail and let him cling to him again, this time to his head.

GIR annoyed not only Zim but also whoever was around at the time. A few other students had shot the black cat angry looks for coming out of nowhere and hugging their legs, causing them to trip. Or abruptly devouring whatever they were holding at the time, regardless of it being edible or not. Zim wondered how come GIR didn't get sick from eating so many quills.

"Are all familiars like this?" Zim asked as they made their way around the school halls. He already knew the answer to that, but part of him was hoping he was wrong.

"Well, you can't say. Familiars have their own personality even if they tend to have certain traits from their owners." Bob muttered this last part.

"My mom's familiar was also my babysitter," Skoodge added sheepishly.

"And what animal is it?"

"A wallaby."

Zim stared down, bitterly at GIR. The cat had started to eat some of the curtains from the nearest window. "Isn't there a way to get another one that isn't defective?"

Bob shook his head. "Nah, once they get their corporeal shapes, there's no turning back. At least, nobody has found a way to make familiars shift into something else. One of my brothers tried it, and it caused his owl familiar to poof out of existence."

"What do you mean by poof?"

"That. _Poof_."

As Bob tried to explain what he meant properly, the trio finally arrived at the dining hall. It was wide and full of tables and chairs, most of them occupied by students of different ages, height and grades eating and chatting. Zim raised his lekku to hear what they were saying. Most of them seemed to be talking about their summer vacation.

After waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, they finally arrived at the buffet. There was a great variety of dishes and snacks in the display being served by…

"What are those things?" Zim pointed at the small gray robot-like creatures serving the food.

"SIRs. They're metal golems that cook, clean up and generally look after the school." Skoodge explained as he was served a generous portion of mashed potatoes.

"I want waffles!" GIR cried out.

Zim sighed. "Those are for breakfast, GIR. This is dinner." GIR started to wail. All nearby eyes stared at them in irritation. Zim barely managed to contain a gulp as he tried to shush his cat. He quickly grabbed some curly fries and held them out. "GIR, I'll give you these if you shut up!"

That did the trick. GIR stopped crying, grabbed the fries, and devoured them whole.

"Potatoeees!" He jumped into the buffet table and started eating the fries until one of the SIRs ushered him away with a spoon.

That embarrassing moment put aside, the trio took their trays and looked for someplace to sit. Most of the tables were full of chattering Irkens. Zim noted all of them were taller than him, Skoodge and Bob, sometimes even by a few inches. This seemed to be enough for them to be treated as if they had some disease. They caught a few nasty stares aimed at them, though most of the other students only ignored them, except when GIR did one of his 'little scenes.'

Eventually, Skoodge's owl found an empty table in the corner of the cafeteria. It was notably older and in bad condition in comparison to the others, but it was better than nothing.

"GIR!" Zim cried out as his familiar devoured all his curly fries. GIR spat them back on the tray. Bob's eye twitched as he pushed his tray aside. His frog took advantage of it to gorge itself in mashed potatoes.

"_So this is Irkharth_," Zim thought to himself as he looked around the place again. He spotted the tallest Irkens eating on another table near the windows, accompanied by some teachers. Once again, his primitive Irken instincts kicked in, and he felt a blind admiration for the tallest Irkens.

"Who are they?" Zim asked, pointing at the tallers clad in crimson and violet.

Skoodge followed Zim's arm to the people he was pointing at and lifted his lekku as he realized who he was talking about. "Those are Almighty Tallest Mages Red and Purple," he explained. "They are the school headmasters and two of the-"

"Almighty Tallest Mages?" Zim interrupted.

"You know, the tallest and most powerful Irken witches and wizards in the world. Everyone in the Irken wizarding community aspires to be one, but not everyone gets to. If you don't reach the height minimum, it doesn't matter how skilled you are in magic."

"How do I become one?"

Skoodge blinked, perplexed. Bob raised a lekku. "Didn't you hear? You must be both tall and powerful in magic. Lack either of those, and you're done."

Zim kept staring at the headmasters longingly. He was so immersed that he didn't notice GIR was back to eating his dinner. So they were powerful _and_ tall! If he became a Tallest Mage, then nobody would ever make fun of him ever again. No longer would he be looked down upon. _He_ would be the one to look down upon people.

"Well, look who it is!" Zim recognized that voice. Indeed, he saw the same Irken he had seen at the bus stop approaching their table, followed by his cronies. This guy had a black raven, and the other two had a rat and a cat, respectively.

"Hey, you're the one who was laughing at Zim!" He pointed at the Irken indignantly.

"I see you managed to get here, though judging by how you interrupted the opening ceremony, I guess you had to ask for a lift and screwed it up." Skoodge was about to say something, but Bob quickly covered his mouth in case he'd say something stupid.

"Anyway, since you're clearly a no-maj-born and probably don't have any clue as to who I am, I'll be nice and introduce myself. I'm Larb Paxak, and these are Flobee and Alexovich."

"I am Zim!" Zim puffed out his chest.

"I know; you said your name back at the ley line terminal."

"You lie! Liar!"

Okay, this is getting awkward. Zim certainly has strange habits. Bob decided to intervene before he embarrassed himself any further, especially with all the curious stares around them.

"Zim, how about you lower your volume a bit? I think the people of Australia can hear you."

Larb turned to the tiny Irken. "And who might _you_ be?"

_Gulp_. "Bob."

"Hey, I know him! I think he's Scoot's tiny little sibling. He's always talking about how tiny he is," Flobee snickered. "And he wasn't exaggerating."

Bob shrunk under the table, deeply embarrassed. He just had to bring _that_ topic up, didn't he?

"Hey, mess up with someone your size!" Skoodge came to Bob's defense. He quickly regretted it when the trio stared at him defiantly. "I mean, you s-shouldn't be mean to p-people…"

"You know what, Larb? He's right. We shouldn't be wasting our time with shorties like them."

"Indeed, I don't like wasting my precious saliva on no-maj-borns, shorties, and especially _not_ shortie no-maj-borns."

Once again, it took Zim a few minutes to realize he had been insulted _again_. "Hey, take that back!" Too late. Larb had already left, so his words fell on deaf ears. Zim sat back down, pouting. "I hate that guy."

"Me too," Bob spoke from under the table.

"Me three." Skoodge whimpered.

* * *

**Of course, what is an Invader Zim fanfiction without GIR in it? Instead of a robot, though, he's a black cat, thus matching the wizard theme of the story. Don't worry, he still acts the same as in the show and can do stuff such as eat anything he comes across with.**

**Familiars in this au take elements on Daemons from the _His Dark Materials_ novels. While they're not the physical manifestation of people's souls, they _are_ a small fragment of it. Master and familiars don't share physical sensations, but they tend to have a deep mental and emotional connection. Despite this, familiars usually have a different personality to that of their masters, though they tend to have a few things in common.**

**I made a clear reference to the HTTYD franchise here. I personally love it, and I'm quite sad that the movies have come to an end, but part of me is glad at least it was given a proper, satisfying ending rather than being forced to continue and turn mediocre *cough* Fairy Oddparents. Oh, here I go again about that.**

**And answering to _Zim's Most Loyal Servant_, I'll leave that for you guys to figure out. Right now, I'm not vying for any particular shippings between the main characters until a bit further down the road. Blue _will_ appear eventually, though.**

**See you next time!**


	6. The Headmasters

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 6- The Headmasters**

* * *

Ilk could barely contain her excitement since her arrival despite the rather… embarrassing entry, courtesy of Zim.

As she was led to her assigned bedroom, she met her roommates Poot and Zee. Then they went to the familiar summoning, where hers took the form of a white ermine who called herself Miyukiuna, or 'Kuna' for short. Poot and Zee both got black cats.

During dinner, they got a lovely table near the buffet (if it could be called that, that is). Ilk got to know a bit more about her roommates. Lard Nar's advice: always try to be friends with the people you're going to share a room with.

She heard a small commotion in a table further away. She recognized the three Irkens she had brought in her broomstick, in part thanks to Zim's yelling. She saw another trio, all three taller than Zim's group, departing from the table. As soon as they left, Zim had to be held back by both Skoodge and Bob to keep him from going after them.

_What a weird boy_, Ilk thought as she glanced at him.

"Why does he yell so much? It's becoming annoying." Zee said, partly irritated.

"Maybe he's deaf," Poot suggested.

Ilk shook her head. "Nah, he pears pretty normally as far as I know. It's more of a habit of his."

"Some say he's a no-maj-born. That would explain why he never seems to understand what's going on."

Kuna climbed onto Ilk's shoulder and whispered. "_Mistress, we should be heading back to the dormitory_," she said. "_It's almost time for the curfew_."

The idea of talking animals is inconceivable for muggles and no-maj people. They more or less tolerate parrots and other animals that showed the smallest sign of intelligence and speech, but refused to believe that any creature that is not fully and completely sentient possessed any actual language.

Wizardkind knows better. Animal communication goes beyond growls, chirps, and non-human sounds. One of the main branches of Magical Language is the animal tongue, which is, in turn, divided into the animal kingdoms. Most magic school curriculums include the language of birds and a few mammals, but Irkharth teaches those, plus snake, fish, and even dragon tongue, amongst others.

Familiars are a different type altogether. While having the shape of beasts, they aren't animals. They are a fragment of a wizard's aura, spirits that took physical form. Their form of communication is 'actual' speech, which only their masters can understand. The reason is not fully understood, but it's believed that the familiars themselves use perpetual magic of some kind to keep their masters' matters a secret. The branch of magic that studies familiars is known as Familiarology.

Ilk, of course, didn't know it until recently. As a smeet, she wondered why Lard Nar was always talking to his 'pet' bird. Then he explained that one couldn't understand the speech of another's familiar. There _are_ exceptions, but Lard Nar wouldn't explain any further. He made a funny face and tried to change the topic.

Soon after, Ilk joined her roommates and the rest of the students as they emptied the dining hall, making their way towards the dorms. She caught a glimpse of Headmasters Red and Purple walking down the aisle, their long, majestic capes flowing gracefully behind them.

"Ilk? Hello?" she heard Poot's voice.

"Huh? What is it?"

"You spaced out."

"Sorry, I just saw the Headmasters going to their tower."

"My sister says Headmaster Red is very serious and seldom smiles if he's not laughing at someone's bad luck or snacking," Zee explained. "He's way stricter than Headmaster Purple, who's far more easygoing."

"Can you blame him?" Ilk said. "After what happened to his wife and child… Who wouldn't be bitter after that?"

She didn't know all of the details, only that Tallest Mage Red used to be married and with a smeet, but both died. The exact circumstances were a mystery. The official version was that a criminally insane no-maj killed them. Tallest Red had refused any commentaries or interviews about the matter.

There was a commotion nearby. Ilk heard loud meows and Zim's voice yelling something. Someone tackled her to the ground, knocking Kuna off her shoulder in the process.

Once the dizziness over the fall passed, Ilk glanced down at the perpetrator: a lanky black cat familiar with bright cyan eyes.

"GIR!" Zim approached, looking utterly irritated. "Let go of her right now!" He yelled, grabbing his familiar's tail and trying to pull him off her dress.

Ilk panicked when she saw the fabric tearing.

"Zim, you're tearing my dress off!" She started pulling the cat (GIR, she heard) back to her chest.

"Hey, get your own familiar and let go of Zim's!"

"Are you serious?!"

The rest of the students gathered around to see the scene play out. Some of them were laughing; others looked concerned and were looking around for any professor. Poot and Zee were pulling on Ilk from behind to help her while Bob and Skoodge were doing the same for Zim. Ilk grew desperate when she heard her dress's fabric tearing. She tried to make GIR let go of her, but his claws somehow dug deeper into her clothing. Zim was in-between yelling at GIR and yelling at her.

"_What is going on here_?!"

Everyone froze, all traces of amusement disappearing.

Ilk raised her lekku. That voice… Looking down the hall, she saw the Headmasters swiftly coming their way. Both tall Irkens irradiated an elegant, but stern flair of authority. Even Zim went quiet and stiff and let go of GIR.

Headmaster Red spoke first. "I just made you all a question. What's going on?"

All hands pointed to Zim.

"He nearly tore her dress!" A student said.

"LIES!" Zim responded loudly. "Ilk-smeet got stuck in my cat!"

"You mean your cat got stuck in Ilk's dress," Skoodge corrected.

"Silence!"

Ilk blushed deeply, trying to cover her exposed chest with GIR's furry body. Damn it, just in front of the Headmasters.

Headmaster Purple took out his wand and pointed it at GIR.

"_Wingardium leviosa_." To Ilk's surprise, GIR was effortlessly lifted into the air, somehow releasing his claws from her clothing, and then he floated over to Zim's head.

Almost immediately, she covered her chest with her arms, her lekku flat against her head in deep embarrassment.

Headmaster Red pointed to Zim, his tone stern. "You. To the office. _Now_." Somehow, Zim didn't look intimidated. In awe and wonder, maybe, but not fear.

"Certainly, sir!" He saluted happily. He followed Headmaster Purple down the way they originally came.

Headmaster Red frowned at the rest of the students.

"What are you looking at? Go back to your rooms!"

The crowd dispersed at his command, sending everyone to their respective dormitories, including Zim's roommates. Soon, only Ilk, Poot, Zee, and the Headmaster himself remained. Once alone, Red bent down and offered Ilk a hand.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned. Ilk was partly surprised at how quickly he could change his demeanor.

"Yeah, I think so," she said timidly, holding out her left hand to grab onto his gloved one, allowing him to pull her to her feet.

"Are you hurt? Did the cat scratch you?"

"I'm fine, professor, really," Ilk went back to hugging her chest. "I can't say the same for my dress, though."

Headmaster Red slid his want out of his sleeve. "Allow me…"

Ilk shyly dropped her arms from their posture, revealing the claw marks in the fabric. The Headmaster pointed his wand at it and cast _reparo_. The holes closed up and vanished as if they had been sewn back together.

"Was that Reparo?" Zee asked curiously.

Headmaster Red retreated his wand, sliding it back into his left sleeve. "Yes, it's a basic spell. You'll learn it this year in Charms."

"Thanks, professor!" Ilk said happily.

He smiled kindly at her. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to tell me. It's my job as Headmaster, after all. If you'll excuse me, I have to go deal with that boy."

"His name is Zim, professor. Don't be so hard on him; it wasn't his fault."

Headmaster Red seemed surprised for a brief moment, but he smiled again.

"I'll see what I can do, but I'm afraid I can't promise anything." He tipped his hat lightly. "Good night, young ladies."

Ilk watched him walk down the same corridor as Zim and Headmaster Purple.

Was he usually that nice to new students, or was it just her?

* * *

This wasn't the first time Zim was in trouble. Back in the orphanage, he was called continuously to Miss Bitter's office to be raked over the coals. So he wasn't intimidated by being called to anyone's office, he was pretty much used to it.

This time it did feel different, though, probably because of the ambiance. While Miss Bitters's office was gray, dirty, and had little to no illumination, making you feel in jail, the Headmasters' office was neatly organized and, true to Irken décor palette, painted mostly in fuchsia colors, but there were also traces of red and purple. The office was lit both with lamps and the moonlight coming through the wide floor-to-ceiling window. There were four bookcases with lots of books accommodated in them. Zim managed to see some weird titles such as _Advanced Arithmancy_ or _Irken Magical Artifacts Throughout the Centuries_.

Zim stood in front of the wide desk, GIR happily in tow. Headmaster Purple was seated on the left side of the desk, tapping his fingers on the surface while snacking on some nachos.

Curled up next to him was a long violet rattlesnake with horns and wings; on the opposite seat, probably Headmaster Red's, was a similar serpent, this one crimson and black with a cobra hood. Zim wished his familiar could have been a cool creature like that. But no, instead he got-

"I love you, tall annoyed person!"

Purple's eye twitched uncontrollably as he glared down at the cat clutching his leg.

"GIR, leave the Headmaster alone!" Zim snapped at his familiar.

"But it's so soft!"

"Let go of him, and I'll let you sleep on my head!"

Thankfully, that seemed enough for GIR, who yelled happily and went back to hugging Zim's leg. Zim groaned. This wasn't the first impression he wanted to give to the cool, tall Irkens. This was the first time he had ever wanted to get into someone's good graces this badly. He never bothered with Miss Bitters because she was a hyooman, and she scared him. These two, however, did the opposite.

Zim's lekku twitched backwards as he heard the door creaking open. The young Irken went stiff and saluted, closing his eyes shut. He felt GIR letting go of his leg at last, but the following 'I love you' cry let him know he was probably going to 'hug' the newcomer.

Seconds later, GIR was placed on his head.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Zim, sir!"

"Zim what?"

"Zim!"

He heard the newcomer sigh. "What I mean is, which family do you come from?"

Zim's squeedly-spooch sunk. He had been hoping they wouldn't ask him that. What was he supposed to say?

"Well, you see…" The words got stuck in his throat. How would they react if they learned that he didn't have a family?

"Um, Red, I think he's the orphaned no-maj-born." Headmaster Purple said suddenly. Zim opened his eyes and saw him looking over some papers. "Yeah, here it is. His name is here, but he doesn't have a surname nor any family history. Yup, an orphan."

Zim wanted to disappear. He wondered if there was magic to make him invisible.

"Oh." Headmaster Red looked awkward for a minute. "Well… sorry about that, kiddo." His expression became stern. "I guess you know why you're here, don't you?"

"You're giving me an invisible dead monkey?"

Both headmasters looked stunned and confused.

"What? No!" Purple snapped. "You're here for starting a fight on the first day!"

"Zim did no such thing!"

"Your familiar was attacking another student," Red said matter-of-factly.

"GIR wasn't attacking the Ilk-smeet; he just likes hugs," Zim said rather awkwardly. It sounded better in his head. "And anyhow, I didn't tell him to hug her! It wasn't my fault!"

"Zim, you _are_ responsible for your familiar's actions," Red said.

The pit in Zim's squeedly-spooch grew larger. "Don't worry, sirs! GIR shall be disciplined for such misbehavior!"

"Look, master! No hands!" GIR cried from up above.

The three Irkens looked up. To Zim's dismay, GIR was balancing in the small chandelier above them by the tail, waving his front paws energetically.

"Oh, everything looks different! It's topsy-turvy day!" GIR got a bunch of confetti seemingly out of nowhere and threw it all over Zim.

Red rubbed his temple, while Purple was staring at the scene with a stunned expression. Zim thought they'd expel him, but seconds later, Headmaster Red said. "Look, Zim, since this is the first day and miss Nar told me to go easy on you-"

"And we want to go to bed already," Purple added quickly. Red glared at him for a few seconds.

"Yeah, that too." He looked back at Zim. "We're not giving you detention this once." His frown deepened. "But do teach your familiar some manners or we won't be so kind next time. Do I make myself clear?"

Zim saluted again. "Yes, sir!"

"You can go."

Still grinning nervously, Zim warily took some steps back in the direction of the door. His hand tentatively looked for the knob. After some awkward silence in the office (except for GIR's laughter and occasional 'oooh's), Zim opened the door and rushed out of the office.

Red and Purple stared at the black cat familiar, who seemed blissfully unaware that his master was gone.

"Your owner just left, you know." Purple said. "Would you mind getting your furry butt down the chandelier? You're sprinkling hair all over my doughnuts!"

GIR finally noticed Zim had left. Dropping down to the floor with a clumsy twirl, he ran against the nearby bookcase, knocking some books down. He was still dizzy over his little adventure on the chandelier. He collided against the desk and the wall before finally speeding out of the room.

"Okay, I've seen crazy familiars before, but _that_ one takes the cake," Purple commented, munching on a slice of cherry pie.

Red didn't reply straight away. He was staring down at the new alumni list. His attention was on one name in particular. "Indeed."

* * *

**So, Red and Purple have been formally introduced in this chapter. Just to clarify, in this au they are _capable_ leaders and powerful wizards. They still keep most of their personality, though. They do enjoy snacking and slacking off, but they also get quite more active roles. **

**Another major character will be introduced in the next chapter. Till next time!**


	7. The First Day

**Okay, now that our heroes are at Irkharth, they'll have to make it through the first day. **

**More characters from the show we know and love will make their appearances.**

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 7- The First Day**

* * *

Zim had never slept in such a comfortable bed before. The ones at the orphanage were hard like wooden plants and were infested with parasites that crawled unto their occupants' bodies to feed on their dead skin.

On the other side of the spectrum, Irkharth's beds were soft, comfortable, and with griffin feather pillows, according to the labels. Zim compared the experience with sleeping on top of cotton candy, his favorite treat.

It was such a sweet sleep that the next morning, he didn't want to wake up. Perhaps part of him was afraid that everything had been a figment of his imagination in his sleep, and he'd find himself back at the orphanage. But as he reluctantly opened his eyes, he found himself in unfamiliar surroundings. Mauve ceiling, comfortable bed, black cat on his head-

Wait, black cat on his head?

"Get off my head, GIR!" Zim yelled.

GIR rubbed his eyes, jumped off Zim's head, and curled up on the bed to go back to sleep.

Zim stretched his arms out with a big yawn, but as he was about to climb down, he forgot he had picked the upper bunk bed, resulting in him falling face-first into the floor.

"Ow…" Zim groaned. He rubbed his reddened face, getting back on his feet while glaring up at his bed. "Curse you, bunk bed!"

Bob murmured something and got up. He shot Zim an irritated frown.

"Are you always that noisy?" he growled in contempt.

Skoodge, having awakened a bit earlier than his roommates, was already slipping into his Irkharth uniform.

"We should start getting ready. The first class starts at nine o'clock. Our first classes are magical language, potions, and magic numerology. Not to mention breakfast."

"Do we learn to fly on the broomstick-things?" Zim inquired.

Skoodge took a quick look at the itinerary.

"Yeah, we'll have our first flight class after the lunch break."

Zim grinned in anticipation, rummaging through his luggage to grab his uniform and put it on. Dark blue robe, black gloves, and boots, the dumb tie he couldn't adjust properly, cool pointy hat… Zim looked at himself in the mirror. He looked cool! He could imagine everyone staring at him in awe, whispering in excitement at being in his mighty presence. He was Zim the next Almighty Tallest Mage, after all!

He was briefly brought out of his daydreaming stance by a poke on the shoulder.

"You don't have to wear a hat, Zim. It's for formal events only." Skoodge explained.

"_But_ you have to take your wand and familiar. Those two are obligatory wherever you go." Bob let his frog, _Elvis_, climb unto his head.

Zim yelped when GIR, having witnessed the frog getting onto its master's head, assumed he could do the same and jumped straight to his face to hug it.

"Get off my face, GIR!"

"But it's so warm!"

"GIR!"

There isn't much to say about breakfast time. The trio had to make a long line at the buffet, where GIR drove Zim and everyone nuts by asking, 'are we there yet?' every two minutes. Once they were in front of the food, GIR launched himself to the waffle station and started eating them all, coating himself in honey and whipped cream. Thankfully for Zim, he was quick enough to move out of the way just as GIR leaped towards his face again.

Admittedly, Zim wasn't sure of what to expect for the first class, as he had never gone to school. The only reason he could read and write was that Hecate taught him how to in her free time. He wanted to learn cool stuff like flying on a broomstick, but they had several other classes before that one, so Zim figured it'd be like a regular class. He'd sit and write the stuff of the board on his parchments.

First-years took most of their classes on the ground floor, switching in-between classrooms. The first one, room 101, had fuchsia walls, a red-carpeted floor, and long wide windows that overlooked the late summer scenery around Irkharth. The setup was similar to that of a lecture hall with long desks running across the room in rows.

To Zim's utter dismay, Ilk was sitting right in front of them, her ferret familiar curled up next to her. Zim quickly grabbed GIR and put him under the desk before he could see her. Whenever he thought she'd look back, he'd join GIR under the table for a few seconds.

"Wouldn't it be easier if you just apologized?" Skoodge asked.

"I didn't do anything; it was GIR!"

"Are we playing hide and seek?" GIR said.

"Silence!"

Bob peeked under the desk.

"You might want to quit fooling around. The professor's here."

The magical language professor was a tall adult Irkenette clad in dark mauve clothing contrasting her hot pink eyes. Her voice was stern and loud as she introduced herself as Professor Poki and began a lesson on ancient runes.

Every time she waved her wand, the Irken runes on the blackboard would change. Zim struggled to write quickly enough, as he found quills harder to use than a regular pencil or pen.

Poki waved her wand again. This time, the symbols that appeared on the blackboard looked like a drunken smeet wrote them. Some recognized it as ancient Irken but were unable to read it.

"Is there anyone who can tell me the translation of this verse?" Professor Poki asked. It seemed like nobody would answer until a gloved hand stood out from the multitude. Poki raised her lekku. "Proceed, miss Phynxak."

Ilk glanced at the Irkenette who raised her hand as she stood up. She was taller than average, and her skin was a paler shade of green than usual. Her posture irradiated confidence. She couldn't see her eyes, but judging by her purple waist sash, they must be purple too.

The Irkenette took her hands behind her back and looked at the blackboard.

"_Bless the one who leaves the stone untouched_," she read as if the runes were written in ordinary language. "_Woe betide the one who moves it_."

The classroom erupted in awed gasps. Even Professor Poki looked impressed.

"That is most impressive, Tak! In all my years as a teacher, you're the only student who has been able to read this."

Tak didn't react to the excessive attention. She merely sat back down; her face held up high with dignity. Zim felt the slightest bit of jealousy. Ilk was impressed by her dominion over such a difficult language, and Skoodge stared at her with raised lekku, his face pink.

The next class was magic numerology. The teacher was an elderly tall Irken named Skrang. His robes were a shade of sapphire to match his eyes, as per tradition with Irken wizarding clothing. The particular trait this professor had was his bigger-than-normal head and his habit of talking fast without stopping to take a break.

Tak and Ilk were the only ones who somehow managed to write down everything he dictated. Zim fell asleep after five minutes of listening to 'senseless babble,' as he'd later call it.

"Numerology says you can describe the universe from one to five-"

"Professor Skrang," Tak interrupted, "I believe it's from one to four and not one to five."

"What?" Professor Skrang reread the paragraph. He gasped. "Oh, no! How could I make that mistake? You're right!"

"She's even smarter than Skrang!" One of the students murmured in delight.

Skoodge sighed dreamily as Tak sat back down.

The next and last class was potions. The group had to move to a classroom located in the dungeons. Though well-lit, the walls were made of stones, and the lack of windows and sunlight gave the place a repressive air. GIR and Kuna hid under their respective masters' clothing. However, the former was continually being pulled out and yelled at by Zim. GIR didn't seem to get the message and continued to jump back into his clothing in an endless cycle.

The potions classroom was as dark and unwelcoming as the dungeons themselves, equipped with wooden chairs and desks, cauldrons, and empty vials. There were also lots of lined up shelves with bottles, big and small, of all shapes and colors. Zim read some of the labels: _sea dragon whisker, ogre toenail, snakewood root_.

The bell rang. The professor walked in with heavy footsteps. Unlike the other teachers Zim had seen so far, this one was _obese_ and had a small head in comparison to his massive body. His robes and pointed hat were a deep shade of purple.

"Any of you who hoped to take your wands and cast useless spells, I'm here to crush your hopes," He said in a rough voice. "I'm professor Sizz-Lor, and it is my job to teach you smeets the art of potion brewing…"

Zim and Bob didn't pay attention to the boring introductory speech. Instead, they peered at the nearby containers and tried to guess what ingredients they were housing. While entertaining, it diverted their attention to the point they didn't see Professor Sizz-Lor approaching until he yelled right into their lekku.

"YOU TWO!"

Both Irkens yelped in fright as they lost balance in their seats. Bob managed to straighten up at the last moment, but Zim wasn't so lucky and fell to the ground with a painful thud. The rest of the classroom, except his roommates and Ilk laughed. They were scared back into silence by a glare from Professor Sizz-Lorr. He turned back to Zim.

"So you think you know enough about potions to outright ignore me, huh?" He asked in contempt. "Then you can tell me the use of the doxycide potion and the ingredients it contains."

Zim went blank. "Huh… Chocolate chips?" He frowned at Larb's table upon noticing he and his cronies were laughing at him.

"HA! Wrong, Mr… What's your name?"

"I am Zim, and I will become an Almighty Tallest Mage!"

Sizz-Lor looked at him as if he had gone insane. The kiddo had even gotten to his feet and puffed out his chest.

"Curious claim from someone who doesn't know about such a basic potion." That said, he addressed the rest of the classroom. "Thanks to Zim here, you'll all write a seventy-inch parchment essay about the doxycide potion." The students groaned in dismay. "Now, get to work and stop complaining if you don't want to make one hundred inches!"

Zim murmured under his breath and went back to his seat, ignoring the nasty looks he got from his classmates.

**-DMoSD-**

"Curse you, Sizz-Lor! Curse you!"

"Just don't say it in front of him, or he'll have us make a hundred inches of parchment," Bob muttered. His left hand was still aching from all that hurried writing.

"Professor Sizz-Lor is known to be very demanding but effective… If you aren't on his blacklist, that is." Skoodge glanced at Zim. "And it seems you are already in it."

"On the first day, no less!"

The atmosphere was somewhat tense during lunchtime, as most first grade students were glaring at Zim whenever they could. Zim, of course, didn't care. He was too busy cursing Sizz-Lorr for making him look like a joke and stabbing his curly fries and donuts, imagining they were Sizz-Lor's head.

The only good thing was that soon enough, he'd finally learn to fly a broomstick.

Skoodge was about to get some more pretzels when he saw Tak making her way down the buffet and picking her meal. Oh, sweet Irk, she's coming their way! He quickly raised his lekku and tried to look as tall as possible. Sadly, Tak soon turned at the second row of tables to sit at the nicer ones, where other taller Irkens instantly surrounded her, Larb's group included.

Skoodge's disappointed gaze was interrupted by a cherry coming into contact with his eye, courtesy of GIR.

"Was that necessary?" He asked, rubbing his sore ocular orb.

"You looked like a candy-zombie!" Zim yelled. "Are you candy-zombie? Look out for your blood, Bob!"

"What? No, I was just…!" Skoodge hesitated. "I mean, she was outstanding in class."

"You mean Tak?" Bob said. "Well, yeah, she's a year above us, not to mention tall for her age."

Ilk, having heard the topic of their conversation, walked to their table.

"It's not only because of that," Zim yelled and hid under the table. She ignored the gesture. "She's from the Phynxak family. They're famous in the magic world. Some members of that clan are amongst the best witches in history.

Bob flung a cherry at his frog, who caught it with its long pink tongue.

"I've heard of that family. They've got 1,500 years of history, and all of them graduated from Irkharth with the highest honors. Not to mention their bloodline is purely tall," Bob muttered this last part with a hint of bitterness.

Ilk peeked under the table. "You okay, Zim?"

"Zim is fine, Ilk-smeet! I am merely looking for my fork!"

Ilk saw said utensil in GIR's paws being used to poke at Skoodge's owl playfully. She almost giggled, but she figured out Zim would feel offended.

"Whatever you say, Zim. Anyhow, it would be best if you guys hurry up. Flight class starts in twenty minutes."

The mention of flight class caused Zim to jerk and hit his head under the table, causing the drinks to spill over. The Irken crawled out of hiding and asked where it would take place. Ilk noticed a particular shine in his eyes. She couldn't blame him; she was very excited when she flew for the first time herself.

"Flight class is taken in the Quidirk field. It's easy to get there, you take the eastern gates and…" she hadn't even finished when Zim grabbed GIR by the tail and sped out of the dining hall.

"Maybe we should have mentioned he needs to pick up an auxiliary broom first," Bob said.

* * *

As Ilk said, Flight class takes place in the quidirk field at one P.M. It's a large, grassy field with white painted lines, and each side had three tall poles with rings at the top.

At the accorded hour, students made their way outside, all carrying their broomsticks. Most had to pick up auxiliary brooms from the school's storage room because they didn't have their own. Others like Tak, Larb, and Ilk went to get their own from their dormitories. Skoodge was kind enough to take a broom for Zim, who spent the first five minutes riding it and pretending he was already flying.

Unlike most subjects, Flight is taken by groups of different grades, each assigned different exercises according to their experience. Professor Krel, the flight instructor, was a tall Irken with mauve eyes whose robe had a collar which covered his mouth, and a pair of goggles in his pointed hat.

"Magic Flight class is about to begin," he said. "First-grade students will have a special class. The rest of you practice how to gain speed. Let's get to it!"

Older grade students mounted their broomsticks. Non-flying familiars, such as Tak's sleek black cat, climbed into the broom's tails just as their masters cast the flying spell and took off into the skies. Flying familiars, such as Larb's raven, flew alongside them. Meanwhile, first-graders formed two lines in front of each other, holding their auxiliary brooms in one hand. Their familiars sat to their right as Professor Krel began his explanation.

"As some of you know, broom flying is amongst the most basic magic for witches and wizards, but if you're not careful, you can get hurt or worse."

"Yes, sir!" Zim cried with a straight posture.

"Who of you have experience in broom flying already?" A few raised their hands. "Who can tell me the basic rule?"

"Eyes to the front, grip on the handle, and never lose your focus." Ilk answered, reciting Lard Nar's words.

"Good, miss Nar! Indeed, if you lose your focus or get distracted, the results can be fatal. Before you can get airborne, you must learn the security measures."

Zim was disappointed that the first half of the class consisted of a dull, boring explanation about posture, familiars on the tails, the proper way to hold the handle, etcetera. He didn't pay attention. Instead, his eyes darted off to the sky as he watched the older students flying. Some were doing acrobatics, while others were diving down and lifted back up at the last moment.

He casually spotted someone under a nearby tree. He was tall and thin, so he must be older, but for some reason, he wasn't flying with the others. Instead, he was doing something to his broomstick while a big, black tarantula (probably his familiar) watched on. Zim couldn't tell the color of his eyes due to the red goggles the taller Irken was wearing.

Skoodge nudged Zim lightly to bring him back just as Professor Krel decided to start the practical part.

"You will now mount your brooms, but do _not_ take off just yet. Those with flightless familiars pay attention: your partner's magical energy will partly act as fuel for your broomsticks, allowing you to fly faster. For this, they must remain on top of the broom's tail for it to work," he looked up at the airborne students, looking for one in particular. "Miss Phynxak, would you be so kind as to show us the proper flight posture?"

Tak flew down. "Certainly, professor," she glanced back at her familiar. "Mimi!" Tak straightened her back and tightened her grip on her handle. Mimi, a sleek black cat with crimson eyes, sat down on the broom's silver tail, chest puffed out, tail curled up, head held up high.

"Excellent, Tak! Everyone, that is the proper posture for flight, both for you and your familiars. Now mount up!" Finally! Zim was the first to get onto his broomstick with an excited grin. "Okay, once you're mounted, make sure your familiar is properly seated on the tail before casting the spell. Then we'll fly in laps around the court slowly and only a few inches from the ground."

The excitement died down as quickly as it had come.

"Hey, when will we fly?" Zim protested.

"Mr. Zim, I cannot allow you to fly until I'm certain you won't fall to your deaths." Professor Krel mounted his broom and somehow cast the flying spell non-verbally. He hovered a few inches over the ground with his eagle familiar flying right next to him. "Okay, lift up and follow me!"

The group cried _tia freyre_. Their broomsticks reacted and hovered off the ground. Students who were already used to flying it handled it naturally; others like Skoodge were stiff, and their grip on the handles faltered.

Watching his companions was motivating enough for Zim, despite being sorely disappointed over the tedious exercise.

Taking a deep breath, Zim cried out. "_Tia freyre_!"

A few seconds passed, but his feet were still touching the ground. Zim opened and eye and realized he hadn't moved an inch. He tried again, but nothing happened.

"I think the broomstick is not working!"

"Sometimes you don't get to fly at the first try. It's a matter of practice, Mr. Zim," Professor Krel said. "But maybe it's got to do with the fact that your familiar isn't on the tail." He pointed at GIR.

The little cat had lost interest at some point and went to blow dandelions near the quidirk rings instead. GIR noticed he was being watched and waved his paw energetically at Zim.

"GIR!" Zim yelled.

"Fetch your familiar and keep trying, Mr. Zim. The rest of you follow my lead!"

Zim grumbled as he stomped his way over to GIR while his classmates followed Professor Krel around the quidirk field.

"GIR, what are you doing? You're making me look bad!"

"Look, master! I made you a flower crown!" GIR said happily. He held up said crown made with lilies and dandelions up to Zim, utterly oblivious to his master's angry expression.

"Stop wasting my time, and let's go!" Zim grabbed GIR by the tail, but as he tried to lift him off the ground, GIR dug its claws into it.

"I don't wanna!"

"GIR, stop it! Just get onto the stupid broomstick so that I can fly!" With a strong thug, Zim tore GIR away from the grass and placed it on the broom's tail. "_Tia freyre_!"

Unlike the last time, Zim felt his feet leave the ground. As he opened his eyes, he realized he was floating. He spread out his arms triumphantly with his signature 'victory for Zim' cry. But his joy was short-lived as GIR suddenly jumped to his head and got a tight, uncomfortable grip on it, followed by a loud frightened wail right into Zim's lekku.

"GIR, get off my head!"

"WAA! MASTER, I'M SCARED!"

Unbeknown to both, the 'surprise attack' caused the broomstick to dash through the air and fly out of control as Zim tried to move GIR's paws from his eyes. The broom broke through his classmates' formation, sending most back to the ground with painful thuds. Even Professor Krel was caught off guard, though he did manage to avoid a collision at the last moment. He cried out for Zim to stop, but his words fell on deaf ears.

Soon the broomstick gained altitude and flew through the formations of the older students; most who dodged Zim as he dashed past them. A few others weren't so quick and were almost knocked off the sky.

One of those was Tenn Vendish, an Irkenette in the same grade as Tak. Zim unintentionally rammed into her, causing both to fall off their brooms and plummet to the ground. Both screamed and hugged their respective black cat familiars, though GIR's yelling sounded more like an excited yell. Didn't he realize the danger they were in?

Both would have fallen to their deaths if someone hadn't cast a spell that brought them to an abrupt halt a few inches from the grass. Zim kept screaming even after the magic wore off, and he fell to the ground with a loud thud. It wasn't until Skoodge and Bob came, and the latter smacked the back of his head that he realized he was still alive, and the screaming stopped.

"Why did you hit Zim?" he snapped at Bob.

The older students gathered around Tenn to check if she was okay. Though still shaken by the experience, she got to her feet and stomped her way to Zim.

"Are you insane?! You could have killed us both! What were you thinking?!" She yelled in a nasally voice.

"Hey, you were in my way!" Zim tried to defend himself.

"You weren't even looking where you were going, idiot!"

"GIR was blocking my sight!"

"You are responsible for your familiar's actions." The group looked at Tak, who approached with a stern frown on her face, her familiar Mimi moving alongside her. Tak tucked her wand away. "Familiars are an extension of a wizard's soul. Whatever they do _is_ the wizard's responsibility."

"You're making it up!"

"I got flowers for everyone!" GIR started throwing dandelions on top of Zim and Tak and ate the remaining stems.

"You don't get the point, do you? You could have killed someone!" Tak scoffed. "Then again, what else can be expected from an irresponsible no-maj-born?"

"Take that back!"

The two would have continued their argument hadn't Professor Krel intervened.

"Knock it off, the both of you!" he said, looking only at Zim. "Mr. Zim, that was reckless on your part! If it weren't for miss Phynxak, you and miss Vendish would have gotten seriously hurt! You should be grateful!"

"She started it!" Zim whined.

"Sorry, Mr. Zim, but you are going straight to detention once the class is over." He pointed at a particular spot. "You go wait there until then!"

Zim wanted to keep arguing. He would have, but he didn't want to be sent to the Headmasters' office one day after their warning, so he merely murmured as he picked GIR by the scruff of the neck and did as told, cursing Tak on the way there.

* * *

**Uh-oh. First day and Zim's in trouble already.**

**I put Tak as the best student because from what we saw in the show, her skills are above even a normal Invader, with a superior disguise and SIR unit, not to mention she built MIMI and her ship from scratch all by herself. In this AU, she comes from a known Irken wizarding family, so she's a very skilled witch and takes her studies very seriously.**

**As for Sizz-Lor's role... Well, come on, we know he'd _definitely_ be the Snape of this AU, though his temper is far more explosive and he doesn't bother to dissimulate who he hates. **


	8. Sneaking Out

**Man, I swear, this quarantine is taking its toll on me! I hope you are faring better, my dear readers. **

**I've got a little surprise for you: we'll finally get to see Dib in this chapter! His role will be similar to that in the series, except that he's more interested in magic. **

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 8- Sneaking Out**

* * *

They had seen unruly and unmanageable students before and dealt with constant troublemakers not long after the school year starts, usually with weeks in-between. But this? The same kid from the first day returning after a mere two days? This one takes the cake. Literally, in this case.

Red and Purple sat behind their desk, staring at Zim and his roommates, who were dragged in by a pair of SIRs. The former sighed.

"You three again?" Red raised a hand to his forehead, rubbing his temple. First, the issue on Wednesday about the Flight class, and now this. "What did you do this time?"

Purple was staring at them with a pout, his arms crossed. "They snuck into the kitchen last night and ate a whole cake!"

Zim had a similar childish pout in his face alongside his frown, contrasting his companions' fearfully submissive postures. Bob timidly lifted a trembling hand and pointed at Zim, whispering that it was his idea.

"It wasn't a cake!" Zim clarified.

"What?" Red asked.

"It wasn't a cake. It was a tart!"

Bob smacked his forehead while Skoodge whined in dismay. "Zim!"

"They're very different things!"

This only irked Purple even more. "That makes it even worse! It was my triple chocolate donut tart!" he growled, getting on his feet to assert his dominance. "Do you have any idea of how much it costs? It was a limited-edition flavor!"

Rather than being intimidated by Headmaster Purple's height, Zim stepped forward and lifted himself onto the desk, trying to match his height. "You're so stingy with food that we're always hungry! There are only mashed potatoes, french fries, and potato salad on the menu, and I'm sick of it!"

"If you had all of those potatoes, you should be full!"

"Potatoes digest quickly!"

The argument would have continued for hours if Red hadn't finally reached his limit. "SILENCE!" He shouted, standing abruptly and banging his hands on the desk. The outburst startles both Zim and Purple into silence. Satisfied, Red looked down at the trio with a stern frown. "Not only you steal a tart; now you show disrespect to your headmaster?! That's it! The three of you are going straight to detention!"

"What?!" The trio cried in unison.

Red wasn't done. "Additionally, you are not allowed to leave the school grounds this weekend, and you'll have an extra class with Professor Sizz-Lorr on Saturday!"

Zim gulped. Not him! Sizz-Lorr certainly hadn't been happy with him in their first meeting, and he certainly would not be glad to deal with Zim on Saturday. Before he could protest, one of his companions got ahead of him.

"Headmaster, wait!" Skoodge rushed to the desk and looked up at the two perplexed headmasters with desperation all over his face. "I need to go to town tomorrow; it's really important!" He begged. "Please implement another punishment; I'll do anything else!" Skoodge went on begging for a while, offering to do tasks often left to the SIRs, including a foot massage for the Headmasters. He even unknowingly smashed Zim's head against their desk. "L-Look, Zim is very sorry, and he'll never do it again, right Zim?!"

Zim's only response was a dizzy, confused groan with his tongue hanging.

Skoodge brought his hands together in one last attempt. "I'll do anything, but PLEASE! Let me go to the city! Please, please, please!"

Of course, it worked wonders with Red. "I will absolutely not! You three are GROUNDED!"

That was an hour ago, and Skoodge hadn't moved nor reacted ever since. He was frozen with a look of dismay and shock, his jaw hanging open. Zim and Bob tried everything to snap him out of it, but nothing worked so far. Even though GIR had painted his face and put flowers on his head, Skoodge didn't even blink.

"He might break a record if it goes on like this," Bob murmured.

"Hello? Zim to Skoodge! Hey!" Zim waved hi shand in front of him for a few more minutes before giving up. "If they weren't so stingy with food, we wouldn't have stolen that tart!"

"Or if we had taken something smaller, they wouldn't have noticed it was missing," Bob said.

GIR waved his paw eagerly as Ilk passed by. "Hi, Ilkie!" For some reason, he had taken to calling her like this, no matter how many times Zim told him not to.

Ilk heard the cat and walked closer to the trio. "Hey, guys, what's up?" She noticed the state Skoodge was in. "What happened to Skoodge?"

Zim grunted. Just who did she think she was, approaching and dare speak to him as if they were friends. "None of your business, Ilk-smeet! We got detention over a stupid tart, and you'll never know!"

"Um… You just told me."

"Lies!"

Bob frowned at Zim. "You're not good at keeping secrets, are you?" Oh, well, Ilk was kind enough to talk to the 'shorties,' so he guessed it wouldn't hurt to tell her. "We were caught stealing Headmaster Purple's tart, and now we'll be stuck at school on Saturday with Professor Sizz-Lorr."

Ilk raised her lekku. Steal a tart from the Headmaster? That was pretty bold; it not outright reckless. If there's something Irkens can value over height, it's their snacks. "You could have picked something smaller. No one would have missed a brownie."

Bob laughed triumphantly. "See? I told you!"

"Shut up," Zim said bitterly, crossing his arms. "Bit deal, it's not like we had anything particular to do on Saturday."

The word Saturday seemed to make something inside Skoodge's head snap. He grabbed Zim by the shoulders and pulled him close by the uniform to cry out in his face. "Don't you know?! Tomorrow's the launch of the _Night Falls_ 365th edition!"

"Night Falls? Isn't it the novel series about time-traveling?" Bob inquired.

Skoodge nodded his head eagerly, taking a slip of paper from his pocket and show it to the others. It depicted single candlelight glowing in a dark background. The book's title was written in white cursive letters, and there was smaller writing beneath it.

_To all fans of Night Falls._

_To commemorate the official launch of the 365th edition, the famous Anna Bellcreme, author of the Night Falls series, will be attending the event to sign books. Don't forget to bring your copy!_

"It'll be the biggest Night Falls convention ever! There will be disguises, exclusive items, but overall the author is going to be there!"

"Okay… So what's the big deal about this Fall Nights."

Skoodge's eyes opened even more (if it was even possible), and his jaw dropped open. "You haven't heard about the _Night Falls_ series?!" He shouted. Zim shrugged. "I can't believe it! It's one of the greatest book series in the magical world!"

"He's no-maj-born, remember?" Ilk pointed out. It wasn't out of malice, but to remind Skoodge that Zim still wasn't aware of many things in the magical world. Zim, however, misunderstood the gesture and frowned at the Irkenette.

"_Night Falls_ tells the story of a young Irkenette named Belle whose hand in marriage has been promised to the Tallest, but she already loved another: a fast-food drone named Skroon, who is also secretly a noodle vampire!" As Skoodge narrated the story, the others noted how he and his owl Chocolate made drastic poses to match the descriptions. Zim found it amusing while Bob hoped nobody was watching. "It's got love, adventure, war, conspiracies, friendship, humor, drama, and it's the first book to cover all of these genres!"

"I hear there are even two opposing groups who argue about which suitor Belle should choose. One goes for Skroon, and the other goes for Tallest Skyk." Ilk added.

"It's gonna be awesome…!" Skoodge's stance changed out of nowhere again, this time into depression and anxiety. "But I won't be able to attend… My life is over. Nothing matters anymore…" He and Chocolate sulked away with such an air of hopelessness that a nearby pot of flowers wilted.

"Poor Skoodge." Ilk said sympathetically.

"This is Zim's fault," Bob said.

"What?! Why me?!"

GIR piped out of sudden. "Well, you stole Tally's tart and got detention." It was the first time he said something that made sense.

"Silence!" Zim yelled at his cat. "If Skoodge wants to go to that dumb convention, then we're taking him!"

Ilk and Bob looked at him, raising their lekku. "What about detention?" The latter asked.

"Big deal, I'm not spending my Saturday stuck in a classroom with Sizz-Lorr!" Zim shivered at the idea, but they didn't notice. "And I can guess neither do you, right, Bob?"

"But skipping detention with him? The punishment for _that_ is even worse." Ilk pointed out.

"Nobody asked for your opinion, Ilk-smeet!"

"You know what? You're right!" Bob said, jumping to his feet with a big grin. "I'd rather be surrounded by lots of nerds in stupid costumes than massage Sizz-Lorr's feet!"

Ilk rubbed her chin. "In that case, I think there might be a way to get into town unnoticed."

* * *

"Dib's log: I've been looking into the zoo incident, and I got my suspicions that the lion's escape had to do with magic. After asking around, most witnesses say that the bars of the cage weren't broken or bent, they seemed to 'vanish.' Dad's been trying to find a logical explanation for it, but all evidence points to magic!"

"Dib! Bring your big-head down to the kitchen!"

"My head's not big!"

Dib Membrane, paranormal investigator and winner of the 'biggest head in the world record' (much to his chagrin), son of famous Professor Membrane. He's unique amongst humans, as he believes in magic and the supernatural. Those two topics are seen as nothing more than myths and fantasy, invented stories to make up for lack of an explanation to certain phenomena. Now that science has explained all of them; magic was deemed as a figment of humans' ignorant imagination.

Well, Dib didn't agree. He was determined to prove that magic did exist and was kept a secret by its users in a worldwide conspiracy to avoid persecution. His father thought it was a phase and let him partake in his 'unreal science' for the time being. He wasn't home very often, anyway.

Dib packed his camera, binoculars, notepads, and a bag of cheesy puffs into his backpack and walked out of his room. He found Gaz in the kitchen eating her bowl of frankenchokies already. She never waited for him to eat, though Dib didn't mind as long as she didn't eat all the cereal. As he served his franken-chokies in his bowl, Dib surfed through the TV channels until he found the News broadcast, hosted by Han the Vortian and Flash Kip, a human.

"_Good day, Doomsville, and welcome to yet another rendition of Doom News._"

"_Today, as you know, is the official launch of the 365th edition of the Night Falls book series! It'll be a big event with hundreds of fans gathered in the limestream plaza wearing costumes of their favorite characters! It's like the comic-con, but better!_"

_"Don't forget the top of the cake, Flash_," Han cut in with a more professional face. "_The author, Anna Bellcreme, will be present to sign books during the whole even. Fans from all over the world are gathering in the plaza already. Some of them spent the night at the plaza to be the first in line._" Images of a long line of people, humans and aliens alike, were shown on the screen. As Han said, there were camp tents, portable beds, nests, and many signs that the first ones at the queue had camped all over the place.

Flash laughed heartily. "_Indeed! I wish I had, but sadly the copies of the book sold out worldwide in a matter of hours_."

Dib sighed as they went on to talk about the climate, having forgotten about the lion incident already and acting as if it had never happened at all. This is why people never got a lead regarding magic.

"Stupid nerds," Gaz said, never removing her gaze from her Game Slave.

"Hey, you gotta admit it's interesting. Nobody's ever seen Anna Bellcreme. It's the first time she comes out in public."

"Big deal, it's just a socially dead fella who is so miserable that she created a fantasy world in which everything is color pink."

"Maybe, or she hasn't shown herself because she has something to hide."

Gaz raised an eyebrow. "If you're so sure, why don't you go stalk her?" She wasn't serious, but she knew she only needed to put the idea inside his enormous head to get rid of him for the rest of the day.

Dib's eyes lit up. "Hey, that's not a bad idea! I'm going to spy on Anna Bellcreme and see what she's hiding!" Dib gobbled up the rest of his cereal, picked up his backpack, and hurried out the door. "Thanks, Gaz!"

Gaz rolled her eyes. Once her brother left, she smirked and turned up the volume of the TV, putting it on record mode. She had never missed her brother making a fool of himself on live TV before, and she's not going to start now.

* * *

"Stupid potatoes!"

Zim repeated those words long after they finished unloading the carriage after it departed and after they got off once they reached their destination. And one wonders why he goes around stealing tarts?

Bob was at the limit of his patience. "We heard that the first fifteen times, Zim, so it'd be nice if you stopped saying it!" he growled.

Skoodge didn't take sides in the following argument as he was too mesmerized by his surroundings. There were posters of Night Falls hanging all over this area of the city, and a good number of fans who wore disguises and costumes of all sorts; some were good, others sucked. Chocolate was just as excited. He was fluttering around his master's head with delighted hoots.

"Look!" Skoodge grabbed Zim's arm and dragged him towards a Vortian in a space pirate costume. "That's the deck master of the space pirate ship in volume one hundred fifty-eight!" Their next stop was a Plookesian playing an instrument with colorful images. "Over there is the holophoner killed in the war on volume two hundred and twenty!"

"Hey, that's the old loan Sharkin who appeared briefly in volume thirty-seven!" The trio glanced down at GIR, who was pointing at a shark-like alien in a suit.

"How do you know that if you haven't even read the books?"

GIR tilted his head. "I don't know. Ooh, my tail!" Zim's eye twitched as his cat started chasing his tail around.

"Okay, let's get that autograph and get out of here."

"Good luck with that," Bob pointed at a long line running all around the plaza. "I bet there are hundreds of people in there."

Zim laughed. "Big deal, if there's someone good at cutting into long lines, that's me!"

"You sure? Those guys look like they won't take it kindly."

"Master, a bee! Hi, bee!"

Zim yelled and hid behind a pot once he saw whatever GIR was pointing at. Bob saw a Beemian, a bee-like alien, pass by.

"Okay, what just happened?"

* * *

They seldom came into the city, but with their limited edition tart digesting in Zim's squeedly-spooch, they had to buy another. Instead of wearing their wizard clothing, they changed into a more no-maj-like attire: long trench coats and smaller hats, black for him, white for Purple. Red hated this type of clothing, but the IES decreed that wizards and witches must look as normal as possible in a no-maj environment.

"Why didn't we just order the tart via FoodEats again?" Red asked his co-Headmaster, who suspiciously insisted they buy their tart in person.

"Are you kidding? They take too long, and it gets cold! Besides, you know Mrs. Kritten's pastries are better eaten at her place, all warm and with hand-crafted hot cocoa!" Red raised an eyebrow. Purple's too lazy to come to the city for a little tart unless there's something else in the equation that he wasn't telling him.

As they turned around the corner, they came into limestream plaza, which today was crowded to the brim with people in costumes. "Hey, something's going on."

"I heard it's a Night Falls event." Red frowned. He's never liked those books, mostly because of the way Irkens were portrayed in it.

"Silly novels." Red glanced distastefully at a Vortian painted in green, trying to pass off as an Irken. "How embarrassing. Aren't they too old for cosplay, anyway?"

"Uh, yeah!" Purple laughed nervously. "Say, why don't we take a look to see how stupid it is?" Red narrowed his eyes. Purple didn't look disgusted at all. It sounded like he was trying to hide the fact that he liked the novels.

He shrugged it off after a moment of pondering. "Fine."

They needed to go through here to get to the café, anyway.

* * *

"Dib's log: so far, there's no sign of Anna Bellcreme. However, I've run into many people who might as well be wizards or witches in disguise. If only I could find a way to confirm it."

Dib made his way through the assembled crowd. It wasn't hard since his short height made it easy to squeeze his way through people's legs, though such wasn't the case with shorter aliens such as Vortians, Nar'ghok, or the bee-like aliens.

"Hey, watch it, big head!"

"My head's not big!" Dib snapped at the bolg Nar'ghok on whose foot he stepped. Why did everyone keep saying that?

It's been half an hour since he arrived. So far, he hadn't seen anything suspicious. He followed people a few times, thinking they'd lead him to a clue or sign, but either ended up in a dead-end or running away from a mob of angry women. During one of those cases, Dib didn't see where he was going and ran into someone. His camera slipped off his grasp as he and the 'victim' fell to the ground. "Ouch!"

"Foolish hyooman! How dare you run into Zim!"

Dib scrambled to get his glasses and camera back. "Sorry, mister…!" His hand grabbed something thin and light, probably a pencil or pen for autographs. As he finally found his glasses and put them back on, however, he could examine the object more carefully. It wasn't a pencil. It was a twisted stick with some handle. Wait, a stick with a handle?

"Hey, give back Zim's wand!" The owner, an Irken in a short navy blue robe and a black cat on his head, tried to snatch the stick away. Wand? Navy blue robes? Black cat? This could only mean one thing.

You're a wizard!"

Zim froze at the accusation. He went stiff while GIR dropped off his head and ate a discarded piece of paper, spitting it back out and then chewing on it again. Looking around, he noticed people were looking right at them. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, really? You're wearing wizard robes, you have a wand," Dib held it out accusingly. "You even have a black cat!"

Zim glanced around at the disguised people. "Duh, it is cosplay, ignorant hyooman! Zim's supposed to bring a costume, am I not?"

"That's curious, I don't recall there being a wizard with a black cat in the Night Falls series!" some of the people around them sighed in exasperation.

"Kid, a wizard does appear briefly in volume fifty-six. Any true fan of the Night Falls series knows it."

"But what about the wand? And the black cat?!" Dib pointed at GIR, exasperated.

"Foolish hyooman! A wizard is supposed to carry a wand and a dark-furred feline companion!" Zim snapped. This time, he managed to snatch his wand away from the hyooman.

A fat man in a dark robe, pointy hat, and stuffed black cat shook his head at Dib. "You should be ashamed of yourself, kid. Making fun of cosplayers just because we love costumes! I guess she is an actual clocktower, isn't she?" He pointed at a girl in said disguise.

"Wait, I think I know who he is! He's the big-headed son of Professor Membrane, the one who stalked Brittany Sanders in the Summerside festival!" The crowd started to murmur. Dib's cheeks were so red that he almost looked like a big red tomato.

"My head is not big!" In the momentary distraction, the Irken wizard snuck out of the circle formed by the crowd around them. "Hey, get back here!"

Zim looked around for somewhere to hide, but GIR made it hard with his constant 'are we there yet,' which attracted the Dib-thing straight to them. Eventually, he turned around a corner and into one of the ballrooms but screamed upon realizing this was the females' bathroom. As he rushed out, he ran straight into the Dib-stink, and both fell to the ground. "Ouch!"

"Get off me, Dib-stink! GIR, do something!" But GIR was too busy eating the nearby potted flowers.

It took Dib a few seconds to realize he had caught up to his target. "HA! Got you! Now that we're alone, you will tell me if you're a wizard or not!"

"Never! You will never learn that I, Zim, will be the greatest Irken wizard ever!"

"You just told me."

"You're making it up!" Zim kicked Dib off him and got to his feet. He better blow the Dib-stink up before he ratted him out. Yeah, he'd take his wand and-

"Looking for this?" Dib held out his opponent's wand, which he had slipped out of the Irken's pocket. "Now that I have a magical tool in my possession, I will finally prove magic is real!"

"Foolish hyooman, your simple mind cannot comprehend the complexity of Irken magic!" Before Dib could reply, GIR jumped from behind him and snatched the wand with his teeth. Zim laughed. "Ha! Excellent, GIR!"

"Hey, give it back!" good thing he came prepared. Searching into his backpack, Dib took out a pair of handcuffs. "I have these, and I'm not afraid to use them!"

Zim stared at the harmless cuffs. "What are those?"

"Just some anti-magic cuffs I ordered on the internet. I've been waiting a long time to try them!"

"How do you know they work if you've never used them?"

Dib smirked. "Only one way to find out!"

* * *

**Uh-oh. Looks like Zim is in trouble. Don't worry, we'll get to see what happens in the next chapter! **

**The Night Falls thing is a reference to _Little Witch Academia_, on which this AU is partly inspired, and this chapter is loosely inspired by an episode featuring this book series. Except this time, the premise of the books are different.**

**See you around, dear readers! And don't forget: stay at home!**


	9. Busted

**Here we are, people! Preciously, in Defective Magic, Zim and company skip detention to attend a book signing event, where Zim runs into none other than Dib Membrane himself. Will Zim escape from his pursuer? Will Skoodge get his autographed book? Will Purple get his tarts? Only one way to find out.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Defective Magic**

**Chapter 9- Busted**

* * *

Red wanted to go straight to the cafeteria and then back to school, but to his utter dismay, Purple trailed off and started looking around at the _Night Falls_ stands and merchandise. He didn't even have to ask why; he had suspected that his friend actually _liked_ this series ever since he found a copy of the two hundredth edition in their office last year.

"Really, Pur? Since when do you like this cheesy series?"

"I don't!" Purple countered. The bags filled with merchandise said otherwise, though. "It's for a friend!"

Red raised an eyebrow but shrugged it off. Man, the things he puts up with for Purple.

"Anyway, we should get going. Mrs. Kritten runs out of that tart very fast."

"Get back here!"

"Stay away from me, Dib-hyooman!"

That voice! Red looked back, but there were too many people around to make sure he hadn't just imagined it properly. He thought he saw a speck of green followed by a black shape move swiftly through people's legs. Red raised his lekku, but the loud chattering made it harder.

"Hello? Irk to Red? Hey!"

"Huh?" Red blinked and looked at his co-Headmaster. "What?"

"You spaced out, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I just… I thought I heard Zim."

Purple laughed. "Come on, Red. Zim's back on the school having detention with Sizz-Lorr. I don't think he's having fun around here, is he?"

* * *

"Hey, Skoodge."

"What is it, Bob?"

"Why do you like this series so much? I mean, Irkens don't usually like _Night Falls_ because it erroneously portrays our kind." Skoodge sighed. No one had ever asked him about that.

"It started when I was a smeet…" He spotted a tiny Vortian dressed as an Irken being teased by a Planet Jacker. "My mom runs a cafeteria for wizards and no-maj alike. I often helped her, but no Irkens would talk to me. I was shorter than average even back then, so no other smeets would let me play with them.

"That was when I found _Night Falls_ at the library," Skoodge smiled a little. "I sympathized with Skroon because he was also bullied and underestimated due to his short height; not only that, he and Tallest Svyk used to be friends as smeets, pushed away by their eventual difference in both rank and height. But as I read, I noted that Tallest Svyk's desire to wed Belle is because she's the reincarnation of his late wife, who was secretly a Shorter. Then all I could focus was on that. The next thing I knew, I was no longer worried about my other problems.

"I'm sure there are many others who also found solace in these books. Even if Irkens aren't portrayed 'realistically,' you can identify with them."

"Well, when you put it that way…" Bob looked around. "Hey, where did Zim go?"

"Bob, Skoodge, ruuuun!"

They barely jumped out of the way just as Zim sped by in a hurry.

"What the…?"

"Um… Bob, I think that big-headed hyooman is going to put us in those…!" Skoodge pointed at Zim's pursuer, a big-headed human kid, who sneered when he saw them.

"Perfect! More wizards!"

Both Irkens screamed in fright and darted after Zim.

* * *

"Hey, Red?"

"What is it?" Purple was looking around the crowd, his lekku twitching and standing straight.

"I think I heard Skoodge Kritten and Bob Amako."

Both headmasters exchanged glances and burst out laughing, before speaking simultaneously. "No."

Purple wiped a tear from his eye. "Anyway, let's go eat before Mrs. Kritten runs out of tart."

* * *

"Finally!"

Try as they might, they couldn't lose him. He was hot on their trail even as they ran outside and tried to blend in with the crowd. The hyooman, or Dib-stink as Zim called him, was fast and had sharp reflexes for a hyooman. They ran out of limestream plaza and into the street. Zim, being used to running away from Torque at the orphanage, had no trouble in keeping his pace, but Skoodge's weight and Bob's shorter legs made it harder for them to keep up.

"Why don't we blow him up or something?!" Zim yelled.

"We can't use magic out of school, especially in front of no-maj people!" Skoodge explained in-between pants. He nearly tripped with GIR's tail, but _Chocolate_ pulled him up by the collar of his robes to help him regain balance.

"Any ideas?!"

"We could hide at mom's café; it's not far from here!"

"We should lose the hyooman first!"

"There!" Bob pointed at an ice cream-selling vehicle. "Let's get on top of that!"

The trio crossed the street as the cars came to a stop. Zim knocked on the transit officer, causing Dib to unintentionally ram against him, but he quickly got back on his feet and resumed the chase.

He nearly caught them in an alley, but the fat Irken knocked a nearby crate of oranges with his feet. Dib tripped on one of the fruits as they scattered and cascaded on him. In his attempt to keep his balance, the Irkens passed over him.

"Over here!" Zim led the others up unto a car and leaped between each one. Bob tripped and fell onto the ice cream truck's windshield, to the driver's surprise. Skoodge pulled him up. "Are you okay?"

"Talk later!" The three climbed onto the giant ice cream on top of the truck. Bob pointed at the hyooman as he approached by the sidewalk. "Damn it. A broomstick would come in handy!"

"Over there! Jump onto that Vort runner!" The trio jumped on top of a small Vort ship as it stopped in the red light. Zim was the last to climb, as he had to get GIR off the ice cream; his familiar wailed all the way to the other ship until he started nibbling on its antenna. The three sighed in relief as the cruiser flew higher and away from the Dib.

"Well, that was exhausting!" Bob was panting heavily, wiping some sweat off his forehead.

"I don't think we're out of the woods yet. He looks like he's going to follow us to the end of Irk."

"Hey, Skoodge. You said your maternal figure has a snacking establishment nearby, didn't you?" Skoodge nodded.

"It's ten minutes from here. We can take a break there and take the floo terminal to get back to Irkharth before the curfew."

"But what about your autograph?"

"That's okay. I managed to attend a one-of-a-kind _Night Falls _event, that's a good reward for me."

**XOXOXO**

As Skoodge said, the café wasn't far from Limestream plaza. It's on the corner between cherrystreet and the main avenue. It's a famous establishment for both no-maj and wizardkind alike, mainly because of its fantasy creature-shaped cakes and pieces of bread. The three friends got off the vort runner once it stopped at the next red light and walked towards the café, whose exterior had been nicely decorated in warm green tones and a fantasy touch to its architecture. A fairy-shaped sign hung right above the door with the words _The Green Fairie_ written in gold cursive letters.

A small bell rang as Skoodge pushed the door open. The place was, as always, busy. The dècor reminded Zim of the homely kitchen in his favorite storybook when he was a smeet. He curiously examined the display case. His lekku twitched at the pleasant warm smell coming from the pastries, his mouth watering at the sight of the dragon-shaped cake.

"Can I help you?" Zim raised his head and saw a female faer looking down at him with a friendly expression.

"Hey, Mal'a!" Skoodge waved his hand amiably at her.

"Skoodge, what a surprise! How's school so far?"

"We came to the _Night Falls_ event and decided to pass by before going back to school."

"I thought you said it was a wizard cafè," Zim pointed out, disappointed.

Mal'a glanced around hurriedly, making sure no customers were listening. "Go into the occupied restroom. Skoodge will show you." Curious, Zim and Bob followed him down the room and into a corridor. One of the restroom doors had an _out of service_ sign. Zim opened it and found a neatly clean bathroom.

"This is supposed to be the way in?"

"Yeah, but you have to activate it first." Skoodge glanced around for any no-maj. When he found none, he pointed his wand and cast _Revelatte_.

The written letters shifted and moved around, transforming into Irken characters that read 'Welcome.' When the door opened again, there was a small flight of stairs instead of the bathroom.

"Come on, let's go before anyone notices."

The stairs led up two stories and into a wide balcony that overlooked the city center. There were tea tables and matching chairs set up around the terrace, most of them occupied. The sweet smell of the cakes wasn't as strong as in the lower floor due to the open air. The customers here wore robes, and their pointed hats were placed in nearby hat stands while their familiars were either perched on their shoulders or resting next to their feet.

A wallaby was moving around with a tray in her head, delivering drinks and snacks to the customers. Zim was momentarily taken aback until he recalled Skoodge mentioning his mother's familiar was said animal. The wallaby took notice of their presence. It raised its ears and approached Skoodge to pull him into a hug.

"Ank, can't breathe!"

"Wait a minute, you mean the wallaby is the waitress?" Bob made a mental note to check his food for any hairs.

"Hey, Ank, is mom here?"

The wallaby wrote something in a small chalkboard hanging around its neck chalkboard and turned it.

_Your mom went out to do some errands. She should be back in a few hours. But tell me, how have you been? Have you eaten well? Are you brushing your teeth?_

"I'm fine, Ank!" Skoodge's cheeks were a deep shade of pink. "We were just passing by."

Ank wrote in her board again upon noticing Bob and Zim. _And who might these be?_

"These are Zim and Bob." the next writing was directed to Zim and Bob.

_Oh, my, so you are Skoodge's friends? Wonderful! I'm so glad he's finally made some friends!_

"Aaaank!"

_Sorry_, _Skoodgy-poo. Take a seat, and I'll bring you something to eat in the house! _Zim and Bob snickered at the nickname while GIR awed at it. Skoodge buried his face in his hands in embarrassment.

Since all the tables were taken, they sat on the counter, where Ank brought them lemony-splooch juice. The wallaby was ecstatic over Skoodge's visit to the point of licking him constantly every time she came to refill their drinks. _Chocolate _pecked on her head and pointed to one of the tables where a customer was asking for a refill.

"Hey, this is good!" Zim was happily slurping his second drink, as GIR had claimed the other. "What does your mom put in these?" Skoodge sighed.

"Wish I knew. She insists on keeping the secret ingredients a 'secret' even from _me_."

"Why did she call the place _Green Fairie_?"

"See, my grandma used to study fairies, so there were always lots of fairies around the house. Mom chose to become a pastry chef, but she named it _the Green Fairie_ to honor her memory."

"You're lucky. At least you don't have taller relatives or siblings who are always picking on you for being the 'shortie.'" Bob murmured bitterly.

"Come on; surely there's someone who doesn't."

"... Well, there's my mom, a sister, and a brother, but three against all others isn't exactly reassuring." They noted Zim hadn't said anything about his family yet and instead was slurping on the fifth glass of lemony-spooch juice. "Hey, Zim, what about you?"

"Huh? What about Zim?" he asked.

"What family drama do you have? You know, any pestering little siblings, overprotective moms, the usual."

Zim froze. What was he supposed to say when he didn't have anything to share regarding that topic? What would they think if they found out he had no family history or even a surname?

He hurriedly averted his gaze distractedly, trying to find a way out of answering the question. An opportune speck of red and purple did the trick. Zim yelled and jumped over the counter to the other side before either of his companions could ask what was wrong.

"Zim! What the-?" Bob was cut short when Zim pulled him and Skoodge over to his side.

"Shh!" Zim hissed urgently, motioning them to keep quiet.

"What's wrong? Why are you…?" Skoodge trailed off when he peeked over the counter to look…

...In time for Headmasters Red and Purple to walk into the balcony. Skoodge yelped and hid back behind the counter.

"What on Irk is-?!" Skoodge quickly covered Bob's mouth, motioning him to lower his volume.

"The Headmasters are here!"

Bob paled. "What?!"

"Shh! They just walked in!"

"Why?!"

"How should I know?!

"Look, master, it's the tally ones! Let's say hello!" Zim hissed at his familiar, shushing him.

"Are you nuts?! If they find out that we skipped detention, we'll be lucky if we don't get expelled!"

"We could sneak out," Bob suggested.

"To where? The stairs are in plain view, and Headmaster Purple has sharp eyesight!"

"Shh, they're coming!" The three went quiet as the Headmasters approached.

"Hey, look, they still have the tarts in stock! We can order a bunch in case _someone_ decides to steal them!"

"Yeah, as soon as _someone_ bothers to tend to us. Hello!" Skoodge barely hid his legs under the counter as Headmaster Red leaned forward. "Damn, I think Mrs. Kritter isn't home. Should we come back another day?"

"No way, I didn't come all the way here to leave empty-handed! Helloo! Miss Kritter or her pet marsupial! Anyone home?"

Skoodge panicked. From mom's letters, he knew the Headmasters were regular customers, and their height and influence brought more empty bellies. What impression would it give if they left without their food? Thinking quickly, he grabbed a long trenchcoat, hat, and a mustache from his old emergency stash. "Guys, this might sound crazy, but I need your help."

"What are you going to do? You'll get us caught!"

"Think about this. The sooner the Headmasters get whatever they came for, the sooner they'll leave!"

Zim and Bob exchanged a look.

* * *

"Dib's log: I've lost the trio of wizards, but thankfully, I managed to put a tracking device on the black cat when he took the wand back. Currently, it shows their location is on top of a building that doesn't seem to have a balcony. It must be concealed by magic, so I'll need to find a way in…"

The three Irken wizards somehow managed to elude him. He lost them after the ice cream truck. They were smart; he'd give them that.

Luckily, Dib Membrane never leaves things to chance. His tracker on the Irken's familiar led him to the exterior of a cafè known as _The __Green Fairie_. He had heard about it. His dad often ordered lunch and snacks from this place in the lab, trying to figure out the ingredients that made the food so delicious.

The red dot was right on top of the building, but there was no visible balcony on this one. Anyone would have thought it was defective, but Dib was sure the place his tracker was leading him to was somehow concealed from the public. If his theory were right, he'd need real magic to get access to this place.

"Welcome to the _Green Fairie_! How may we help you!" A friendly-looking faer, humanoid alien species with fairy traits (how could dad not believe in magical creatures when there are literal fairy people in front of them?) greeted him when he stepped in.

"Excuse me, miss, but I need to use your restroom! It's an _Emergency_!" Dib whispered quickly.

"Oh, it's right over there, young man." The faerie pointed at a corridor with a few doors. "Just please don't throw your paper in the toilet."

Dib made his way to the man's restroom; he had drunk about two liters of lemonade on his way here, thank you very much.

As he was about to come out a while later, he noticed two tall Irkens dressed in trenchcoats (one carrying a lot of bags) going straight to the _Out of Service_ door. Didn't they know how to read? He was about to point it out to them when he noticed the one with red eyes slipped out a small stick with a handle from his sleeve. Dib froze. It was just like Zim's wand, except it was longer, purplish, and adorned with swirly patterns. He quickly withdrew from the door before they noticed he was watching.

"_Revelatte_."

Dib had to cover his mouth to contain the excited squeal as he realized the Irkens were wizards too. When he took a peek again, they were stepping into a flight of stairs instead of a restroom. Knowing he probably had a few seconds until the spell subsided, Dib quickly dashed out of the bathroom and held the door before it closed. He quietly stepped in, taking out his camera.

Okay, this is it. All his life he's been waiting for a chance like this, and he'd make it worthwhile.

The staircase led to a spacious cafeteria in a balcony, but unlike downstairs, there was a magical air here. Floating teapots, spoons stirring by themselves, empty plates flying from the tables into the kitchen; Dib barely managed to contain an excited squeal as he recorded everything.

Dib took out his camera and started by recording himself for his introduction. "This is Dib Membrane, and for the first time, I'm recording evidence of true magic!"

He wandered around the café, describing whatever he had in front and explained the magical phenomena enthusiastically. Then he came close to the counter. The two tall Irkens were currently discussing something with bartender: a tall irken in a coat with a mustache and a hat.

"Hey, where is the whipped cream? I want more whipped cream!"

"Pur, just finish it so we can go back to school before sundown." School? A magic school? Cool! If only he could get its location…

Dib looked up at the Irken behind the counter. Hey, there's something familiar about those eyes. When the Irken noticed he was looking at him, Dib saw him go pale, his eyes flashing with panic. A familiar black cat poked from under the hat.

"Mary!" Before Dib knew it, the cat had leaped from the Irken's head and right into his face. He cried out, trying to pull him off.

"What the-?!" Both Headmasters jumped back in surprise as the hyooman boy was suddenly attacked by the familiar. Red narrowed his eyes at it.

"Hey, isn't that Zim's cat? What is it doing here?" Wait a minute. The cat was hiding under the bartender's hat. Red swiftly removed it, recognizing the Irken. "Kritten?!"

Skoodge yelped. "N-No! My name is… Pit! I d-don't know who this Skoodge is-!" A painful croak and hoot later, their three-Irken-tower collapsed, and Skoodge fell on top of Bob and Zim. The three shouted in pain simultaneously.

"You two are squishing me!"

"Skoodge, get off Zim!"

"What on Irk?!" Red and Purple leaned over the counter. Like the former suspected, the three students that should be in detention were right there, on top of each other, scrambling to get back on their feet.

"Why are you three here?!" Purple nearly shouted, pulling his purchased ration of tarts to his chest. "Stay away from my tarts, Zim!"

"S-Sirs, we can explain it!"

"We were hiding from the Dib-stink!"

"The what?"

Zim pointed at the hyooman boy with the big head who was still being assaulted by Zim's familiar. Rolling his eyes, Purple pulled the cat off the boy's head by the tail and placed him on the counter.

"The Dib-stink has been chasing us all over the city, and we needed to hide, sirs!" Zim exclaimed. "He somehow figured out I was a wizard and-!"

"_What_?" Red's tone was dark as he frowned at Zim. "You mean to tell me that you led a _no-maj_ child to a magical establishment?!"

All the other customers who gathered around, Ank included, gasped in shock.

"That's right, Irken! I have evidence of what happens here, and I'm going to expose you to the world-!" Dib's triumphant monologue was interrupted as a long, red-winged snake coiled itself around him, and a purple one took his camera off his hand. "Hey, give it back!"

Purple's familiar slid up his arm and handed him the electronic device. "Interesting. I wonder how it works…"

"Give it back, Irken!"

Red slid his wand out of his sleeve. "Kheron, hold him still."

His snake slithered its tongue and tightened its grip on the hyooman.

"C-Can't breathe... " Dib realized the Irken was pointing his wand at him. "What are you-?"

"_Obliviate!_"

Dib's face went completely blank as the spell seemingly took effect. Kheron bit into Dib's neck, only pouring in enough venom to knock him out for a few hours. Red sighed.

"Okay, that should do it. Now we leave him somewhere."

"What did he do?" Zim asked quickly.

"He cast a memory spell on him to make him forget everything he saw," Skoodge explained. "He won't have any recollection of anything when he wakes up. At most, he'll think it was all a dream."

"Couldn't we use it on the Headmasters so they forget they saw us here?" Zim hid behind Skoodge when Headmaster Purple approached with a deep frown.

"You know we can hear you, don't you? And for your information, that spell is not for newbies. Improper casting can result in the victim getting permanent brain damage." The three students gulped.

Red joined in, but his expression was far more stern. "Okay, now as for you three..."

"Huh…" Thinking quickly, Skoodge held up a fresh batch of muffins. "Fairy-muffin?"

* * *

**It's official. Zim has earned himself a place in Red and Purple's black list. Then again, it was bound to happen. However, I'll point out that they don't outright hate him like in the show. Rather, they are exasperated and deeply frustrated that Zim seemingly can't spend one day without getting into trouble. **

**As Invader Johnny pointed out in his review, I made the chase sequence like in the Nightmare Begins. I wanted to make a direct reference to the show in this part, except that Skoodge and Bob are also targeted by Dib.**

**Don't worry about Dib: he'll be appearing in later chapters. **


	10. Dragonology 101

**This chapter won't be as action-packed as the previous ones, but Zim and Ilk's relationship starts developing... sort of.**

* * *

**Defective Magic**

**Chapter 10- Dragonology 101**

* * *

"Hey, you have to admit it could have been worse. At least we didn't get expelled."

"Yeah, but seriously?" Zim dropped his brush and pointed at the large, dirty pot he just finished scrubbing. "Scrubbing pots? This is a SIR's job!"

"What are you complaining about? You left me the biggest one!" Bob frowned at Skoodge, who was excitedly reading the latest _Night Falls_ entry. "Hey, a little help here! You're supposed to be scrubbing pots too!"

Sadly, his words fell on deaf lekku.

When they got back from school, the Headmasters decided that their punishment would be to scrub the kitchen pots for two weeks _plus_ spending the Saturdays with Sizz-Lorr. The Potions Professor wasn't happy with the three, as he had been particularly demanding with them whenever they were in class. Zim was already dreading next Saturday.

As they returned to their rooms, Skoodge found a package on top of his bed. It was the newly-released volume of _Night Falls_, signed by Anna Bellcreme herself; GIR read the note and then ate it.

_Sweetie, I got you the latest entry of this series you love so much. Congratulations on your first week at Irkharth!_

_-Mom_

Skoodge had a big, goofy grin on his face ever since and spent hours devouring the book, chirping in delight now and then, doing nothing but read even during their pot-scrubbing session, much to his roommates' chagrin.

"Hey, Skoodge, there's an acromantula above you."

Skoodge didn't even flinch. "Okay."

"That's it. We've lost him." Bob murmured.

Finally, the kitchen clock marked nine. Bob and Zim dropped their brushes with exhausted huffs. They decided not to inform Skoodge that their time was up as a little payback for leaving them all the work. They walked out of the kitchen and made their way to the showers to take a cold, refreshing bath.

They were on their way to their dorm when they noticed a bunch of first-year students gathered in front of the announcement board.

"What's going on?"

"It's the electives list. We're signing up before they run out of vacancy."

Zim raised his lekku. He remembered Lena-witch mentioning one about dragons back on the Wizard's Market. He made his way forward, pushing aside whoever was in front of him.

"Hey, wait for your turn!"

Ignoring the Irkenette, Zim scanned the papers on the board. Most of them were already full. He saw Tak's name in at least three and mentally cursed her. He saw some exciting subjects such as Care of Magical Creatures, Magical Gastronomy… There! Dragonology! There are only two vacant spots left! Zim quickly snatched a quill from the nearest Irken and wrote his name in the first space.

"Victory for Zim!" He laughed.

"Damn, Alchemy's full!" Bob groaned. "Oh, well." He wrote his name in Broom Design. "Hey, should we write Skoodge's name?"

Zim heard hurried footsteps echoing through the corridor. "Nah, here he comes."

Just as he said, Skoodge caught up, stopping in front of the board. He was panting heavily; book tucked safely under his arm.

"Here you… _pant_… are!" Skoodge spoke in-between pants. "Where were you?!"

"Signing up for electives while you were too busy reading and leaving us all the work." Bob retorted bitterly, crossing his arms with a frown.

"Which ones have vacancy?"

Bob took a quick look at the lists. "Huh, Dragonology, a few spots in Broom Design… No, wait, I think there's a spot in Magical Gastronomy." Skoodge sighed in relief and signed his name on it. "You're interested in that one?"

"I'd like to help my mom with the café after graduation."

The rest of the group dispersed a few minutes later. Ilk appeared from around the corner just as they were heading towards the dorms. The Irkenette sped towards the board as fast as her feet allowed her to. Zim would have guessed she came from the other side of the castle.

"Please tell me Alchemy has vacant!" she said in-between pants, just like Skoodge a few moments before.

"Sorry, someone took the last spot a few seconds ago. There's only Dragonology left." Skoodge said.

Ilk sighed, signing her name in the last vacant on said elective.

"Great, the one I don't have a book of."

"You didn't want that one, I guess."

"Not at all. Lard Nar is an alchemist and potion maker. He taught me the basics so I could have a headstart in Alchemy. I'm far more interested in reforging raw materials than dragons."

"Dragons are way cooler than potions!" Zim argued.

"And more dangerous." Ilk countered.

"And cooler!"

Ilk sighed. "Let me guess. You signed up for Dragonology?"

"Guys, we should all get back to bed. Electives start tomorrow, and we'll need all the extra energy we can get."

"I couldn't agree more," Bob said.

With that, they returned to their respective dorms. As soon as they were inside, Zim searched through his books until he found _Dragonology for Beginners_. He looked for a page depicting a sleek black dragon similar to the titular one from the _How to Train Your Dragon_ series. The main difference was a longer neck, smaller spines on its back, and a more wolf-like body. He was so excited he could barely contain happy squeals.

"Ha! I will finally see a Night Furee with my own eyes!"

"What? Oh, you mean the HTTYD thing? The guy behind it is a squib, but he comes from a family of Dragonologists."

Zim tilted his head. "Squeeab?"

"Squib," Skoodge corrected. "It's people who are born in a magic family but have no magical powers of their own."

"The thing is that he made himself a name in the no-maj film industry. He based some of the dragons in the films on actual dragon species, but he _had_ to make a few design changes and use different names. The Furyspined Nightback profoundly inspires the 'Night Fury.'"

"I thought it was illegal to reveal the existence of magic to the no-maj."

"It is, but there are some exceptions. No-maj people are already aware of magical creatures in a certain way. Still, since they believe they are only a myth, there isn't much trouble in putting them in fictionalized works such as films and books." Bob explained.

Skoodge had climbed unto his bed by then. Bob and Zim did the same soon after.

"Good night, guys."

"I ate a spider, master!"

"Shut up, GIR!"

A few minutes after the lights turned off, Zim awoke, grabbed a flashlight he had tucked inside his backpack and hid under his blankets. He continued reading _Dragonology for Beginners_, tucking Mr. Scales in one arm. Soon after, GIR joined him under the blanket. "Are those iguanas?"

"No, GIR, those are dragons. Big, scaly, fire-breathing dragons." Zim whispered.

"Oooh!" GIR cuddled next to Zim and, for once, stared at the pictures calmly and entirely focused. Hopefully, he'd behave like this the next day.

* * *

Ilk spent the first half of the day worrying about Dragonology. She had bought the books meant for Alchemy with her savings from brownies she'd sell in her spare time. She couldn't ask Lard Nar to buy her another book. Due to this issue bugging her, she missed Professor Poki's lectures and writings on the board, but Zee was kind enough to lend her her notes so she could copy them.

"Is there no way to get into Alchemy?" Ilk inquired during lunchtime.

"Not as far as I know. Once a class is full, it's fill." Poot said.

Ilk groaned, smacking her forehead. "Serves me right for not getting a remembrall…"

"You could have told your familiar."

Kuna hid her face in her paws sheepishly.

"She fell asleep with me." Ilk clarified.

"You know, you could try asking the Headmasters. Who knows?" Zee laughed. "Maybe they could lend you a hand."

"The Headmasters? I heard they don't give preferential treatment to anyone." That, and that they weren't particularly nice with first-years, from what she'd heard.

"Well, Headmaster Red _did_ seem to like you. Perhaps he might make an exception for you."

Ilk wasn't sure if Zee was joking or not, but she guessed she had nothing to lose by asking. The worst that could happen was that they said 'no.'

So during the fifteen-minute break between Flight class and the electives, Ilk went up to the Headmasters' office only to stop right at the door. "I'm nervous."

"Relax, mistress. You're just going to ask them a question." Kuna ushered into her lekku.

"Yeah, but everyone says that they're not exactly nice."

"Who knows? Headmaster Red _was_ nice the other night." Kuna had a point. Headmaster hadn't looked like a jerk. He had fixed her dress and acted politely.

Taking a deep breath, Ilk knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Okay, this is it. There's no turning back. Ilk turned the knob and pushed the door open. Headmaster Red was in his desk, writing on some parchments.

"Professor?"

He seemingly recognized her voice. Headmaster Red lifted his gaze to look at her. "Oh, miss Nar, it's you."

Ilk sheepishly waved a hand. "Hi… Ow!" Ilk flinched as she felt a small bite on her lekku. Ilk frowned at her familiar. "Kuna!" The ferret looked away innocently. She heard a chuckle. "I'm sorry, Professor…!"

"Don't worry. You don't have to apologize. Is there anything you need?"

"Um… Well, you see, signing up for electives was yesterday… I wanted to sign up in Alchemy, but I fell asleep…" Damn it, she felt like an idiot. "It got full before I could write my name, and I was wondering…" Ilk took another deep breath. "Could you check if I can get into Alchemy?" She was half-expecting the Headmaster to laugh or dismiss her in any way, but he merely smiled.

"I'll see what I can do, but I'm afraid I can't give you a concrete answer right now. Meanwhile, it would be best if you hurried it up. Your next class starts in five minutes."

Wait, what? Ilk looked at the clock on the wall. Sweet Vort, it's half-past two! She's going to be late! "Oh, no! I have to go! Thanks, Professor!"

Red chuckled, shaking his head as Ilk sped out of the office.

* * *

With _Dragonology for Beginners_ tucked under his arm and GIR on top of his head, Zim happily made his way to classroom 205 on the castle's eastern wing. The place had lots of dragon pictures hanging on its wall, some of which Zim had seen in his book, anatomy posters, and a giant skeleton hanging from the ceiling.

The desks were mostly full. To his dismay, he found Tak amongst the front rows. Zim marched down the classroom to take a seat in the desk next to the window. The Dragonology Professor Sluch was a tall Irken with burn marks on the right side of his face, whose familiar had the shape of an iguana.

"Good evening, class. This is dragonology for beginners. Is everyone accounted for-?" He hadn't finished when the door burst open.

"I'm sorry!" Zim recognized the Ilk-smeet. He snickered. Silly Ilk-smeet, arriving late to class. "I got lost!"

"That's okay, Miss Nar. You can take your seat." Zim snickered again. Poor fella who would have to share a seat with her-

"Hi, Ilkie!"

"Hey, GIR." Ilk greeted his familiar as she came to sit right next to _him_.

"Go get your seat, Ilk-smeet!" Zim snapped.

"This is the only free seat left, Zim."

"Alright, everyone, let's start with the basics. Surely most of you know what a dragon is, don't you?"

Naturally, Tak was the first to raise her hand. "Dragons are winged reptiles with magical properties, most notably their ability to breathe fire and above-average range of intelligence, though this latter trait varies by breed."

"Good, miss Phynxak!" Professor Sluch congratulated. Zim frowned at Tak. "Indeed, dragons are magical beasts classified XXXXX in the danger chart, but certain parts of their bodies have properties used in magic. The study of these beasts is called dragonology. Open up your books on page 3."

"Huh, Zim?"

"What do you want, Ilk-smeet?"

"Think I could read your book with you? I don't have one."

Zim laughed. "How silly of you, Ilk-smeet! Who doesn't bring the book to class? Why didn't you pick it up before coming here?"

"I mean, I don't _have_ it, Zim. I didn't purchase it because I didn't plan on entering dragonology." Ilk said with an eye roll.

"Who doesn't want to see dragons?" Zim thought for a moment. Perhaps if he could convince her of how cool dragons are, she'd change her mind. "Alright, Ilk-smeet! You are free to share Zim's book- GIR!" He barely grabbed his familiar by the tail before he could tear the book in half.

"You said we could share it, master, so I'm giving Ilkie her half!"

"I meant that she could lean in and read-!"

"Mr. Zim!" Professor Sluch scolded in a loud voice. "Keep your familiar under control!"

"Yes, sir." Zim murmured, dropping GIR on the desk.

Unlike other classes, Zim paid full attention to Professor Sluch as he explained the different dragon breeds, their characteristics, and their traits. He anxiously waited for the dragon-riding part, but it just didn't arrive. Instead, all he heard was that dragons are better off if left alone unless you wanted a scorching death.

Meanwhile, GIR made little dragon origami in colorful paper. Where did he even get it?

Currently, they were learning about smaller dragon breeds the size of horses and ponies such as the fireblast digger, long drilled shocker, amongst others. Zim looked through the book, trying to find the Night Furee.

"Zim, I can't read if you're flipping the pages." Ilk said.

"Why isn't the Night Furee here?" Zim inquired.

"You mean the Furyspined Nightback? That breed is very dangerous. It's probably in more advanced books."

Ignoring her, Zim raised his hand to get Professor Sluch's attention.

"What is it, Mr. Zim?" He asked, momentarily halting the lecture about the fireblast digger's diet.

"When do we get to see real dragons?"

"Interactions with live specimens are restricted until sixth year. Encountering a dragon is no laughing matter. Ill-prepared people get roasted, devoured, torn apart, etcetera."

"When do we train a Night Furee?" The rest of the class glanced at Zim, some of them groaning.

"Not that silly movie again…"

"Is he that dumb?"

"He's a no-Maj born, so it's no surprise."

"Attempts at dragon 'training' are grown upon, _Zim_." Tak cut in with a stern frown.

"Indeed, miss Phynxak. Now-"

"You lie!" Zim interrupted. "The guy who made _How to Train your Dragon_ is from a dragonologist family!"

"DeBlois is a squib who had little to no access to actual information about dragons. No one in the magical world takes him seriously. His portrayal of dragons tones them down to 'pets' when real ones would burn you to a crisp and tear your hand off in that order," Tak continued. "I wouldn't take that film as a reference."

"There are records of people who successfully worked with tamed dragons, and some breeds are pacific enough to co-exist with."

"See? Even the Ilk-smeet agrees!"

Tak was unimpressed. "Those cases were exceptional since the dragons were hatched and imprinted on. Their handlers had to surrender them to sanctuaries six months later because the dragons were getting out of control. One of the creatures slaughtered a no-maj's cattle _and_ a young child!"

"That's correct, Miss Phynxak," Professor Sluch said matter-of-factly. "The Irken Magical Congress forbade the breeding or possession of dragon eggs ever since. Now, if I may continue…"

Zim spent the remainder of the class glaring at Tak with a deep scowl on his face. He doodled dragons on the edges of the page, and often drawing himself on top of one or Tak being incinerated. The unpleasant experience put him in a sour mood for the following free hours and until dinner.

"Zim, you okay?" Zim jumped. The Ilk-smeet was following him? How come he didn't notice?

"GIR! Why didn't you tell me the Ilk-smeet was following me?!"

"I did," GIR said.

"You're lying!"

"You forgot your book in the courtyard, " Ilk said, holding out _Dragonology for Beginners_ in one hand.

Oh. "Well, thank you for bringing Zim's book, Ilk-smeet!" he snatched it back.

"Hey, you know what's funny? I was going to buy one myself, but someone grabbed my basket on the bookstore."

Zim laughed. "Serves you right for leaving you books out in the open!"

The mention of a bookstore rang a bell in GIR's brain. "Hey, master, didn't your book stash include Alchemy books?"

"Hey, how do you know that if you weren't born when that happened?" Zim inquired. GIR merely tilted his head.

"I don't know. Oh, a spider!"

Ilk blinked. Alchemy books? Why would he…? Wait a minute. The boy she heard back in the bookstore was called _Zim_, now that she thought about it. The voice, the speaking mannerisms, the Alchemy books GIR just mentioned…

"You're the one who stole my books!" Ilk accused, pointing the finger at Zim.

"You're lying! You hadn't paid for them yet, so technically they weren't yours!"

"Well, you don't grab things that aren't yours in the first place!"

"Finders', keepers, Ilk-smeet!"

**-DMoSD-**

Now she understood why most people disliked Irkens. They were self-centered and thought only about themselves. It didn't apply only to Zim, though. She had witnessed some taller students often picking on shorter ones, Larb and his companions being amongst the main groups. Not all were jerks, some of the short Irkens such as Skoodge were nice. Bob was more in-between, but given his particular shortness, it's hard to blame him for being on edge all the time.

After dinner, Ilk made her way back to the dorm alongside Poot and Zee. She was still somewhat fuming about the argument with Zim. Usually, she wasn't one to hold a grudge. But it infuriated her that Zim refused to admit that he had done wrong in grabbing someone else's stuff.

"Don't feel bad; he does look rather self-centered. Why else would he talk in the third person?"

"Speaking of which, how did it go with the Headmasters?" Poot inquired, changing the topic.

Ilk sighed. "Well, only Headmaster Red was there, but he was nice. He said he'd see what he could do, but I'm not sure if he was serious about it." As they entered the bedroom, Kuna stood on her mistress's head.

"_Mistress, there's something on your bed_." The ferret pointed to the mattress with a paw, where a small red envelope lay on top of it.

"It must be from the Headmaster. It's red." Zee said.

Ilk warily grabbed the envelope, opened it, and slid the piece of parchment out. It was written in bright crimson ink, which meant Headmaster Red had written it.

_Miss Nar_

_I'm happy to inform you that Professor Mei has agreed to open up space in her class for you. Go to classroom 205 tomorrow for class. _

_P.S. If you need anything else, don't hesitate to seek me out. _

_Yours sincerely, Headmaster Red. _

Ilk gulped the lump in her throat. He…!, "I can't believe it, he…!" She laughed. "He put me in Alchemy!" Zee and Poot gasped.

"He did? Sweet Irk! Headmaster Red must _really_ like you!"

Ilk's only response was to bury her face in her pillow to muffle the happy yell.

She failed to notice a crimson snake peeking at her through the window with sharp golden eyes before disappearing into the night.

* * *

**Man, looks like Zim and Ilk had a rather... rocky start. Then again, it's not easy being friends with Zim, as Skoodge and Bob can attest. **

**In this AU, the HTTYD dragons were based on dragon species, but unlike in the films, they can't be trained and they don't have the dog or horse-like behavior. They're more like the dragons in Game of Thrones in terms of behavior. They can't be really tamed, though maybe it's good for humanity, I mean, come on: ZIM on a dragon? **

**See a next time!**


	11. Return of the Dib

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 11- Return of the Dib**

* * *

In all the history of magic, there's never been a case in which a memory charm failed. There are times in which a badly-performed spell permanently sent people to the Magical Mishaps Department of the hospital. Still, there were no cases of the charm failing to wipe a no-maj's memory. Because of this, Red and Purple didn't bother to check if the big-headed human had indeed forgotten all the magical phenomena he saw.

This proved to be a fatal mistake, as Dib awoke with his memories intact. The discovery that he was right all along about the conspiracy to hide magic from the world not only re-ignited Dib's passion and interest in magic. It also gave him a reason to keep looking into the matter.

As soon as he got home, he made notes and sketches of the things he witnessed and the Irken wizards, especially the one named Zim. He spent so much time making theories that he didn't realize he had spent three days inside his room without taking a bath until he heard a knock on the door, and Gaz's irritated voice brought him out of his frenzy.

"Dib, get a bath already! I can smell your stench all the way to the living room, and I can't eat my pizza!"

Oops. Sometimes he forgot to bathe while working.

"Gaz, I was right! _Right_!" Dib opened his door and held his awful doodle of Zim and the other Irkens so Gaz could see it. "Magic exists, and that's not the best part! I encountered real wizards!"

"_Irken_ wizards?" Gaz inquired, not really interested. "Those guys don't look like they'd even believe such a human concept."

"That's what they want us to believe, but I'm telling you! I entered the café, the _Green Faerie_, and it turns out it has another secret area for magical people!" Gaz raised an eyebrow.

"_Green Faerie_? That's where Dad gets his afternoon and evening snacks."

"The establishment is run by a witch or someone related to the magical world if it has an area exclusive for those people!"

"Whatever."

At school, Dib spent most of his time making even more doodles or writing down all his theories on his math notebook. He didn't use it, as his photographic memory made learning a piece of cake. Besides, he had his father's superior IQ even if it was 'wasted by his interest in para-science,' as his father put it. After school, he went back home to get his camera and a good disguise: the mustache, big nose, and glasses from last year's Halloween and a red cap to hide his scythe hair.

Dib's house was, surprisingly, in the less urban part of the city to avoid the media and paparazzi. This is because Professor Membrane sought to give his kids as much of a normal childhood as possible. Because of this, nobody knows his address except for a few, trusted workers. Luckily, it wasn't that far from the _Green Faerie_.

Dib hesitated for a minute as he turned the knob and walked into the café. The Faery at the display didn't seem to recognize him. He skipped to the bathroom corridor as she got distracted with another customer. Much like before, he waited in one of the restrooms until a witch arrived and took out their wands. Once they cast the spell, he had to quickly stop the door from closing and step inside before the spell faded. The place wasn't as crowded at this time of the day, so Dib found it easier to sneak around and hide under one of the unoccupied tables before the wallaby could spot him. Man, if health inspectors saw an animal serving food…

Dib snuck into a corridor that led into a big living room decorated in Irken colors except for a wide fireplace that wasn't lit up. There wasn't any wood in it at all.

To his astonishment, green flames flared in the fireplace, and a planet jacker stepped out of it, completely unscathed.

"Welcome to the _Green Faerie_, sir!" A short, plump Irkenette greeted the customer warmly. "Table for one?"

"Yes, Irken lady. Table for myself away from the railing."

"Please step outside, and my familiar will take you to your- oh!" Dib froze as the Irkenette spotted him and came closer. "Do you need help, young man?" She didn't seem to recognize him… No, she hadn't been here that night.

"Um, sort of. I was staring at the chimney and..."

"I see. It's your first time using the floo network?"

"Yeah! My dad didn't explain it to me at all."

"Now, that's not good! It's basic wizarding knowledge! Here, I'll show you." The Irken placed him inside the chimney. Dib felt a shiver down his spine. He had never been fond of dirtiness. "It's straightforward. All you have to do is speak the desired fireplace you wish to go, very clearly! If you mispronounce it, you could end up elsewhere."

"Yeah, so I've heard!" Dib laughed nervously. The Irkenette held up a pot with black powder.

"Here, you take a handful, speak the place loud and clear, throw the powder, and done!" Dib took a deep breath. This was it! His first time using real magic! Okay, which place… Oh. He had no idea of which sites could be reached through this. Then he remembered the three Irkens from before mentioning a school.

"Irken magic school!"

He threw the powder into the floor.

* * *

"I hate History of Magic."

"Me too."

"Me three," Bob placed his ridiculously thick copy of _History of Magic _on the cafeteria table. "I used to think that Skrang was the most boring Professor, but Spork takes the cake!"

"How did Tak and Ilk even stay awake the whole time?!" Skoodge shrugged.

"Guess they must have a trick under their sleeve."

Zim yawned and rubbed his eyes before letting his head fall onto the table, half-dozing. GIR was in a similar position, having curled up on Zim's now-empty lunch tray.

Spork's class is rather unpopular amongst Irkharth students, mostly because no magic is used and is practically the closest thing to a typical no-maj class. It merely consists of lectures on the history of wizards and the magical world', with emphasis on dates, names, and events. Spork has a wheezy, droning voice guaranteed to cause severe drowsiness within ten minutes. The lesson plan involves Spork reciting (or droning, as many put it) lectures to the students, seemingly without minding (or even noticing) that his students didn't pay attention or slept through class. So far, the only ones that can resist the soporific power of Spork's voice are Tak and Ilk.

"How do you think they do it?"

"Either they are immune to the 'Spork Effect,' or they have a trick. We should ask them sometime. Oh, here comes Ilk. Ilk, how do you manage to stay awake during class?"

"Awakening brew," Ilk explained, noticing Zim was sleeping on the table. She frowned lightly. "By the way, be careful of where you leave your stuff, or _somebody_ might pick it and claim it as theirs." that said, Ilk went to join her roommates at a nearby table. Skoodge and Bob exchanged glances and looked at Zim.

"What do you think he did to make Ilk mad at him?" Skoodge wondered, to which Bob shrugged.

"Well, it's Zim we're talking about. There are so many things he might have done that I wouldn't know where to begin."

"Anyway, we should wake him up. The next class starts in fifteen minutes."

It turns out they didn't have to. Out of nowhere, a SIR emitted a high-pitched sound that might not have been heard by a human, but it hurt the Irkens' sensitive lekku. Zim awoke with a start, losing balance on his chair and falling back. Biting his lip to contain a painful yelp, Zim glared at the SIR as it made an announcement.

"**All students return to your dormitories until further notice**." Bob quietly made a relieved, happy gesture.

"Why?" One student inquired.

"**I'm not authorized to give you that information, miss.**"

Though doubtful, the students did as told and slowly cleared out the cafeteria. Older students had a feeling as to what was going on, but first years were murmuring amongst themselves, making theories as to what happened.

"What if there's a problem?" Skoodge pointed out on the way to the dormitory.

"They would have told us outright, wouldn't they?"

"That would create panic."

"I know! Why don't we go aid the Headmasters in whatever is going on?" Skoodge and Bob looked at Zim. He had one of his famous grins on his face. "That way, we can get into good graces with the Professors!"

"I'm not sure we should get involved. I mean, we're already in the 'blacklist' for skipping detention and leading a no-maj human into a magical establishment."

"What better way to get out of it than proving we're up to the task of helping with a crisis?"

Tak stopped right at the corridor leading to the girls' dormitories upon hearing Zim's rambling and looked at them with a scolding frown, _Mimi _giving them a similar gesture.

"I shouldn't be doing this, but I'll give you some friendly advice: stay out of this." she said.

"Mind your own business, Tak!" Zim snapped at her. "We don't need any advice from _you_! Right, guys?"

Skoodge's only response was a love-struck sigh while Bob turned away and whistled absentmindedly.

"_Your_ intromission will only make things worse. You should let the Professors handle whatever's going on instead of rushing in and wreaking havoc," Tak went on. "It's bad enough that you led a muggle to a magical establishment and nearly exposed our world. You're lucky the Headmasters were there to fix the problem _you_ caused, otherwise the magic world would be in serious trouble. So why don't you make us all a favor and follow your own advice to mind your own business?"

Her point made, Tak turned around on her heels and disappeared down the corridor, _Mimi _swiftly trailing her mistress.

A pin could have fallen to the floor and echoed for miles away. Zim stood there, his fists clenched, and his body was trembling as he glared in the direction Tak just left. Just who did she think she was? How dare she talk to him like that?!

Most Irkens, or at least a smart one, would have probably listened to Tak and leave such severe matters in the Professor's hands. But unfortunately, Zim is not like most Irkens, and he certainly isn't that smart either, especially if it involves his wounded pride.

Ignoring Bob and Skoodge, he grabbed GIR by the tail and sprinted towards the Headmasters' office.

* * *

Okay, things didn't exactly go according to plan. After being surrounded by green flames for a few seconds (admittedly, it's nice to stand in a fire and remain unscathed), he appeared in a different place. It looked like a castle decorated in pinks, mauves, and purples, which means Irkens inhabit the building. He then proceeded to take a look around the place: it surely had a magical feeling to it. It must be a magical teaching institution.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten that he wasn't supposed to be there. A few minutes of exploration later, he ran into an adult Irkenette who wore a pointed hat and dark cyan robes. Dib couldn't contain himself and cried 'witch!' loudly while pointing at her. This seemed to make her realize he was a non-magical person (or maybe because he was a human); her face went pale, and she dropped the cup she was holding, spilling brown tea unto the marble floor. Dib took that as his cue to run.

He eventually found a hideout in one of the higher levels of the castle: a neatly organized office decorated in red and purple. Dib quickly dived under the desk as he heard footsteps in the corridor outside. He barely got to crawl under it just as the door burst open.

"Headmasters, Zim has come to offer assistance!" That voice…! A loud meowing followed soon after. It must be the black cat! "Silence!" Wait, the Irken understood what it said? Must be animal translating magic of some sort. "Surely they'll come back! We just have to wait for them." Dib silently took a peek. Yes, it was the Irken he had met in the city.

The cat's gaze met his: with a yelp, Dib quickly retreated back into his hideout, but it was too late. The familiar had seen him. Before he knew it, there was a black fuzz ball clinging to his face. Dib recoiled and screamed, trying to get the claws off his face, inadvertently rolling out of hiding. All the while, the cat familiar meowed loudly as if he were yelling.

"Aha! Good job, GIR! You found the intruder!" Zim laughed as said intruder, a hyooman, was brought out of his hiding spot. "Filthy hyooman, how dare you defile my Headmasters' desk with your non-magical presence!"

"Get off!" Dib finally managed to throw GIR off towards one of the shelves, knocking books off in the process. As GIR fell on top of one, he distracted himself by making small origami with pages he ripped off. Dib got to his feet, panting heavily as he rubbed the scratch marks across his face. "What the hell is wrong with that cat?!"

Z im raised his lekku. That giant head and scythe hair! "Hey, wait a minute, you're the Dib-stink!"

"That's right, Zim! And now that I've seen where this place is, I can bring the press and all the media, so everyone will know that I was right!"

"But wait, how do you even remember Zim? Headmaster Red obliviated you!"

Dib blinked, tilting his head to the side. "Oblivi-what?"

"He wiped your memory! You're supposed to be in a hyooman nuthouse!" Zim took out his wand. "Whatever, Zim shall finish the job!"

Dib thanked the quick reflexes he got from his mother's side of the family. When Zim started shooting from fireballs to bursts of gravity force from his wand, Dib rolled out of the way and ran around the room, using whatever he could to block the attacks. One of the fireballs exploded against a bookshelf, sending charred papers and tomes flying.

A few minutes later, the previously clean and neatly-organized office was a mess. There were burn marks on walls and carpets, half the books were incinerated to a crisp, and decorations had been knocked over and broken. Even the desk wasn't safe from becoming collateral damage, as it was split in half by Zim's gravity outburst, hitting a few things out of the drawers.

Zim soon lost patience and resorted to directly attacking Dib; both rolled on the ground, trying to kick the other off with little success, inadvertently knocking more stuff over. GIR joined soon after if only because he found it funny.

It wasn't until the doors burst open and someone cried out in shock that they came to an abrupt halt and saw none other than the Headmasters themselves standing in the doorway. Both were staring at the scene, eyes wide and jaws hanging open. Zim took advantage of the distraction to kick Dib off and stand on top of him, puffing out his chest proudly.

"Headmasters, Zim has caught the intruder!"

**-DMoSD-**

Today is not their day. First, they run out of cinnamon doughnuts with cream filling. Then they get informed that a no-maj somehow snuck into the school grounds, something which could ruin their careers. Now _this_: their office vandalized by none other than Zim and the shortie expecting to get praised for it.

Well, they'd deal with him later. Red had Kheron coil around Dib and held him in place again to keep him from escaping. Purple had his own snake, Nerok, do the same with Zim(in this case to keep him from breaking anything else).

"Headmasters, I think there's been a misunderstanding. The Dib-stink is the intruder, not Zim!" he had protested.

"Considering that you came into our office and _vandalized_ it when we weren't here, you meet the qualifications of an intruder as well," Red said dryly.

"Will you tell your pet to loosen up? I can't breathe!" Dib complained.

Purple leaned in closer to the boy. He recognized him from _the Green Faerie_, but how did he get here? On closer inspection, he noted the hyooman didn't look in awe, nor was he looking around wondering where he was; he was staring right at them. It's almost as if the boy knew who they were.

"Red?"

"What is it?"

"Didn't you obliviate him?"

"I did! You were there, you saw me do it!"

"I think something went wrong. The big-headed hyooman seems to remember us."

"My head is not big!" Dib snapped. "And yes, I remember you, so whatever memory altering spell you cast on me didn't work!"

"I can see that, kid," Red said. This was strange, why didn't the memory charm work? He had cast it many times in the past on no-maj people, and it had never failed. What did this kid have that it didn't work? Was it because of his abnormal head?

"Let me try it." Purple pointed his wand at Dib and cast _Obliviate_. Dib merely blinked.

"You guys are slow to learn, aren't you?"

"What on Irk?! Why didn't it work?" Purple was about to try again when Red grabbed his arm.

"Wait. If we cast it too many times, we might end up causing the kid brain damage. And if the Magic Council finds out about that…" He trailed off, leaving his thought unfinished but clear.

"What do we do then? We can't let him go like this, or he'll rat us out! And _that_'s even worse than damaging his brain! How about we turn him in-?"

"Are you nuts? If the council finds out a no-maj kid snuck into Irkharth under _our_ watch, who do you think they're going to rake over the coals?!"

Before they could argue, they heard a loud bang and a cry of pain. Red and Purple quickly looked over to the hyooman. His head was hanging on one side, and his tongue was dangling to one side, his eyes unfocused. Zim's familiar was on top of his head, holding a frying pan (where does the cat get stuff out of the blue?)in his paws. They noted swelling on the boy's big head.

"Who wants to hit the piñata?" GIR chirped.

Zim laughed. "Ha! Good job, GIR! I ordered him to knock the Dib-stink out!"

"No, you didn't."

"Silence!"

Well, at least that solved a part of the problem. They had no idea where the boy lived to send him there.

"Kheron, Nerok. Go leave the boy in a park or something, but don't let anyone see you." Red ordered. Usually, familiars didn't obey anyone that wasn't their own master. However, Purple and Red were so close that their respective snakes would listen to the other.

"_Yes, master_," Kheron said, though Red only heard a hiss from his co-Headmaster's familiar, and the two grabbed Dib by the arms with their fangs. They spread out their long wings and flew out of the window with the boy's limp body.

"Okay, one problem was taken care of." Red furrowed his brows as he saw the burn marks on his wall before his gaze fixed on Zim, who was stretching out from being held by Nerok for so long. "Now, to take care of the other…"

* * *

Kheron and Nerok flew towards the city and a park, looking for a thorny bush to drop the boy in. Being extensions of Red and Purple's souls, they had certain habits from them, such as their fondness of laughing at people getting hurt or snacks. Eventually, they came across a garbage can with raclooshes in it. They decided to drop him there before returning to Irkharth.

The awful smell got into Dib's nostrils, sending alerts to his brain to get away from the source as soon as possible, bringing him out of unconsciousness. Dib quickly crawled out of the garbage can, gasping for clean air and shaking off one of the raclooshes from his leg. Damn it, once he gets home, he's going to have a _very_ long bath and get vaccines against rabies.

As soon as he arrived at his house, he ran straight to his computer and uploaded the pictures he snapped with the mini camera he installed in his glasses. Damn it, most of these were blurry, but he could make it work! He had good shots of the flying snakes, the castle, and the Irken wizards. They must be more than enough.

Dib printed the photos and headed downstairs to his father's lab, where he found Professor Membrane working on yet another invention. What was it this time? A robot to end world hunger… that would be nice, but now's not the time for that. These are the few times Dad comes home early to work on something, and the only times Dib Can get to talk to him alone.

"Dad!" Dib cried out as soon as he crossed the doorway, rapidly waving the photos in the air while tugging unto his father's coat. "I went to a wizard school! I have proof-!"

Professor Membrane shushed his son. "Not now, son. I'm making…" he briefly turned back to his working table, shocked something with an electric tool, and then held up the item he was working on. "Super toast!"

"Dad, listen, I went back to the _Green Faerie_'s magical area and teleported myself to a wizarding school! I met wizards and magical animals!"

"Ah, so you went to take a look at the new fantasycon? I admit they are so good with their behind-the-scenes tricks and costumes that one _almost_ believes they use actual magic."

"What? No, dad! It was a real magic school, with Irken wizards and witches and everything!"

The scientist laughed. "Oh, Dib, we both know that the words magic and Irkens are never used in the same sentence. They have evolved to a point where they have completely discarded all notions of 'magic' and superstition. It's pretty admirable, in my opinion."

"Here!" Dib held up the photos of the two tall Irkens clad in crimson and violet robes. "These two are wearing pointy hats and robes?! Don't you find it odd?!"

Professor Membrane rubbed his chin. "Though perhaps I have the wrong idea…"

"Yes, that's right! They are-"

"I wonder if it's a new fashion trend in the Irken Empire. They do have the habit of taking cultural tidbits from other races and adapting it to their own. Just like mayonnaise food!"

Dib's stomach sunk. "But what about the winged snakes?! They got wings and horns and-!"

"It's evident they are pet animatronics, son. They are very common amongst their kind because they don't get things dirty like real pets." Professor Membrane's communicator rung. "Oh, I have to go, son! I have a meeting with the Vortians over the new partnership between Membrane Labs and Research Lab 9! Don't wait for me for dinner!"

Dib just stood there, agape, as his father dismissed all his evidence for the hundredth time and left the laboratory. Then again, part of him wasn't surprised. Dad was a prominent scientific figure, and as a man of science, he discarded or deboned anything related to the supernatural and magic. Trying to convince him that it was real was like trying to convince a rock to sprout legs and walk.

But he wouldn't give up. One day he'd show him; he'd show _everyone_ that magic was real.


	12. Detentions and Dragons

**Hey there, everybody! How's the quarantine treating you? Cause I'm officially about to go NUTS! The contagious rate in my town is PRETTY high because people don't seem to care about it and it seems the quarantine will last a bit more, plus there's a curfew at 6 pm. It's official, 2020 it's the WORST year ever. **

**Anyhow, here's the next chapter. We'll get to see a bit more of some students and we'll be introduced to some new characters. **

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 12- Detentions and Dragons**

* * *

Other than the little incident with the hyooman, nothing exciting happened for the rest of the week. The Headmasters announced they had taken care of the issue and classes continued as if nothing had happened. Sadly they couldn't stop the rumors from spreading out, and within hours everyone was talking about the hyooman and of Zim destroying the office.

Speaking of Zim, the 'act of vandalizing the Headmasters' office' and disobeying a direct order added yet another week of detention to his current sentence. This meant he'd have to scrub pots for far longer than his roommates. Additionally, he had to write 500 times 'I must not go into the Headmasters' office without permission' and 'I must not use destructive spells inside the school' into a long piece of parchment.

Zim, of course, didn't understand why he was being punished. He was the one who caught the hyooman! Shouldn't they be praising him for that? Then again, perhaps the Headmasters couldn't show any favoritism, and so they decided to tone down his punishment to show their appreciation. Yeah, that must be it! This thought cheered him up considerably to the point he happily scrubbed the pots in the kitchen.

As October arrived, the leaves of the Mauvir tree in the central courtyard changed into a deep shade of bluish purple. Unlike earthen trees and plantlife, Irken plants don't lose their leaves when the temperature drops. Instead, they change color and turn into dormant buds, which will bloom into flowers in spring. This specimen, in particular, is over fifty Irk years old (500 human years) and is one of Irkharth's trademark symbols and a reminder of the Irkens' homeworld.

One thing that Irkens curiously share with humans is of particular importance on October 31. Not 'Halloween,' but an Irken Holiday known as 'Probing Day*****.' Back on Irk, the Tallest check on Invaders' progress and quality controls are strictly made on smeetieries, engineering facilities, and mostly all assets of the Irken Empire. Irkens living on Earth have it more comfortable, as it's a neutral planet, and the Empire's hold is far weaker. The Irken Ambassador and taller authorities make sure all registered Irkens living on Earth are being productive. Those who are not are taken back to Irk for an Existence Evaluation.

For the Irkens in the magical world, this is done by the High Council of Irken Magic, composed of three elderly, but powerful and tall Irkens, heads of the Irken Magical Congress (or _IRKMAC_, for short), in charge of maintaining order within the Irken magical community. Each species has its own Magical Congress, but for now, we'll go back to the _IRKMAC_.

On Probing Day, the High Council sends qualified examiners to Irkharth to see how well it's faring under its current Headmasters. Naturally, this put Red and Purple on edge. That week they were constantly peeking at classes to check on students' progress, told the SIRs to gather the best ingredients for dinner, and clean everything up to properly welcome the examiners. Even the teachers were stressed out about the visit; a wrong impression on the examiners could cost them their jobs. They were less tolerant of students' slacking off or causing trouble, and many were given extra homework or sent to detention for something as simple as yawning or throwing a paper ball.

Unfortunately, not everyone was taking it seriously.

* * *

"Sugar, spice, and everything nice!"

GIR added a few extra ingredients to Zim's cauldron: cheddar cheese and chili pepper, then stirred the resulting pink liquid into a giant, sticky bubble. Zim was coming back from getting mushrooms when he realized what his familiar was doing.

"GIR, stop!" He dropped his ingredients and rushed back to the table, but it was too late.

The bubble exploded, sending slimy pink liquid flying all over the counter. Being the closest to the source, Zim and GIR had turned into pink versions of their former selves. The latter didn't seem to mind and started licking the substance of his body.

Naturally, this incident drew the attention of none other than Professor Sizz-Lorr.

"Zim, keep wasting ingredients, and I'm sending you to get more graphorn horns!"

"You should stop adding the wrong things," Skoodge whispered hurriedly once Sizz-Lorr turned away.

"It wasn't me; it was GIR!" Zim glared irritatedly at his familiar.

"But that's how you get it to taste good!" That said, GIR licked the liquid off Zim's face, much to the latter's chagrin.

An amused chuckle drove Zim's gaze to the table to their left, where he found Stink with his roommates Grapa and Spleen. There was a cocky smirk on the first one's face as he glanced at Zim.

Stink Mag'ok is Irkharth's resident troublemaker. He never pays attention in class and is often behind pranks aimed at students _and _professors alike. Last week he pranked _Headmaster Red _by adding chili into his slushie. He was given a few weeks of detention, but in Stink's opinion, the look on the Headmaster's face was worth it.*****

Zim wasn't going to stand by while he was being mocked. He had learned from the experience with Larb and his cronies.

"How dare you laugh at Zim?!"

"It's hard not to, considering you're always making a fool of yourself," Stink retorted. "You can't even keep up with the rest of us, so why bother? You can't even fly a broom without becoming a laughing stock."

"You're the one who can't keep up!" Zim snapped.

Stink merely put his feet on the table and leaned back.

"Wow, good one," he said sarcastically, turning his head away. "You yell like an annoying little human."

Zim could more-or-less tolerate most insults, but being compared to a puny, inferior hyooman was too much. In a sudden display of childish immaturity, Zim pushed Stink's chair, causing him to lose his balance and fell to the floor with a surprised yell. Once he recovered from the fall, Stink glared up at Zim.

"What is wrong with you?!"

"Zim just fixed your bad behavior, Stink-beast!"

Stink stood to his full height and straightened his lekku, the Irken threatening posture, meant to rub their height into their rival's faces.

"I don't want to hear about bad behavior from _you_!" He spat.

He was inches taller than Zim, so the posture would have worked wonders if it weren't for the fact that Zim didn't hold the same importance on height than Irkens usually have. Since he didn't grow up with his kind, he was never appropriately educated on it.

"You only hate me because I'm a better wizard!"

"You? HA! A blind hobo would be a better wizard than you!"

"Take that back!"

The argument escalated into a physical altercation as both Irkens grabbed the other by the shoulders and tried to shove each other to the ground, yelling and swearing as they exchanged hisses and screeches. Neither realized they had pushed a nearby table, causing a few berries to fall into one of the cauldrons.

Mixing random ingredients or adding a foreign substance to a formula has different consequences, depending on the items. In this case, mixing crimson wild berries with cat toenails and bleeding hearts caused a big smoke explosion inside the classroom. It knocked off the things on top of it as well as the students occupying it.

The condition called the attention of Sizz-Lorr and the rest of the classroom. Before the former could reverse the damage, Tak got ahead of him, shouting _Immobulus_ and pointing her wand at the ceiling. All the flying debris and smoke instantly froze mid-air. Tak waved her wand, this time casting _Reparo_, and all the broken pieces flew back to the table and re-shaped into the cauldron, vials, and ingredients as if nothing had happened.

The other students, Larb in particular, praised and cheered for Tak but she ignored them and instead frowned at Zim and Stink sternly, crossing her arms.

"Can the two of you stop disrupting the class with your childish fight? There's people here who actually _want_ to learn." she scolded like an older sister calling out on her younger siblings.

Zim and Stink didn't take it kindly. While they might not get along, the two Irkens had something in common: they disliked Tak. Before either could respond, though, heavy footsteps from behind made them freeze in place.

"You two!" Sizz-Lorr yelled, glaring down at both Zim and Stink, flattening his lekku against his small head. He seemed to be giving off a dark aura, making him look even scarier than usual. "Perhaps I wasn't clear enough the last time I warned you."

"He started it!" Zim and Stink shouted simultaneously, pointing at each other.

"I don't care who started it, the two of you are going to detention!"

"B-But Professor, there's a party tonight!" Zim protested.

"Well, you will NOT attend! The school is being evaluated, and the last thing we need is you two causing trouble!"

As Sizz-Lorr sent the two back to their seats, they glared at Tak as she spoke one more time.

"Perhaps the two of you can figure out who is more childish while carrying out detention."

* * *

The dining hall was thoroughly cleaned and decorated by the SIRs. The tables were cleared out except for a few accommodated in a line, displaying a buffet complete with plates and utensils. Meanwhile, the SIRs were adding some last touches in the entrance, ironing the velvet carpet, and accommodating the students on the sides in rows.

"Red, I'm nervous."

"You've told me that about ten times, Pur," Red retorted, though he was just as concerned as his vice-Headmaster. He continually glanced at the clock on the wall. _17:15_. Damn it, five minutes until they arrive!

"What if they fail us?" Purple spoke in-between munching handfuls of fries. It was a habit of his when he was nervous, making it hard to understand anything he said. "I don't want to lose my job!"

"You think I do?"

"H-Headmasters!" Professor Lena hurried down the hall. "They are here!"

Red took a deep, gently pressing the top of his wand to his throat to raise the volume of his voice.

"All of you, remember to be on your best behavior tonight. Whoever ruins this inspection will earn a one-way ticket to detention for three months!"

"And you're not getting any doughnuts!" Purple added quickly.

The SIRs stationed near the doorway started playing their instruments just as the doors were pushed open.

The students went stiff and into formal positions: puffed out chests, hands behind their backs, lekku half-raised, and eyes closed. Ilk, who was amongst the front rows, couldn't help herself and opened an eye slightly.

Three tall Irkens, taller even than the Headmasters, strode down the carpet, each wearing mauve and pink robes. The two at the sides had matching eyes and flowing capes, but the third one's were closed, and he moved via wheelchair, which was pushed by a shorter Irken. Ilk calculated he was about her age, maybe older by a year or two.

"Oh, my, he's so tall and handsome!" she heard Poot squeal next to her.

"That must be Dren***** Harken, grandson of Tallest Archmage James!"

"Welcome to Irkharth, councilors!" Headmaster Red greeted the newcomers. Ilk couldn't help but notice a small hint of apprehension in his voice. "It's so nice to see you!"

"Yeah, very nice!" Headmaster Purple added.

One of the Irkens, a female slightly older than the Headmasters, nodded her head.

"Reddok, Purpurous*****. It's been a while. I haven't seen you since your ascension ceremony." she said.

"Indeed, miss Flik! Did you curl your lekku? It looks very nice!"

"All Irkenettes have curled lekku, Reddok," the other Tallest Mage, this one a male, said matter of factly. "I suppose you know why we are here."

The reception was surprisingly lively. Ilk joined her roommates at the buffet table and served herself a generous portion of goldcherry pie and marinated octorok. Every now and then she'd glance towards the table where the Headmasters sat with the examiners, noting that they seemed to be in the middle of a pleasant conversation.

Ilk twitched her lekku as she heard two familiar voices further down the buffet table. She saw Skoodge and Bob, along with their respective familiars, serving themselves some cupcakes. But there was no sign of Zim or GIR anywhere.

"Hey, guys, where's Zim?" she inquired.

"Detention," Bob said bluntly, chewing on some bacon. "Got into a fight with Stink during Potions. I'm surprised they made it out of the classroom in one piece."

"You gotta admit that Stink started it," Skoodge pointed out.

"Well, it's _Stink_ we're talking about. He was baiting Zim and he fell for it. Then again, we're talking about _Zim_; he gets mad at flies just for landing on his head."

"You mean Zim is alone with _Stink_?" Ilk felt a shiver down her spine. "That ought to end badly."

* * *

_Stupid Stink, it's all his fault! Curse you, Stink! Curse youuu!_

Such thoughts constantly replayed in Zim's mind as he sat in the front desk, glaring sideways to where Stink sat with a similar expression. Both were the only ones who got grounded that day, so the classroom was mostly empty except for them and Professor Sizz-lorr. Meanwhile, everyone else was having fun and eating tasty food at the party.

Professor Sizz-Lorr didn't look happy to be missing the party either. He hadn't spoken to them yet; he had just come in, told them to be quiet for the next two hours, and sat at the teacher's desk to read the newspaper.

"Look, master, I made you a paper piggie!" GIR held up a crumpled piece of pink paper with two black dots in front of Zim's face, attempting to make him feel better.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks," the only reason Zim bothered to accept the paper was to keep GIR from wailing and prompting Sizz-Lorr to make their experience even more unpleasant.

"Aww, don't be sad! Look who's here to cheer you up!"

"GIR, lower your voice, would-?" Zim panicked as he saw the item his familiar held in his paws: Mr. Scales.

Looking around, he quickly pulled the stuffed dragon under the desk before anyone could see it. If Stink saw him with a doll, he'd probably spread the word out, and Zim would never hear the end of it.

Unfortunately for him, Stink _did_ catch a glimpse of his stuffed dragon and was formulating a plan to get even. It's a good thing he had brought the bottle; he had been saving it for the trophy animals in the _DADA _classroom, but this was even better. Subtly, the troublemaker took out a small purple vial from his pocket and peered down under the table. His fox***** familiar, Vern, lifted its head from its paws, recognizing the look on its master's face.

"Vern, I got a job for you."

Zim was so focused on keeping GIR silent and content, and cursing Stink, that he didn't notice the latter's familiar sneaking towards his desk and pouring a small drop of potion on Mr. Scales. The fox scurried away just as the stuffed dragon released a puff of smoke and acquired a pinkish hue. A few seconds later, its button eyes blinked, and it got to its feet, stretching out its tiny wings with a small, cute roar.

GIR looked under the table and waved a paw. "Hi, Mr. Scales!"

"GIR, knock it off!" Zim joined in to further scold his cat, but froze as he saw his stuffed dragon moving and… breathing? Is that even possible for a doll with no organs?

Awe and excitement overruled any caution Zim might have felt over Mr. Scales becoming alive out of nowhere. Crawling under the table, he stared down at his plush with a big grin. Mr. Scales looked up at him and tilted his head to the side.

"Hey, Mr. Scales! It is I, Zim!" No response. Zim spread out his arms. "Now, come to your master!" He expected the small dragon to jump into his embrace, but instead, it opened its mouth and dug tiny teeth (where did those come from?) into his left hand.

Sizz-lorr growled as he heard a yell from Zim, but as he lowered the newspaper to tell him to be quiet, he saw the small Irken rolling on the ground.

"Zim, what on Irk are you doing?!"

"MY ARM! AAAHH, MY BEAUTIFUL ARM!" Zim yelled, ignoring Professor Sizz-lorr completely. GIR yelled along, though in his case he was merely mimicking his master.

Sizz-lorr realized something was biting unto Zim's arm. Is that a dragon? How on Irk did Zim get a dragon without anyone noticing? If the examiners find out such a creature in the hands of a student, it will harm the Headmasters' examinations… Good!

Meanwhile, Stink was laughing his squeedly-spooch out alongside Vern to the point the prankster fell off his chair and rolled onto the floor, clutching his stomach.

Resuming what happened next: Sizz-Lorr tried to catch the stuffed dragon, but Zim managed to throw it off, inadvertently aiming right at the larger Irken's head. Mr. Scales bit into Sizz-Lorr's lekku. After finally getting it to let go, Sizz-Lorr threw it against the wall. Both he and Zim chased Mr. Scales around the classroom, yelling and calling after it, but the stuffed dragon was quicker, and his smaller size made it harder to catch it. Just as Sizz-Lorr nearly grabbed its tail, he inadvertently stepped unto Vern's tail, prompting the fox to bite unto his leg in retaliation. Zim, on the other hand, tripped with Stink and fell on top of him.

"Get off me, you idiot!"

"How dare you get in Zim's way?!"

"Me?! You're the one who just crushed my squeedly-spooch with your foot!"

"Mag'ok, get your familiar off me or I will crush more than your squeedly-spooch!"

None of them noticed Mr. Scaled slipping out of the classroom. Well, GIR did, but his only course of action was to wave a paw at it and go back to eating Sizz-Lorr's newspaper.

* * *

***What do you think? I managed to introduce the Probing Day into this fic. In the Magical World, this means that magical schools get inspected to see if the Headmasters and teachers are doing a good job.**

***I made Invader Stink Irkharth's resident troublemaker student, even more than Zim. The main difference is that Stink actually _acknowledges_ that what he does causes trouble and he _enjoys. _He's not going to be mean to Zim _forever_, though.**

***Well, look who it is! It's dear ol' Dren from _Shades of Purple_!**

***Those are the names I picked for the Tallest' in this AU. They are called this by most people who know them, only those close to them(apart from each other) may call them Red and Purple.**

***The reason I made Stink's familiar a fox is to refer to his mischievous, but cunning and sharp mind, traits that are often attributed to foxes. **

**This whole part was, admittedly, heavily based on a _Little Witch Academia_ episode, but it has some _Harry Potter_ additions too. **


	13. Councillor Finnel

**Hello, everyone! As you know, some new characters were introduced in the previous chapter, particularly Dren from _Shades of Purple_. He'll have a recurring role in the fic as a sort of ally to the Zimketeers, particularly a certain Irkenette.**

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 13- Councillor Finnel**

* * *

So far, the examiners didn't seem to be displeased, so Red and Purple got to relax a bit. It was a good thing because they were hungry and wished to enjoy their meal. The main course consisted of sauteed Akata filet imported from Sobr accompanied by mashed Vort dogs and curly fries. The former piece of meat was costly, and they saved it for situations such as these.

Good thing that they were acquainted with this year's examiners: Trina Flik and Mauven Zarkta. They were two years above them back during their student days. It's hard to keep track of your former classmates unless you are very close _or_ lived together.

The only instances in which a whole class can get together again is in homecomings. Red and Purple had attended theirs alongside the rest of their class, and the older grades, sharing stories of what they had done after graduation, their current jobs, and their family if they had any, were shared.

Red, in particular, remembered the homecoming rather fondly. He got to rub not only his recent ascension to Almighty Tallest Mage but also the fact that he and his wife were expecting a smeet, into his shorter classmates' faces. Sure, there were more successful people, such as Trina and Mauven, but he didn't complain. He was happy with his life at the time.

At least he was before his wife… And then his smeet...

"Well, nothing exploded so far, so you two seem to be doing good," Trina said, skewering her salad with a fork, bringing Red back from memory lane. "Even though we have heard some rumors."

Purple gagged with his fries. He quickly took a long sip of wine. "R-Rumors?" _Please, not about what happened at the café, not that!_

"A no-maj hyooman somehow managed to get past a glamour camouflage barrier and into _The Green Faerie's_ magical area," Mauven said. "Do you happen to know about that?"

"We were unfortunate enough to be present when it happened," Red said calmly, though truthfully, he was terrified. Still, someone needed to have a cool head, considering Purple was already serving himself his third ration of vort dogs, a clear sign that he was panicking. "Indeed, that boy somehow got past the barrier, but you don't have to worry about him. I personally cast the memory charm on him."

He decided to omit the part about the yet unexplained reason of the memory charm's failure and the hyooman sneaking into _Irkharth_. _That_ incident will undoubtedly cost them their jobs if it spreads out.

So far, Councillor Finnel, the head examiner, hadn't uttered a word or even opened his eyes. He hadn't even touched his meal. Red couldn't help but wonder if he was still alive or died in his sleep, and nobody noticed.

"Headmasters, Lord Finnel doesn't appear to be hungry," Dren said in a smooth, regal voice. "I thought if you could show us around the campus. Perhaps it will open up his appetite."

"Why, of course, young Dren!" Purple looked around the dining hall, searching for a particular Irkenette. "Miss Phynxak!" He called out once he spotted her amongst the hundreds of students.

Tak reacted to her name being called. Placing her phlooka aside for a SIR to pick up, she made her way to Headmaster Purple's side.

"You called for me, sir?"

"Please take Dren and Lord Finnel on tour around the school."

Tak glanced at Dren briefly before nodding her head. "As you wish, Headmaster." She walked towards Lord Finnel's anti-gravity chair, hands neatly tucked behind her back. "If you'd be so kind as to follow me…"

Dren silently left his seat and pushed the chair from behind, following Tak towards the entrance.

"Phynxak? From the House of Phynxak?" Trina rubbed her chin. "So that's the daughter of Lord Wasabi and Lady Trik. It's been a while since I last saw her, she's certainly grown taller."

"And she's our best student!" Purple piped in happily. "She excels in all branches of magic so far!"

"That is to be expected, the House of Phynxak has produced powerful witches for centuries. I wouldn't be surprised if miss Tak turns out to be the greatest up-and-coming witch of her generation." Mauven added.

"Why, she may even be the best student in all the history of Irkharth!"

Trina took a sip from her wine. "Speaking of which, Red… I never got to give you my condolences over Miyuki and your smeet. It was such a tragedy. It's sad to think that she would be attending Irkharth if they didn't-"

Red inadvertently slammed his glass on the table. "Thank you, Trina," he said in-between clenched teeth.

A tense, uncomfortable silence hung in the table for a few minutes. Purple laughed nervously. "So… Have you tasted trimisu?"

* * *

"It's been a long time, Tak."

The Irkenette didn't bother to look at her companion. "Indeed, Dren."

The two young Irkens silently walked down the school's halls, averting their gazes. Tak only spoke when she explained something to Councillor Finnel regarding the school grounds or a particular room. The older Irken didn't seem to be too interested, though, or it's only hard to tell due to his perpetually emotionless expression.

"I hear that you led Irkharth's Quidirk team to victory in last year's tournament. Congratulations." Dren said, breaking the tense silence with a chilly, formal voice.

"Thank you," Tak responded.

"Honestly, I was surprised. Not only getting into the Quidirk team but also being tutored by Headmaster Purple himself."

Tak raised her lekku, frowning. "I know what you're implying, Dren. One of the players had graduated and the Headmasters called for auditions to find his replacement. Headmaster Purple picked me because of my own merit and skill, not because of my family name."

Despite belonging to a prominent magical family, Tak was taught that she must _earn_ the right to get what she wanted. During her first year, she mostly kept herself in the shadows; in fact, most people didn't know her surname unless the Professors checked their assistance lists.

"I never implied such a thing, Tak. I know you are a skilled flyer, just like your father-"

Tak stopped in her tracks and glanced at Dren for the first time during the conversation with a scowl on her face. "I'd thank you if you didn't meddle my parents into this," she said.

Dren recognized the look in her eyes. He knew her enough to tell she hid her feelings behind a mask of stone. "My apologies, Tak. I will not touch the issue again…" he trailed off as he caught a tiny movement from Councillor Finnel. "Tak…"

"What?"

"Lord Finnel just twitched a lekku."

Tak stopped in her tracks and glanced at the elder Irken. As Dren said, he had raised one of his long lekku and twitched it every few seconds. She almost jumped when he slowly cracked a golden eye open. Councillor Finnel was known to be so old that he didn't react to anything anymore, but whenever he did, it meant that he was _very_ interested in something.

"Tak, do you hear that?"

The purple-eyed Irkenette twitched her own lekku. Dren was right; someone was yelling up ahead in the corridor, accompanied by echoes of footsteps. She recognized Zim's voice, and Professor Sizz-Lorr's, and Stink Mag'ok's.

"Catch it!"

"Mag'ok, Zim, if that stuffed lizard breaks something, I'll personally make sure that you are both expelled!"

"Big deal, it's not like it can break anything, it's a stuffed doll!"

"Mr. Scales, come back!"

A small creature turned around the corner, with the three Irkens mentioned above hot in its trail. Mimi reacted and went after it, followed by Dren's raven familiar. But the stuffed dragon was faster and skipped out of their reach, moving towards Lord Finnel's chair and hopping unto his lap, to Tak and Dren's shock and Sizz-Lorr's horror.

"C-Councillor Finnel, my apologies!"

Zim, having no idea as to who Finnel was or his importance in the magical world, spoke to him like he'd talk to a regular person. "Hey, old man, would you mind giving me Mr. Scales back?" he cried out in pain as Sizz-Lorr smacked the back of his head.

"Show more respect to Councillor Finnel!"

"Who?"

"Councillor Finnel is part of the Irken Magical Congress," Tak explained sternly. "He's one of Irk's oldest, wisest and tallest wizards."

"Yeah, he's very old indeed- OW!" another smack, this time from Tak.

To everyone's shock, Councillor Finnel started laughing. It wasn't a raspy old laugh but amused, hearty one. No one had heard him laughing for years, so they were pretty apprehensive, except for Zim, that is. Instead, he stared at Finnel with a deep scowl.

"Don't laugh at Zim, old man!"

"Why, what an interesting boy! I haven't laughed this hard ever since the Plookesians accidentally set a hyooman minister on fire!"

"Lord Finnel…?" Dren whispered.

Finnel lifted Mr. Scales and took a look at it. "And puppet magic. Mm, I used to cast it on my grandson's toys." Mr. Scales snapped its teeth at his finger. "Though this one is tampered to make it anything but kid-friendly."

"Can you give me my stuffed dragon, old man?"

"ZIM!" Sizz-Lorr hissed.

"Ah, so your name is Zim, young man?" Finnel took out his wand and pointed it at Mr. Scales.

"Hey, what are you-?!"

"_Aquamenti_." A small stream of water flowed out of the wand's top and soaked the stuffed dragon to Zim's mortification.

"STOP!" Tak held out an arm and stopped Zim before he could intervene. "Get out of my way, Tak!"

"Puppet magic is cast through potion. You have to wash the item with a little water to make the effects disappear." She said.

Indeed, Mr. Scales had gone limp and unmoving. When Finnel shook a bit of the water, the stuffed dragon hung lifelessly from his hold, still dripping a bit as Zim snatched it back.

"Well, what is such a funny child doing here? Shouldn't you be at the party?"

"We wanted to, but we got detention." Stink murmured bitterly.

"Lord Finnel, these two nearly destroyed the classroom during a fight, and they were punished accordingly," Sizz-Lorr explained.

"Ah, I remember my first fight. Our Professor made us stand in the middle of the classroom holding piles of books in each hand," Lord Finnel chuckled. "Compared to that, kids have it far easier these days." He glanced at Zim. "How about you join us at the party, young Zim? I bet you'd make it more lively; it's far too boring!"

"Sir, with all due respect, Zim is grounded and-"

"No worry, Professor, I'll have a word with the Headmasters about that."

Zim had no idea of why the old Irken was so interested in him, but if it meant he got to get away from Sizz-Lorr far earlier, then he'd happily be the old Irken's chaperone.

"Yeah, yeah, come on, old man!"

"ZIM!"

* * *

Ever since the announcement that the examiners would stay at Irkharth for two weeks until the end of the exam period, the tension level skyrocketed. Trina and Mauven, the younger examiners, would come into class and keep an eye on them for about twenty minutes, taking notes in datapads, and then leave. Everyone whispered, and rumors of who they were going to rake over the coals spread throughout the school like plasma.

The Professors were particularly curious about Councillor Finnel. For some reason, he had a sort of interest in Zim. Ever since the party, he insisted on supervising the classes Zim would take, but it was evident he was only interested in Zim himself. The old Irken found his shenanigans _funny_. No one understood why, but as long as it kept Finnel happy, no one protested.

Then there was young Dren Hakren. All female students were fawning over him ever since his arrival, Zee and Poot included. Ilk didn't understand what the big deal about him was. Sure, he came from a renowned Irken wizards' family, was the grandson of an Archmage, _and_ was tall, but that's nothing to boast about. At least, I'm her opinion. If he was such a talented wizard, why didn't he attend Irkharth?

"Nobody knows," Zee said when Ilk brought up the question. "I heard he got letters from a few magic schools throughout Urth _and _even from other planets, but for some reason, he didn't pick one.

"And yet people think he's got talent when he's not studying in any magic school?" Ilk pointed out matter-of-factly. "That doesn't even make sense!"

"I guess you're right when you put it that way…"

"But come on, Ilk, you have to admit he's very handsome!" Poot squealed in delight.

Ilk rolled her eyes, smiling. "If you say so, Poot."

"Man, I'm worried about the Potions exam! I heard Professor Sizz-Lor takes points away just for miswriting a word!"

"Or if he simply doesn't like you," Zee added quickly.

"You're lucky to have grown up with a potion maker, Ilk! You must know a lot about potions!"

"A bit," Ilk said, shrugging. "Lard Nar insisted that I learn the basic potions since I was a smeet. He said it would be useful during my first year."

"And he wasn't wrong."

"I'm kinda worried about Magic Linguistics, Transfiguration, and Charms, though. I'm a bit of trouble with those, especially linguistics."

Kuna climbed up on Ilk's shoulder and whispered into her lekku. "Mistress, I recommend asking a Professor for help."

"Who could I ask for help?"

"Who knows? Maybe someone whose name starts with an H and ends with 'eadmaster Red.'"

"The Headmaster? I wouldn't want to bother him right now. He's surely swamped right now, with the examinations, the examiners, and all that."

"Ilk, he helped you with the alchemy elective. What makes you think he wouldn't agree to help you study?" Poot inquired.

"Besides, it's pretty evident he likes you. You've got nothing to lose."

Ilk hated to admit it, but they were right. Perhaps he wouldn't mind hearing her out. He had been kind to her in the past, hadn't he?

On the way to the Headmasters' office, she spotted their snake familiars curled up on the two plants on the side of the doorway, hissing loudly and baring their fangs at whoever came too close. Ever since Zim 'vandalized' their office, the Headmasters left their snakes to guard it when they weren't in there; guess they didn't want another incident like that. Ilk couldn't blame them for that.

She was about to look for Headmaster Red somewhere else when his familiar hissed loudly at her. He didn't seem hostile when she glanced at it, though. Instead, it flew off the plant and hovered right in front of her for a few seconds before darting off down the corridor.

"_He wants you to follow him, mistress_," Kuna announced. Ilk guessed she was right, especially when the snake stopped in mid-air to look back at her, almost expectantly.

Ilk followed the winged snake back down to the ground floor, outside and past the exterior walls towards the area where Magizoology classes were held. It consisted of a wide grassy field with a big fence used for big animals, a small hut where supplies were kept, and a neatly painted mauve barn which acted as housing for Irkharth's irkorses.

Irkorses were furless equine-like animals native to Irk. Their anatomy was almost similar to an earthen horse, except their silky skin was of strictly green shades; their tails and manes were short and spiny, and instead of ears, they had a long pair of black lekku. They had big eyes reminiscent of Irken eyes, further proving their relation to Irkens.

This breed, in particular, could fly without wings, galloping through the air as if they were running on a solid surface. This function was not fully understood and was still being studied upon by Magizoologists. Flying irkorses were exclusive to the magical community, but as they were identical to no-maj irkorses, every once in a while, someone made a mistake, and a few specimens got mixed up with regular irkorses. Ilk heard those cases regularly cause the IRKMAC a good amount of headaches.

Ilk found Headmaster Red sitting on a bench under a tree, leaning back against the tree bark, his eyes blissfully closed. The snake landed on the empty spot next to him and slithered up his arm.

Ilk took a deep breath. "Excuse me, Professor?"

The Headmaster opened his eyes and glanced at her. "Oh, miss Nar." He offered her a friendly smile. "What brings you here?"

"I went to your office to talk to you, but your familiar led me here…"

Headmaster Red sat up properly to look at her. "Is there anything you need?"

"Well…I wanted to… Well..." Ilk hesitated, but gathered her courage and spoke before Kuna could nip on her lekku to force it out again. "Could you help me study for the exams?" The Headmaster raised his lekku.

"Is everything okay?" he inquired, concerned.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine, Professor, it's just that there are certain subjects that I'm not very good at. I'm having a bit of trouble with a few subjects, particularly Magic Linguistics. I know it's my first time, and I shouldn't expect to understand exactly what the birds say, but I don't want to get a low grade either."

"I see," Headmaster Red chuckled. He sat back down on the bench, inviting her to sit by him. Ilk shyly climbed into the seat and sat down a few inches away from him. "You know, you remind me of a certain student from a few years ago. He, too, wasn't very good at Magic linguistics, but he didn't want to fail the course either, so he asked someone for help."

"Who?" Ilk inquired curiously.

"A friend whose familiar was a bird." The Headmaster offered her a kind smile. "Tell you what: I can help you study for the exams if you promise me you'll work very hard."

Ilk couldn't believe it. She would have probably gaped if Kuna hadn't nibbled her lekku to snap her out of it. "Y-Yes, Professor!"

"Good. I'll meet you in the library tomorrow during the free period, then."

After thanking the Headmaster a hundred times, Ilk hurried back into the castle with a broad, ear-to-ear grin. Sadly, she was so happy that she didn't see where she was going and bumped into someone just as she was turning around a corner. Ilk fell to the floor with a loud thud, knocking Kuna off her head. Ilk bit her lip and rubbed her side.

"Ouch…" Ilk panicked when she heard the other person groan in pain.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" Ilk apologized frantically as she proceeded to pick up all the books on the ground. "I didn't see where I was going and-!"

She froze as she came face to face with Dren Hakren himself as he rubbed his back. Oh, shi-! Of all the people she had to bump into, it had to be precisely him! He looked at her, lekku raised. To her surprise, she offered her a hand.

"Are you alright, miss?" He asked, concerned.

Ilk swallowed hard as she accepted his hand, and he helped her up. "Y-Yeah." She went back to 'apology mode.' "I'm sorry about that! I d-didn't see you-!"

Dren smiled politely. "That's quite alright, miss…"

"Ilk Nar."

"Oh, it's an interesting surname," Dren pointed out. "I guess you already know who I am, but allow me to introduce myself. I'm Dren Hakren."

"Y-Yeah, I've heard about you. You're the main topic in all girls' conversation."

"Indeed," Dren sighed. "I apologize for that. It's one of the downs of being… well, tall and coming from a renowned family."

"Yeah…"

There was an awkward silence afterward. Ilk tried to think of something to say, but she wasn't used to talking with handsomely tall boys- oh, great, the 'Dren effect' was starting to affect her too. Ilk averted her gaze before he could notice her pink cheeks.

"Were you heading somewhere in particular?" Dren inquired shortly after.

"N-not really. How about you?"

"I was looking for Councillor Finnel. He has the habit of sneaking away and explore on his own. That usually wouldn't be a problem, except that he's a bit… well, senile if he doesn't take his Sharpwit Potion."

"Well, he's probably gone to the classroom Zim is in right now. From what I've seen, he's fond of him."

"And where would Zim be right now?"

"We're having a free period right now. Knowing Zim, he's probably in the courtyard, trying to get his familiar unto a broomstick."

"Would you mind guiding me to his spot? I'm not precisely familiar around here, and Irkharth is quite a big castle."

Ilk felt a shiver down her spine when he offered her yet another friendly smile. "S-Sure, young Hakren…"

Dren tipped his hat. "Please, you may call me Dren, miss Nar."

"Y-You may call me Ilk too, you- I mean, Dren."

* * *

**Looks like Zim's earned his first 'admirer' ever. Why is Finnel so interested in him? Guess we'll have to wait to find out. **


	14. Tak's Prediction

**Okay, now comes the part we've all dreaded the most during our time at school: exams! And knowing Zim, the school will be fortunate to make it through the period with all of its examination rooms intact. Just so you know, guys, I'm using a grading system similar to that in _Harry Potter_, but the grades have different letters and meanings to that one. There's more info about that in the fic's tumblr page, if you wish to take a look.**

* * *

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 14- Tak's Prediction**

* * *

Zim was somewhat used to stress. In the orphanage he was always on edge, as he had to watch his back from Torque and the other kids who would pick on him. Now that he attended school, however, he discovered a new type of stress that was even worse.

It began on November 1st. He noticed everyone started spending most of their time reading books and notes taken from class. The Professors announced something about getting ready for something important. Sadly, Zim didn't pay attention and missed most of the explanation of what it was about. He only retained that they would last from November 15th to 19th. After that announcement, most people got on edge and started studying. This period had a particular name that Zim did _not_ miss, however.

Exams.

"What's the big deal about these exams?" Zim asked his friends that evening during their 'study session' in their room.

"They're to check how much we've learned or if we learned anything _at all_." Bob murmured as he re-read all of his notes from Charms and Herbology.

"So they're important?"

"Very important! Getting high scores in exams will increase your chances of getting a good job." Skoodge stated. Bob bitterly added that the 'good job' would likely go to taller Irkens even if they got Ds in all of the subjects.

"If I get high scores, I can become an Almighty Tallest Mage?"

"You need to be at least eight feet tall-"

"Can I?"

"If you have a growth spurt, it might increase your chances-"

"Can I?!"

Skoodge sighed. "Yeah."

So Zim decided he'd have the highest scores in the exams. Unfortunately for him, his attention deficit made it hard to stay focused on a book for longer than thirty seconds without getting distracted over the tiniest external stimuli. Even if he somehow managed to do so for longer than that, GIR always ended up distracting him with his antics.

The first exam was Magic Linguistics. Professor Poki had her raven familiar caw, while the class had to transcribe its words on answer sheets accurately. Zim froze the first few minutes as he realized he couldn't understand a thing, then he started writing down guesses. This tactic proved to be anything but useful, as a quarter of his answers were wrong, barely earning him an A, _Acceptable_, the grade in-between pass and failure.

"Curse you, raven! Curse you!" Zim complained during lunchtime as he glared down at the A written on the paper.

"It's your first time, so it's normal," Skoodge said, trying to make Zim feel better.

"Easy for you to say, your familiar is a _bird_." Bob pointed out, frowning at _Chocolate_.

"How come the Ilk-smeet and Tak got perfect scores?" Zim asked. Ilk had just shown them her exam and the EE, _Exceeds Expectations_, in the corner, and Tak… Well, she's Tak. From what he heard, she's never had any grades below EE ever since her magical education began.

"Tak's one year above us, so she's got more experience. As for Ilk." Bob looked around, leaned in, and whispered. "I think Headmaster Red tutored her."

"Hey, that's cheating!" Zim cried out.

"Asking a Professor for help isn't cheating. It's their _job_ to make sure that we learn. " Skoodge clarified.

Zim was so distracted that he didn't notice a raven flying towards them until he felt his exam being snatched from his hands. The bird flew back to Larb and his cronies, dropping the paper on its master's hands.

"'I'm getting hungry. Caw'." Larb read out loud in a mocking tone.

"'I wish I had some corn. Caw'." Alexovich added. The trio burst into laughter until Zim walked up to them and snatched the paper back.

"Shut up! So what if I'm not good at speaking bird?!"

"And just what _are_ you good at, pray tell?" Alexovich inquired with a sneer.

"How odd, you barely have anything you are good at!" Flobee added.

"No, wait, he _is _good at something," Larb sneered. "Making a fool of himself. Oh, and let's not forget how good at _failing_ you are!"

The three disappeared down the cafeteria in-between mocking laughter. Zim clenched his teeth and his grip on his exam as he glared in the direction they walked to while GIR waved his paw amicably at them. Just as he thought it couldn't get any worse, the female examiner approached. She was followed by the old Irken and a sleek, lavender-furred feline, probably her familiar.

"Hi!" GIR dropped into the ground and hugged Trina's familiar. The large cat frowned and pushed him off her paw in an elegant manner.

Trina stared at Larb's group as they sat at a table and then looked down at Zim.

"Are these… episodes frequent?" the Irkenette inquired.

"You could say so," Skoodge replied.

The Irkenette wrote in her datapad with a quill. "Have you seen anyone else being harassed in such a manner by other people?"

"Not that we know of. Larb's group is the primary 'harasser' in the school, but so far, they only seem to pick on us," Bob quickly pointed at Zim. "Especially him."

"Is that so?" Trina took a quick look at the student in question. Zim... That's odd, his surname is not registered in the school records, he merely appeared as Zim. Usually, this meant that the student has no family they knew of. "Tell me, Mr. Zim, do you ever provoke any fights?"

"Of course not!" Zim snapped.

Trina raised an eyebrow, looking through her papers. "That's a bold claim. Here it says you tore a girl's dress on your first day." Finnel chuckled.

"It wasn't me; it was GIR!"

"Then, you skipped detention and snuck out of school."

"Hey, it wasn't just me!"

"Tattletale!" Bob snapped at Zim, offended.

"And you _vandalized_ the Headmasters' office."

"Oh, come on, I captured the Dib-beast to aid the Headmasters!"

"Dib-beast?"

"You know, the hyooman who snuck into school! The Headmasters were looking for him all over, and I, Zim, helped capture him!" Zim paused and noticed the Irkenette had opened her eyes and raised her lekku. She must be impressed by what he did. "Impressive, right?"

"A hyooman no-maj _snuck_ _into the school_?"

* * *

Ilk had to admit: she wasn't sure about Headmaster Red's offer to tutor her in the signatures she was having trouble with at first. However, he turned out to be a good teacher: patient and encouraging. He taught her the basics of the avian language, which she had never been good at, but an hour and a half with him were enough for her to get an _Exceeds Expectations_ in her first exam. She was so happy! Zee and Poot were teasing her over the 'special treatment' she got from the Headmaster himself. She made them stop by promising to help them study for Charms and Potions, in which she was very good at.

The next study session would take place in the library later that day during the free period. Ilk took her Transfiguration notes and book and picked a table near the bookshelves. Headmaster Red was yet to arrive, so Ilk distracted herself by looking around at the books. In silence, of course, as Miss Bar, the Librarian, was _very_ strict about the 'silence in the library' rule and the books' condition. A few students had already been 'banned' for a week or more for being noisy or damaging a book.

_Kuna _directed Ilk's attention to a particular tome in the lower shelves: a yearbook from a few years ago. Curious, Ilk took it from the shelf and headed towards a table. She found none other than Dren sitting in it, hungrily reading through some of the books. She greeted him eagerly as she took a seat next to him; he smiled.

"Hi, Ilk. Studying for the exams?"

"You could say so. I'm supposed to meet Headmaster Red; he's going to help me study."

"I didn't imagine a smart girl such as you would require assistance."

Ilk blushed. "Well, I might be good at Potions, but I got my weak points. How about you?"

"I already read most of the books at home, so I figured I'd read something new. Irkharth has one of the biggest libraries in the magical teaching institutions found on Earth, and it permits books that other species find… inappropriate." He noticed the yearbook she was carrying. "Is that what I think it is?"

Ilk nodded as she skipped through it. She recognized some of the faces in there even if they looked far younger. Dren joined in, and would occasionally point out the identity of people in there she didn't find familiar. Kat Zitka, head magical surgeon of the St. Arya hospital, was the best of her class in Healing Magic. Swig Intora became a famed Quidirk player who has led the Irken Quidirk team to victory for the past fifty years. Ilk saw a few members of the House of Phynxak, Tak's family, always in the best student listings, and how most of them got high-ranked positions in the magic world. A few even worked in the I.R.K.M.A.C. as counselors or Almighty Tallest mages and archmages.

"Wow. I heard the Phynxak were powerful, but this takes the cake!"

"They got 3,000 human years of history, so it's natural. They are one of Irk's most ancient and highly-esteemed bloodlines both in the no-maj and magical worlds."

"Yeah, I've noticed. Everybody holds Tak on a high pedestal because she's from that family."

"Yes, but go give her credit. She's actually _earned_ the praise given to her. Tak's a great witch." Dren added.

Ilk wondered if her parents were in there. She didn't have any pictures nor remembered their faces, but it was worth a try. She skipped the pages until she found the graduating class from a few years before she was born. There were many Irkens in that class, but none of them looked like they could be related to her. As she watched, she casually came across some more recently familiar faces.

**_Reddok Vermeillo_**

_Top of the class, perfect N.E.I.W.T.s. 8.31 ft tall. _

_Ascended to Almighty Tallest Mage. _

_**Purpurous Lavrendek.** _

_Quidirk team captain. 6 'Exceeds Expectations' N.E.I.W.T.s. 8.30 ft tall._

_Ascended to Almighty Tallest Mage. _

"Would you look at that? The Headmasters don't seem to have changed much." Dren chuckled.

"Wow, they got top marks in the N.E.I.W.T.s. Headmaster Vermeillo even had the perfect scores!"

"Well, the I.R.K.M.A.C. wouldn't put average wizards in charge of Irk's most prestigious magic school off-planet, though Reddok and Purpurous have made a bit of controversy."

"How so?" Ilk inquired.

"See, my father said that the I.R.K.M.A.C. originally was going to appoint only Reddok as Headmaster, as he was the best candidate. However, he insisted that he wanted Purpurous to be his co-Headmaster. It's the first time in Irkharth's history that it has not one Headmaster, but _two_."

"They must be _very_ close, then."

"Very much, according to what my father said," Dren said. "Some used to think they were a couple until Reddok got married to Miyuki."

Ilk twitched her lekku. That name sounds familiar. "Miyuki?"

"She must be… Here." Dren pointed to another student in the same class as the Headmasters: an Irkenette with azure blue eyes, a rare color for Irkens. "That's her."

It was the first time she saw her, and yet Ilk couldn't help feeling a strange deja vu. She read the description under the picture.

_**Miyuki Hyacinthra**._

_Top marks in Astronomy. 5 'Exceeds Expectations' N.E.I.W.T.s. 8.15 ft tall. _

_Ascended to Almighty Tallest Mage._

"She's… Headmaster Vermeillo's wife?"

"Late wife."

"Oh, right… Do you happen to know what happened to her?"

"Not exactly. I mean, you know the media tends to exaggerate or omit specific details to make their stories more 'alluring.' They want people to buy more newspapers, after all. It doesn't help that Reddok didn't give many details about what happened, and he's refused to talk about it ever since," Dren explained. "But the most accepted theory is that an anti-alien hyooman entered their house and-"

"Good afternoon."

Ilk and Dren jumped, startled. Ilk momentarily lost her balance and nearly fell back; she would have if Headmaster Red hadn't caught the chair from behind.

"Are you alright?" He asked, visibly concerned. Ilk, of course, wanted nothing but to wear an invisibility cloak or something like that. Had he heard what they were talking about? Would he be mad?

"I'm s-sorry, Professor!" she stuttered, her face hot. Ilk was pretty sure her cheeks looked like someone smeared a pink amortentia potion on them.

Red chuckled. "Don't worry, I've had embarrassing episodes myself back in the day," he leaned in towards the table, particularly close to Dren. "Ah, I see you found a yearbook…" He smiled a bit. "I admit, it's been a while since I saw my picture in it."

Ilk noticed the Headmaster's familiar slithering up Dren's chair, staring at him with slit pupils. Uh-oh. He _did_ hear what they were talking about. Does this mean he's mad at her too?

"SSSHH!" Miss Bar shushed sternly from her desk.

"Uh-oh." Headmaster Red chuckled again as he sat down in the chair next to Ilk. "Guess even _I_ am not exempt from the rules."

"Professor, I'm sorry! I d-didn't mean to-! We didn't mean to gossip about your matters or anything like that! I was just curious, and Dren was telling me…!

"No, no, that's… that's okay." Red stared at Miyuki's photo. Had it been that long? Admittedly, she hadn't changed much either since that picture was taken. He couldn't help himself and stroked her cheek on the page with a finger.

"I offer you my apologies, Professor," Dren said, bowing his head. His familiar made a similar gesture. "As Ilk said, it wasn't my intention to meddle into your private affairs."

Red sighed solemnly. "You did nothing wrong, young Hakren. You were merely discussing something that happened a long time ago," he said sadly.

"I should be taking my leave now, sir. I wouldn't like to distract miss Ilk from her studies," Dren offered Ilk another friendly smile. "I guess I'll see you later."

Ilk nodded her head a bit too quickly. "Y-Yeah."

Once Dren walked off, Red centered his attention back on Ilk, smiling a bit. "So, shall we begin with the lesson?"

* * *

Throughout the week, Zim realized a terrible fact: he didn't have a strong point. For some reason, everyone seemed to be better at certain subjects except for him, no matter how hard he tried. Skoodge achieved an impressive _Exceeds Expectations_ in Charms by levitating five items with _wingardium leviosa_. Bob scored O_utstanding_ in Transfiguration because he didn't answer all the answers correctly in the written part of the exam despite successfully casting the _Spongify_ spell on a rock. Stink is an ace when it comes to flying a broomstick, the only reason he scored _Acceptable_ was that he didn't fly as Professor Krel had instructed, instead choosing to fly his way: fast and reckless. Gashloog, the third-grader Irken with the goggles, got the highest mark in Magizoology because he was the only one who successfully made a perfect sketch and report of a manticore. Grapa and Spleen did better than most in Herbology and DADA, respectively. Even Larb was pretty good at Potions, as much as Zim hated to admit it.

Then there are others, like the Ilk-smeet, who had not one, but _many_ strong points. Ilk-smeet scored mostly _Exceptional_s, but she obtained the highest marks in Transfiguration, Magic Linguistics, and Charms, undoubtedly thanks to her additional tutelage under Headmaster Reddok. But when it came to Potions, Ilk-smeet was simply a natural. She was one of the few students whom Professor Sizz-Lorr seems to _like_.

Then there's Tak, who stood out in _every_ class. Zim shivered in disgust. She scored perfectly in all the exams, never below that. It's almost like the Irkenette _couldn't_ fail even if her life depended on it. All the Professors held her on a pedestal and almost acted as if she _owned_ the school. The other students called her the 'marble Irken' due to her academic perfection as well as her cold, stoic demeanor.

The Astronomy exam took place after lunch break; it consisted of a primary star and planet alignment reading. The majority barely got to see a glimpse of something that would _probably _happen tomorrow. Zim didn't see anything; Lena-witch assured him not everyone got to read astral bodies at their first try. Even Ilk-smeet had trouble in this class and barely scored _Outstanding_. Tak, on the other hand, made an advanced astrology reading; being one grade above them, she was naturally more experienced. She held her wand forward with both arms, making a whole start chart, not of Earth, but Irk and its surrounding planets along with all the stars and celestial bodies. It almost looked like the holographic lights Zim had seen in brochures from the planetarium built by Professor Membrane.

"The alienation of stars and the planets in Irk's solar system speak: Irk, stay strong, for you shall go through difficult times, but should you prevail and remain as powerful as ever."

The rest of the class clapped their hands. Lena nodded approvingly at Tak's display. "Well done, Tak! You're the first witch your age to read such an advanced astronomy chart!"

Zim's eye twitched. "Big deal, she's just saying everyday stuff!"

Tak glanced at him. "Zim. Should I read your future?"

Zim puffed out his chest and crossed his arms, grinning. "Ha! I already know my future: I will become an Almighty Tallest Mage!"

Tak focused her attention on a tiny star formation in the seemingly endless sea of stars. "I see something…" Her head pulsated with pain as images flashed. They were brief and fuzzy, barely discernible. She saw a hyooman with an abnormally big head, a nightingale with crimson plumage, a flash of blue and silver speeding across a river of stars in the sky... The images moved taster to the point she could hardly discern them. She's never had this trouble in reading someone's fortune before: these cases were sporadic unless even the stars themselves were 'forbidden' to speak.

At long last, the images came to an abrupt halt. She saw Zim's wand being snapped in two. That could only mean one thing.

"...You'll be expelled from Irkharth."

There were multiple gasps across the room, followed by an angry yell.

"YOU'RE MAKING IT UP!" Zim snapped, pointing an accusing finger at Tak.

"You wish!" Larb sneered. "Tak's predictions are always accurate. And it's not that hard to believe. You'll probably get kicked out of school anytime soon."

"Why, you-!"

Zim felt his foot coming into contact with something, causing him to lose his balance as he tried to leap at Larb, and instead, his face hit the ground with a painful thud. It wouldn't have been that bad, as he's gotten worse injuries from Torque, but GIR had been sleeping right next to him. When he fell over, he unintentionally landed on top of him, causing his familiar to shriek and jump into his head.

He heard Ilk, Skoodge, and Bob coming forward to ask if he was okay, but Zim didn't pay attention to them. All he could hear was the laughter coming from Larb, his cronies, and the rest of their classmates. It brought back memories of when he was a smeet. The mocking laughter from the hyooman children, their fingers pointing at him, calling him 'Irken freak,' making fun of him for anything. Making him feel unwanted, driving him to tears until he ran to hide in Hecate's skirt.

But Hecate wasn't here, and he was no longer a smeet. He wasn't the crybaby pushover from back then. He was an Irken. And if there's one thing they are famous for, it's their temper.

Zim's vision went red as he released a high-pitched shriek and lunged at Larb; he didn't react in time and was tackled to the ground, but Larb was an Irken too. As such, he retaliated against Zim, returning his scratches and bites. The rest of their classmates, except for a few, cheered around them. Lena was about to intervene when the doors burst open.

"_What_'_s going on here_?"

* * *

**Uh-oh. Looks like Zim's in trouble again**. **Makes us all wonder if Tak's prediction will come true. Hopefully not**.


	15. Orphans

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 15- Orphans**

* * *

His scratches and bruises were still fresh and ached, but that was the least of Zim's problems right now. One of the examiners, the male one, had walked into the room during the quarrel with Larb. No matter how many times Zim tried to explain that Larb had started it, the examiner wouldn't hear any of it and dragged the both of them to the Headmasters' office. Neither Red nor Purple seemed too surprised to see him; it was almost like they didn't expect anything else from him by then. The two examiners and the old Irken were in there too, though they looked far more relaxed.

The former two were giving both him and Larb mild frowns, though, showing they weren't happy with them either.

"You two started a fight in the middle of the Astronomy exam?" Red began.

"Larb started it!" Zim protested.

"I merely said the truth, sirs." Larb said calmly. "It's not my fault that Zim can't handle it."

"You're lying!"

"Even if that were an excuse…!" Red scowled, momentarily raising his voice. "Which it's not, that wasn't the time to settle your… differences."

"Yeah, you could have waited for the free period at the very least!" Purple added quickly.

"Mr. Paxak, this is only the first time you've gotten into trouble this year, so you're free to go for now, but we'll keep an eye on you for signs of any more misbehavior. Additionally, you are grounded for two weeks."

"Yes, sir."

"You're dismissed."

Larb turned around and walked out of the office, not before secretly giving Zim a smug sneer.

Irkens have a different way of dealing with infractions. As everyone knows, their whole society is based on height. As such, taller individuals aren't punished as often when getting into trouble, especially when they come from tall, influential clans. The shorter Irkens are always the ones raked over the coals, even if the taller ones are the actual guilty party.

Of all of Irkharth's alumni, at least thirty four percent belonged to families with the traits mentioned above. These clans had attended the school for generations, and most of them kept tabs on their alma mater to make sure their children received the best education possible. Often, they made expensive donations or 'pulled a few strings' to make sure they got their way. Because of this, Irkens from these families weren't punished as strictly the few times they happen to get in trouble.

Larb Paxak was a peculiar case. His family, the House of Paxak, although fabulously wealthy and with an impeccably tall bloodline, created some controversy within the Irken Magical society. For instance, they are notorious blood-supremacists. Irkens don't usually put value in such an 'inferior thing such as blood purity,' and are instead driven by height. The House of Paxak, however, apart from looking down upon shorters, was additionally known to reject interactions or fraternizing with half-bloods and no-maj-borns, be it Irken, human, Vortian, or any species.

As such, Larb was known to pick not only on shorter classmates but also on those coming from half-blood or no-maj families. Since his parents were one of Irkharth's most common benefactors, he knew he could get away with almost anything in the school. Usually, though, he never went beyond verbal teasing and making fun of his classmates. Arrogant as he might be, he was fully aware that his family had a reputation to maintain.

But Zim…

Red rubbed his temples, sighing. "How many times must we have this conversation, Zim?" he murmured.

"You mean this isn't the first time he gets into trouble?" Trina inquired.

"We wish." Purple said, munching on a donut. "At this rate, we'll have to reserve a filing drawer just for him."

"And have you contacted his parents about it?" Purple and Red shifted uncomfortably at Mauven's question.

"About that…" Red hesitated. "He doesn't have parents. He's an orphan."

Zim's squeedly-spooch sunk.

Trina and Mauven exchanged looks. "Any immediate family?"

"None that we know. Professor Lena said that the closest thing the smeet has to a mother is the Vortian female working at the orphanage he lives in."

"That would explain why he doesn't seem to be aware of Irken customs…" Trina murmured.

"Well, in that case, be sure to inform the Vortian of Mr…" Mauven thought for a few seconds. "Zim's misbehaviors as if she were his parent if there's no one else to turn to."

"D-Don't tell Hecate!" Zim cried out.

"You should have thought of that before starting a fight, Zim." Red said sternly. "I'll write her a letter tonight informing her of your numerous infractions."

"Speaking of infractions…" Mauven glanced at the Headmasters with a stern frown. "We heard from a certain source that a hyooman snuck into Irkharth not long ago."

Purple spat his coffee into his co-Headmaster's face. Red was so shocked that he failed to respond to it, instead trying his best to keep his composure. How on Irk did they find out?! No, he didn't to ask, the answer was right in front of him.

"Zim, you're dismissed for now. We'll talk about your punishment _later_."

Zim didn't need to be told twice, especially after noticing the undercurrent of anger in Headmaster Red's voice. He sped out of the room, dragging GIR by the tail.

"So tell me, is that true?"

Purple chuckled nervously and pulled on the collar of his cape. "It's a funny story."

Red cut him off. "The hyooman seems to have retained his memories even after I cast the Memory Charm." He confessed.

He was partly ashamed to admit this, but the looks Trina and Mauven had in their faces almost made him burst out laughing. Those two had always been so stiff and fancy ever since they became Archmages.

"What?"

"I cast the Memory Charm on the hyooman, but yet somehow he found his way here. What does that tell you?" Red continued. "Either he 'casually' found a way in by sheer luck alone, or he kept his memories and found his way to the Green Faerie and somehow used the Floo Network."

"That wouldn't make any sense. Why would the charm fail at all?" Mauven narrowed his eyes. "Did you cast it correctly?"

Red got to his feet, shooting Mauven a stern look. "What are you implying?"

"Memory charms were never your thing, Reddok. Besides, you have the habit of losing focus when distracted by external factors."

"You're questioning my ability? Because unless memory fails me, you could never surpass me at _any_ subjects."

"Let's not waste our time with childish quarrels, you two." Trina said sternly as she shot both Irkens an icy frown. She looked at Red. "So, you don't think you might have performed it incorrectly?"

"No, he didn't! I was there!" Purple said.

"I was asking Reddok."

"But I cast it on the hyooman kid too, and it didn't work either!"

"You're suggesting that the child is immune to magic spells?" Mauven repeated. "Impossible."

"There have been cases before, Mauven." Trina said. "It's not as common as before, but there are a few registered cases of no-maj people being unaffected by certain magic spells."

"Do you know who this kid is, at the very least?"

Red and Purple exchanged a glance.

"No."

"Never seen him before. All we know is how he looks like…" Trina held up her clipboard and a quill. "Oh. Well, he must be about ten or eleven, he wears a black trench coat and pants. He's got an awful taste! Everyone knows black is…"

"Purple!" Red called out before his friend could trail off again, continuing with the explanation himself. "Anyway, he's got a huge head. How it fits atop of that short hyooman body is a mystery to me. He's got this weird black scythe on his head and wears… um… a round ocular accessory thingy to improve his poor eyesight…"

"Glasses," Trina said in an exasperated tone.

"Yeah, glasses."

Mauven rubbed his chin. "A hyooman with an enormous head, you say? I might know who we are dealing with, but I'd have to confirm it first."

"Hey, didn't Zim call him Dib-thing?" Purple pointed out.

"Ah! Then it must be him!"

Red coughed. "Might filling us in?"

"Have you heard of Professor Membrane?"

"Isn't he the renown hyooman scientist who's even got his tv show?"

"Yes. He has two kids. The older one, Dib Membrane, has already caused some controversy in the no-maj world for his interests in the occult and supernatural phenomena. He's even taken part in a few scandals when he tried 'exposing magic to the world.'"

"Hey, I heard about that! The kid stalked a magician thinking that he was a real wizard!" Purple snickered. "You know what's ironic? He _was_ right, but Illuzo made it look like he was insane!"

"Indeed, it was a smart move on that Vortian's part." Mauven coughed loudly. "Anyhow, we shall inform the Magical Council, so they will keep an eye on the Membrane boy to confirm your theory. Meanwhile, if he does show up, here again, be sure to report it."

Red nodded solemnly. "We will."

* * *

While Zim liked being the center of attention, he didn't like it when it was the wrong type. As he entered the dining hall that night, he felt all eyes on him. Some were whispering, snickering, or even shooting him looks. They were undoubtedly talking about what transpired in Astronomy Class. Zim quickened his pace, grabbed his tray of food, and went to the usual table, where Skoodge and Bob were already seated.

"You made it alive out of the Headmasters' office, so I guess they didn't go that hard on you."

"The Headmasters understood that Zim did nothing wrong, so they let me go!" Zim lied. "Besides, they had more important things to do!"

"Frankly, I'm glad someone finally caused Larb a world of pain." Bob said.

"But violence is not the best way to solve things…" Skoodge added timidly.

"Oh, come on, even you have to admit that he deserved it! He's always talking down on us just because we're short! And he gets away with it because he's tall and comes from an influential family!"

"Wow, you really got a problem with taller Irkens, don't you?"

"Can you blame me? I mean, it's hard when everyone around you looks down on you because of your height, but when even your own family does it, it takes the cake!"

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the trio of losers." Zim stiffened as Larb's group approached.

"Why don't you bother someone else for today? We're kind of not in the mood to deal with you right now." Bob said. "I mean, we're not the only shorters to pick on around here."

"Why, you hurt me! I have come in peace!" Larb laughed. "Besides, I've already gotten into enough trouble, and I have a family reputation to maintain. Surely you understand the importance of withholding family expectations… Oh, wait." Larb's gaze shifted towards Zim. "_You_ don't."

Zim froze as he noticed the tiniest hint of malice in the taller Irken's eyes.

"What do you mean?" Skoodge asked.

"Oh, so he hasn't told you?" Alexovich said. "Zim here is an orphan."

Zim's fork dropped to the ground with a loud clatter. _He knows_.

"What are you talking about?" Bob asked, only half-serious.

"A little bird told me," a caw caught Zim's attention. He glanced at the raven on Larb's shoulder. He must have sent his familiar to spy on him! "That Zim here has no parents and comes from an orphanage."

"In other words, he's a nobody!" Flobee snickered.

"If you don't believe me, just think about it!" Larb continued before Skoodge or Bob could say anything. "How come the teachers never call him by a surname? Even better: Zim is an Irken and yet he knows nothing about our customs or culture. He doesn't hold height in the same regard as we do. How is that possible unless he didn't grow up with Irken parents or any at all?"

Zim didn't hear the rest of what they were saying. Instead, he was focused entirely on all the stares on top of him, his lekku twitching frantically as he heard their whispers and snickers. That's what they were talking about: that he was a nobody, a no-name. Skoodge and Bob, too, were staring at him. What were they thinking of him?.

Eventually, he couldn't bear it anymore and jumped off his seat, his feet carrying him away from the dining hall just as some tears escaped from the corners of his eyes.

**-DMoSD-**

From the beginning, Ilk had suspected that Zim was just like her. He didn't hold height in the same regard as the rest and didn't know much about Irken culture in general. He rarely spoke about his home and tried to avoid the topic whenever possible. She understood why he'd hide it, though. It's not something one might want other people to know unless she trusted them.

Naturally, when Larb just went and technically shouted Zim's secret to the four winds, causing him to run off, Ilk just couldn't let Larb get away with it this time. Especially when he and his cronies started _laughing_ at Zim's reaction, calling him a crybaby.

Against all common sense, Ilk roughly smashed her fork on the table and stomped towards Larb, lekku flat against her head.

**POW!**

The dining hall went silent when her fist came into contact with Larb's face with such force that he nearly fell backward to the ground. The reason he didn't was that Alexovich and Flobee caught him.

"What the-?" Larb rubbed his sore eye and glared at Ilk with the good one. "Who do you think you are?"

"No, who do you think you are!" Ilk scowled. "Picking on someone constantly just because they're short is one thing, but a exposing something as personal as that is something very different!"

"Well, he should have thought that before playing with the big boys!"

"Big boys! Ha! Please, people like you need to pick on others to make themselves feel superior because those people have more guts in a fist than you in your entire body!"

The comment seemed to struck a nerve, as Larb loomed threateningly over Ilk. Unlike other species, Irkens have no qualms about hitting girls, as both genders are seen as equal and capable of holding their ground in an even fight.

"What did you just say to me?" he hissed.

"Ilk, don't waste your time with him! We should go find Zim!" Skoodge intervened before someone, namely Ilk, could get hurt.

Ilk returned Larb's glare for a few more moments before following Bob and Skoodge out of the cafeteria.

They looked in their dormitory first, but he wasn't there; his dragon plush was missing, though, so that meant he passed through here. The trio then split up to cover more terrain. There was no trace of Zim in the classrooms, dungeons, the Quidirk field, greenhouses, nor anywhere around the school. Had he left the school grounds?

The trio reunited in the main entrance hall.

"Any luck?" Ilk asked. Bob and Skoodge shook their heads.

"Do you think we should inform the Professors?"

"We should save that as a last recourse. I mean, he couldn't have left school, he's probably hiding somewhere." Bob said.

"Larb did cross the line this time. Poor Zim, I don't want to imagine how he must be feeling right now."

"I don't mean to sound mean, but he could have avoided this if he had just told us the truth."

"That's not something you'd like to spread out." Ilk chided. "Would you go around telling people that you're an orphan?"

"With a family like _mine_, I'd publish it in the first page of the school paper."

"Bob!"

Ilk took a deep breath. "Okay, think. Where else could Zim have gone?"

"Need a hand?"

The trio found Stink running down the hallway towards them, followed closely by Grapa and Spleen.

"What are you doing here?" Bob asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Chill out, we come in peace." Stink said, lifting up his hands defensively. "I mean, Zim and I might not see eye to eye, but if there's something that we both have in common is that we hate Larb," he snickered. "About time someone finally put him in his place!"

"Well, you could start by giving us ideas of where to look now. I think we've looked throughout half the school grounds, and there's no sign of him." Ilk said.

"Have you tried in the upper levels?" Spleen suggested. "It's got plenty of places to hide."

"We looked in the classrooms up there already!" Bob said.

"Not the classrooms. The towers. There are certain spots where you can climb out of the window and sit over a railing."

"Okay, then. We'll check the northern towers, and you check the southern ones."

"We should hurry up too before the curfew starts."

* * *

"Master?"

"Not now, GIR."

GIR might not be very smart, but, as a familiar, he had a deep sense of empathy, especially towards his Master. Their connection-level wasn't that strong yet, so he couldn't feel the same things as Zim, but he could tell when Zim was upset.

He had the feeling something was off ever since they ran out of the cafeteria and Zim looked for somewhere to hide. Eventually, they came to the northern towers and climbed out of the window onto one of the rooftops. Despite his fear of heights, GIR still followed his Master and joined him outside. Zim sat down, legs hanging from the edge, and just stared into the distance.

The night was clear and starry with a bright crescent moon. Far up ahead, there was a vast landscape with woods, prairies, and the ocean. The city's distant lights faintly reflected on the surface of the water.

"Are you sad, Master?" GIR asked innocently.

"No."

"Don't be sad, Master. Here, have a cupcake!" GIR held out a waffle with pink whipped cream and some colorful sprinkles. Zim chuckled humorlessly. GIR might not be the smartest familiar, but at least he actually cared about his feelings.

"Thanks, GIR."

Zim twitched his lekku as he heard footsteps on the rooftop.

"Zim?" It was Ilk-smeet. GIR greeted her and he to talk to Kuna.

"What are you doing here? Come to make fun of Zim, the parentless?" He said bitterly.

"No, Zim. I came to see if you were okay."

"Zim is fine, Ilk-smeet. It's not the first time someone humiliates me in public, so I'm used to it. I don't need pity."

"Zim, it's not pity, we're just worried about you. "

"'We?'"

"Skoodge and Bob are inside. So are Stink, Grapa, and Spleen." Zim scoffed at the mention of the latter three.

"I suppose they want to make fun of me?"

"Zim, nobody wants to make fun of you. They are worried."

"Why would they?" Zim stiffened, closing his eyes shut. "Not even my own mother cared about me, so why would they?"

He heard the Ilk-smeet's footsteps. He initially thought she had left until he heard some tiles creaking; Zim took a peek and realized that she had sat down next to him.

"You know, you're not the only orphan here, Zim." Ilk sighed sadly. "My parents died in an accident when I was a smeet." Zim glanced at her.

"Really?"

"Yes. I was raised by Lard Nar, a Vortian potions master who was an old friend of my mother, but still, I know how it feels like to wonder how your life would have been if your parents were with you…"

"At least you know who they were."

"Not exactly. Lard Nar has mentioned they were powerful mages, but he lost all the pictures with my mother due to an incident with his cauldron. He does tell me stories of them, but it's just… Not the same, you know." Ilk sniffed. "At least you have a chance of finding your parents someday."

Zim said nothing for a while. The two just sat on the edge in silence. After a while, though, Zim felt like he had to do something after the Irkenette had shared such a personal thing with him. Shifting closer to Ilk, he patted her shoulder with a hand.

"Sorry, Ilk-smeet." He said, trying to sound comforting.

"Thanks…" Ilk wiped her eyes with her arm and looked up at the sky. "Look at that."

Zim lifted his gaze. He was used to dark skies with one star or two, but to his amazement, he found a fully starred sky. Not only that, but there was a beautiful formation in the form of a 'river' formed with millions of bright stars.

"It's the reason this galaxy is called 'milky way,' but our people call it Irtrandil. You can't see it in cities because of all the lights, but in places without artificial light, it's as clear as day. According to ancient legends in various cultures, Irtrandil, the river running across the sky, has seen everything since the beginning of the universe."

"Ohh, like the bunch of papers I eat, master!" Gir said happily.

"If it were so easy, anyone would reach it with their spaceships." Zim pointed out. "Besides, stars are just burning balls of gas."

"As I said, it's just a legend, but it's nice to preserve our people's culture, don't you think?"

"I guess so…"

Ilk got to her feet. "We should go before we're caught, we're supposed to be in bed." Zim got to his feet and followed her towards the window.

"You know something, Ilk-smeet? I don't care what Larb says! So what if I'm an orphan? Zim is still a wizard! And when I become an Almighty Tallest Mage, I'll make Larb wash my almighty cape!"

Ilk giggled. There's the Zim she knows.

"I'm sure you will, Zim."

* * *

**Looks like Zim and Ilk have grown closer over their shared orphanhood. Sadly, now everyone knows that Zim is an orphan. Wonder if this will have a negative impact later on. **

**The Irtrandil was based on 'Ahtohallan' from _Frozen 2_, but instead of a glaciar, it's a river of stars. In my opinion, stars would have even greater memory because many have lived far before out world even came to be, so they must have seen lots of stuff. **

**Some of you may think that Zim looks a bit OOC, but I talked about that in the very first chapter. And don't worry, it won't be long before we se Dib again.**

**See you next time!**


	16. Quidirk and Brooms

**Defective Magic of Spooky Doom**

**Chapter 16- Quidirk and Brooms**

* * *

Red drummed his fingers on the desk, glancing out the window, mug of hot cocoa in hand. It was a cool, starry night. It would certainly be relaxing if it weren't for the constant sound of munching coming from his colleague.

"Would you mind eating a little quieter?"

"Sorry." Purple flung a piece of donut aimed at Nerok's head. The snake caught it in mid-air. "Sure you don't want one?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Chill out, at least we didn't get fired."

"No, but once again Flik will have a perfect excuse to rake us over the coals. You know it's his favorite sport ever since we became Headmasters."

"He's just jealous that he didn't get the job. I mean, he might be taller, but we both know who's the better wizard."

Red merely shrugged the comment off as he noted the moon was crescent tonight. "Pur, don't forget your-"

"I know, I know." Purple murmured under his breath and looked into a secret compartment inside his desk. He grabbed a round vial with a glowing silver potion. Taking a deep breath, Purple closed his eyes shut and gulped it down, shivering at the awful taste. "Puaj! Why can't I add sugar?"

"You know it would render the potion ineffective."

There was a loud knock on the door. Purple quickly threw the now-empty vial in the trash can and cast _Evanesco_ on it just as Larb Paxak stomped his way in, covering his cheek with a hand.

"What now, Paxak?"

"Headmasters, I demand that you punish Ilk Nar for _this_!" Larb removed his hand, showing a dark pink bruise on the side of his face.

Red looked back at Larb, lekku raised. "What?"

"Look at my face! This is _her_ doing and I demand that she's punished accordingly!"

"Whoa, whoa, now wait a minute! Why would miss Nar physically assault you like that?" Purple narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you provoke her?"

"No! I did nothing to her, she just came and-!"

"That's enough." Red interrupted sternly. "I shall speak with miss Nar, but right now it's almost eleven PM and I want to go to bed, if you don't mind." He made a dismissing motion with his hand, sending Larb out of the room.

"My, my, who would have thought Ilkie had it in her?" Purple chuckled. He glanced at his co-Headmaster, noticing his troubled expression. "What do you want to do about the issue?"

"It's okay, I can handle it. I want to hear her side of the story before anything. Knowing Larb, he probably _did_ something that provoked her." Red snickered. "Though, if it depended on me, I'd give her extra points for putting Paxak in his place."

**-DMoSD-**

Ilk had kind of seen this coming ever since she struck Larb in Zim's defense. She was no fool, she knew from the beginning that Larb would go snitching as soon possible. So she wasn't surprised when she saw Headmaster Red's familiar waiting for her just outside her dormitory and it beckoned her to follow it all the way to their office. She arrived just as Headmaster Purple was coming out.

"Ah, Miss Nar, there you are! Reddok's inside waiting to have a word with you. What did you do, by the way? He doesn't look very happy."

"I punched Larb." Ilk admitted sheepishly. To her surprise, Headmaster Purple chuckled.

"Not bad. Chill out, Reddok won't eat you… _yet_." That said, he strode down the hall, his snake flying after him.

Gulping, Ilk knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Headmaster Red was sitting on his desk, scribbling on parchments, probably some documents that needed his signature. His flying snake was curled up on top of its perch near the window. Headmaster Red glanced at her as the door creaked open.

"Please take a seat."

Ilk took slow, reluctant steps towards the chair. Was he mad? He wasn't acting as kind as the other times, so he probably was. Perhaps he's disappointed in her. And Ilk couldn't blame him. As she sat down in the chair, the Headmaster's attention focused completely on her.

"I heard that you got into a fight yesterday."

"Sir, I can explain-" Headmaster Red raised a hand.

"Do you see a raven in the window?"

"Excuse me?" Ilk asked, confused.

"Larb probably sent his familiar to spy on us: he likes seeing the people he talltales about being disciplined, and I guess you've heard of my… reputation. If I take a look myself, he'll realize I _know_ what he's doing. Take a look at the window and tell me if you see a raven, but try to dissimulate it."

Ilk realized what he meant. Larb wanted to see her being raked over the coals, and what a better way than to send his familiar to spy unto them. She lowered her head, but glanced towards the window. Just as the Headmaster had said, there was a raven perched on the window.

"There's one over there."

Headmaster Red said nothing. He just put his elbows on the table, tangling his fingers together. His familiar flew off its perch and closed the curtains. Ilk realized he had spoken telepathically with his snake; it's not uncommon for experienced witches and wizards to communicate in such a manner with their familiars sometimes to avoid voicing out private stuff. However, to do so, one needed a strong connection with their animals.

Headmaster Red exhaled. "Okay, now that we've got some privacy, you can tell me what happened."

Ilk took a deep breath.

"Larb somehow learned about Zim being an orphan and he just… He went and practically shouted it in the dining hall. He and his group made fun of Zim, laughed at him. And Zim..." Ilk lowered her lekku. "I had never seen him… upset before. He actually ran off in tears." Headmaster Red's expression turned briefly surprised. "I know, it's hard to believe, but I was there. They clearly hit a sore spot.

"I don't like violence, sir. I don't tend to pick fights, but I just couldn't stand by as Larb humiliated Zim and revealed such a personal issue about him. I understand if you send me to detention, but I know my conscience is clear." Ilk paused, trying to read the Headmaster's expression, her right lekku twitching nervously.

"I see…" Headmaster Red rubbed his chin. To Ilk's surprise, he let out a small chuckle. "I admit I _am_ surprised, miss Nar, but if you were defending a classmate, then I have no actual reason to punish you. However, you _will_ write a sixty-inch essay on the ethical considerations and social norms which render the use of violence prohibited in normal circumstances. Additionally, you can help me with some errands this saturday."

Ilk raised her lekku. Of all the punishments he could have given her, he picked a _very_ mild one. Instead of scrubbing kitchen pots, tagging potion ingredients, or cleaning the Irkorse stalls, all she got was writing an essay and helping the Headmaster.

"S-Sir, I d-don't know how to thank you…"

The Headmaster smiled. "Don't worry, miss Nar. As I said, you were just defending a classmate in trouble. While I do not approve of the way you reacted, I understand that you had good intentions. _But_ it'd be nice if you don't repeat this again, alright?"

Ilk nodded eagerly.

"Good. Meet me on the main hall on Saturday at eleven."

"Yes, sir!"

"Oh, and Miss Nar…"

Ilk stopped right at the door, gulping. "Y-Yes, sir?"

Headmaster Red winked, smirking.

"Pretend you're upset for a few hours. It'll placate Larb for now."

* * *

Thankfully for Zim, everyone forgot about the matter shortly after. He still got a few glances every now and then and the occasional teasing from Larb, but other than that nobody brought up the topic of his orphan status again. Neither of his friends minded about him not having a family, to Zim's relief (though he wouldn't admit it outloud). Even more surprisingly, it seemed that his physical altercation on Larb gained him the respect of some of his victims, not to mention Stink-beast's, who had been acting a bit friendlier lately.

The one downside was that the Headmasters, true to their word, increased his detention, and he'd serve it with Professor Spork, who made him write lines _(lots_ of lines) on the chalkboard, apart from his chores. Skoodge and Bob mentioned an unverified rumour that the docent body had drawn straws to see who'd have to deal with _him_ and which task he'd have, as the Headmasters seemed to believe Zim would break anything he touched (and they weren't wrong).

Not long after the last exam, Zim witnessed his first Quidirk match. During a visit to _The Green Faerie_ one saturday, he casually saw people gathered around the TV, all of them painted in different colors, cheering or groaning in dismay. He stepped clower to see what they were watching and witnessed humans clad in blue sport robes riding broomsticks, one of them holding a big brown ball. He threw it towards one of three rings, but another human, whose uniform was violet, blocked it at the last moment.

"_And Irina Parkin does a perfect block! That was close!_" the announcer said.

"What's going on?" Zim inquired curiously.

"It's the Planetary Quidirk finals!" a Plookesian said. "Appleby Arrows vs. Thundelarra Thunderers. The winner will represent Urth in the Intergalactic Quidirk championship!"

Curious, Zim and GIR watched the rest of the match. GIR often joined the cheering or groaning with the crowd even though he had no idea what they were happy about. Zim was more interested in the fact that those people flying in the TV were in a stadium with lots of people cheering. This must be a magical sport of sorts.

"What's this… Quidirk thing?" Zim asked once he got back to the table, where Skoodge, Bob, and Ilk were already enjoying a cup of hot fudge cocoa.

"It's a magical sport in which teams of seven ride broomsticks and score points to win," Ilk explained. "You earn points by scoring goals with the ball, and meanwhile you have to dodge bludgers or beaters. If the latter hits you, you lose ten points."

"That match you just saw was the Planetary Championship. All of Urth's Quidirk teams participate and the winner will represent their planet in the Intergalactic Championship against Quidirk teams from all over the universe." Skoodge explained.

"There's also the Planetary School Tournament, in which all magical schools in their respective planets compete." Bob added.

Zim just needed to know Quidirk involved flying in a broomstick to become interested in it. On monday, he approached Professor Krel during Flight Class to ask if Irkharth had a Quidirk team. He confirmed that it did, and also confirmed what Bob said about the Tournament between schools.

"I want to join!" Zim cried out happily.

Professor Krel flinched. "I'm afraid first years aren't allowed to join the Quidirk team, Mr. Zim. You don't have the broom riding experience required to participate in a Quidirk match."

"Can't you make an exception?"

"Not when it might get you injured or worse. Now get back to your broomstick, Mr. Zim." The negative put Zim in a sour mood for the rest of the class and throughout the day.

Zim stomped his way towards the library during the free period. He had to lower the volume of his footsteps to avoid being kicked out by Miss Bar, though. He walked over to the table where Skoodge, Bob and Ilk were working on their herbology homework: an essay on the magical and non-magical properties of Irken and Vortian plants. Zim should be working on it too, but he was far more interested in venting out his frustrations.

"Can you believe that Professor Krel won't let me join the Quidirk team?" Zim somehow managed to lower his shout into a hiss when Miss Bar shot him a warning glance; she was aware of his tendency to yell.

"Yes," his three companions said in unison.

"Actually, though, Headmaster Purple is the one who manages the Quidirk team. He decides who's in, who is a better fit for what position, and so on." Ilk pointed out.

"Besides, the team's currently complete and there's no need for any new members," Skoodge added.

"Oh, please, what team can be complete without Zim in it? I'm the best flyer!"

"No you are not." GIR piped in.

"Silence!"

"Shhh!" Miss Bar shushed sternly.

"Zim, couldn't you make any more noise?!" Bob growled sarcastically.

"Oh, come on, you're telling me you've never wanted to be part of a popular team?"

"Well, I _did_ want to join the Night Falls fan club, but they don't accept shorters." Skoodge sighed sadly.

"See? He knows what I'm talking about!"

"Zim, first years can't join the Quidirk team." Ilk said, unknowingly repeating Professor Krel's words, but it fell on deaf ears as Zim stomped his way to another table. Ilk raised her lekku when she realized who was sitting there. She instinctively abandoned her seat and darted after him before he did anything stupid. "Zim, wait!"

"Tak!" Zim said, stopping right next to her chair.

Tak temporally lifted her gaze from her Magic Linguistics essay to spare Zim an annoyed glance. "In case you haven't noticed, Zim, this is a library. People are trying to study, _me_ included."

"You are the captain of the Quidirk team, right!?"

"That's correct."

"Let me into the team!"

Tak scoffed. "First years aren't allowed into the Quidirk team."

"Why not?!"

"Quidirk requires balance, sharp reflexes, endurance and experience in broom riding. First years don't have those qualities and might get injured or even killed if not careful."

"How about you, huh?!" Zim insisted. "You became captain during your first year!"

Tak frowned. "You misheard. I didn't expect to enter the Quidirk team at all, much less become its captain. Professor Lavrendek noticed my potential and offered me private broom riding lessons during my first year so I could take up the vacant spot during my second year. Then I had to further prove myself through every practice and match, sometimes getting nasty hits in the process, to prove to the Headmaster that his faith was well-placed."

"But you are captain, aren't you?"

"I am, but-"

"Then let me into the team!"

Tak's patience was wearing thin; her right leku twitched every two seconds while Mimi bristled her fur. The Irkenette didn't dignify Zim with another word. She merely rolled her eyes, picked up her books and left for another part of the library, Mimi hot on her trail. GIR waved his paw happily at them.

Ilk was wise enough to give the black cat a quill to keep him from wailing and getting them kicked out. In fact, she barely managed to cover Zim's mouth before he could shout.

"What the heck, Ilk-smeet?!" Zim snapped once he got free.

"Zim, we're in the library! You'll get us banned!" Ilk hissed. She took a deep breath. "Look, Zim-"

"It's because I'm short, isn't it? Come on, it's not like that determines how good I am!" For once, Ilk agreed with Zim on something.

"It's not only about that. You were just introduced to the magical world a month ago and you're still getting the hand of broom riding…" Ilk spotted GIR making a book castle on the table, inviting Kuna to go inside. "...Sort of. GIR goes nuts when you put him in the broomstick and that nearly caused an accident on the first flight class. You and Tenn wouldn't have been so lucky if that happened during a Quidirk match.

"Besides, it's not Tak's decision to accept new members. Professor Lavrendek is the one who oversees the school's Quidirk team. It's _him_ you'd have to talk to, and judging by how you've gotten into trouble these past months, I don't think you're his favorite person for the team right now."

Zim was about to counter, but he didn't know what to say to that. For some reason the Headmasters had taken it against him. Maybe because he let the Dib-stink make a mess of their office (ignoring the fact that _he _was the one who did it), but they seemed to hold him in contempt ever since. Professor Lavrendek would never let him join the Quidirk team unless Zim did something big and impressive to prove he was up to the challenge.

"There… there _is _a way to get the Headmaster's attention."

Zim and Ilk glanced towards the table near the window. A taller student wearing red goggles with a tarantula familiar perched on his shoulder sat there. Ilk recognized him as Gashloog, the fourth year Irken who was good with magical creatures.

"Hey, who do you think you are, butting into Zim's conversation!" Zim pointed a finger at him.

"Zim, shush!"

"If you want to impress Professor Lavrendek, you're in for a rough time. He's picky and frivolous. True, while not as stern and serious as Professor Vermeillo, Lavrendek's the more ruthless and demanding, _especially_ when it comes to Irkharth's Quidirk team."

"You said there is a way to call his attention?" Zim inquired.

"Why don't we make him biscuits?" GIR suggested, holding up a book titled _The Irken Guide to Intergalactic Gastronomy_. "Tally loves snacks!"

Gashloog led them to the corridor outside the library, where various display cases were lined up against the wall. They were filled to the brim with trophies, awards and some frames depicting photographs and newspaper clippings; the Quidirk Tournament, pumpkin carving contest, Intergalactic Magic Faire, all of them showed Irkharth students winning those events and more.

"Headmaster Lavrendek was a flying ace during his time as a student. In fact, he was the captain of the Quidirk team himself." Gashloog pointed to an old picture depicting the Quidirk team from a few years back, where Purple was holding out a championship trophy up in the air, laughing as the other team members gathered around him and cheered, patting his back. "So basically, the Quidirk team isn't only a sports team, its his 'baby'."

Gashloog led them to a simpler display case whose contents were lined up photo frames showing student trios holding their broomsticks with wide smiles; the Irken or Irkenette in the middle always held a small mauve trophy with a broomstick on top.

"What is this?" Zim inquired curiously.

"Those are the winners of the annual relay race."

"Relay race?" Ilk repeated.

Gashloog nodded. "Irkharth's annual relay race is a tradition from way back. Teams of three race through the school grounds passing a baton to each other, and the first to cross the finish line is the winner. It's held every year in January."

"How is this going to help me impress Headmaster Purple?"

Gashloog pointed to one of the frames depicting two irkens with red and purple eyes at the sides and an Irkenette with azure blue eyes happily holding out a trophy. Ilk recognized her as Miyuki, Professor Vermeillo's late wife.

"Professor Lavrendek oversees the relay race more personally than Professor Vermeillo. It's a chance to make your broom riding abilities stand out. If you catch Lavrendek's eye, he'll consider you to join the Quidirk team in the future."

"Hey, Tak said the Headmaster gave her personal lessons," Zim pointed out.

"Maybe that's why." Ilk pointed to the photo from last year's race, which depicted Tak, Tenn and Min.

"Ah, Tak's performance was legendary! She was the last of her team to carry the baton but the first to cross the line."

Zim rubbed his chin. "So in order to get into the Quidirk team, I have to impress Headmaster Purple?"

"That's right."

"And the best way to impress him is to win this race."

"Yup."

"Let's get to it!"

"There's an issue, Zim." Ilk glanced at GIR. "Your familiar goes nuts every time he's on top of a broomstick. You and Tenn nearly get hurt because of that."

"Besides, you must still convince two people to form a team in order to race."

Zim snickered. "I got that covered. I know the perfect people for the job."

**-DMoSD-**

"You want to do what?"

"No."

Zim groaned. So far, his brilliant plan to convince his roommates to participate in the race wasn't working. Skoodge didn't like the idea of participating in a competition and pointed out he wasn't very good at flying, while Bob outright refused.

"Oh, come on! It's the perfect chance for Zim to show off his skills to Headmaster Purple!"

"If you want to show him how to fall off the broomstick, be my guest, but I certainly don't want to embarrass myself in front of the entire school, thank you very much." Bob bit into his croissant matter-of-factly.

"Besides, you have to solve GIR's problem with the broomstick before you even think of competing. You saw what nearly happened during the first Flight class. If it happens during a competition, someone might get hurt."

"And from what I've heard, I think you need to have your own broomstick to participate. The school brooms aren't fit for competitions."

"You're making it up!" By then, most people had grown accustomed to Zim's sudden outbursts, so nobody looked at him this time, instead focusing on their meals.

"MASTER!" Before Zim knew what was going on, his uniform and his part of the table were covered in mashed potatoes. Grumbling, he wiped it off his face, finding GIR in the now-empty plate with a piece of paper clenched in his teeth.

"What do you have there, GIR?" He inquired, not really interested.

"I don't know! A yellow fairy man just passed by our place and dropped a box with this paper attached! Can I eat it?"

"A fairy man?" Skoodge inquired. "Did he have a black hat with an envelope trimmed on it?"

"Yup!"

"Looks like someone sent you a package, Zim." Skoodge hadn't finished when Zim darted off the table, knocking his tray aside as he grabbed GIR's tail and ran off.

Chocolate flew up and caught the piece of parchment in its beak, bringing it down to Skoodge to read. Bob leaned in to take a closer look.

_Mr. Zim. _

_A little bird has informed me that you do not yet possess a broomstick of your own. I hope this little detail will prove useful to you. _

_A friend._

"A friend?"

"Oh, dear. We better make sure that package doesn't carry stink bombs or something."

Once they returned to the dormitory, though, instead of green stinking smoke everywhere, they found Zim on the ground, rolling on top of ripped paper (which GIR was eating) as he hugged a brand new broomstick with a brown tail. He didn't notice his roommates until he got bored and sat up on the ground again, laughing.

"Look at this, Skoodge and Bob! Zim has his own broomstick!"

"Holy Irk, is that…?" Bob rubbed his eyes a few times to make sure he wasn't dreaming when he spotted gold cursive letters in the broom's handle. It couldn't be! "It's a Nimbus 2000!" Zim pulled his broomstick close, offended.

"Foolish Bob, it's a broom!"

"He's talking about the broomstick's brand, Zim." Skoodge explained. "It came out not long ago."

"Who on Irk could have sent him _that_?" Bob almost shrieked, staring at the broomstick with wide eyes.

"Who cares? It's mine!"

"But what if it's jinxed or something? We don't know who sent it, and Hecate is a no-maj born so there's no way she would have been able to buy one, let alone send it _here_ through mail." Once more, Skoodge's concerns went on deaf lekku as Zim rubbed his cheek against the broomstick's tail. Skoodge sighed. "And he's not listening."

"Should we tell a professor? I mean, it _is_ kind of suspicious, especially since it doesn't say who sent it." Bob looked back at the note in his hand.

Skoodge thought about the issue for a moment. He had a point. There's not many people who know Zim outside the school unless he had a wizard family member no one knew about, but that wouldn't make any sense. He wouldn't have been sent to an orphanage if he had a living parent. But then who could have sent such an expensive broomstick? Zim's caretaker in the orphanage was no-maj born, according to him, so there's no way it could have been her. What if it's a prank? Sounds like something Larb would do.

But then again, he had never seen Zim so happy before. He had often complained about wanting his own broomstick since day one. Sometimes he'd get distracted watching older students tending to their own broomsticks during the grooming sessions in Flight class. Skoodge smiled a bit.

"...You know, maybe we should let him enjoy it for the time being."

* * *

The good thing about Dad being too busy is that he doesn't pay much attention to what Dib does after school; he doesn't even question him about what he'd do. Dib only needs to tell him that he's going to the library and Dad will happily let him go, commenting that 'it's about time he forgot about magic and non-scientific nonsense.

It's a good thing because Dib had no time for another pointless argument. Once in the library, he passed his ID card, picked a few books on magic and went to his usual spot. He wondered for a brief moment if this place had a hidden magical area somewhere like the _Green Faerie_.

His phone rung not long after. Dib grabbed it from his coat's pocket and quickly lowered the volume before taking the call; he'd already had a few call-outs from the librarian for the noise. A shadowy silhouette with red eyes appeared on the screen.

"Agent Mothman, we've been discussing the pictures you sent us," the silhouette said with a feminine voice. "Most of them were discarded as evidence."

Dib's jaw hung open. "Are you kidding me? I was there and I came face to face with Irken wizards!"

"It's hard to believe that those aliens would actually take part in suck a 'primitive concept', as one put it during a fantasycon."

Dib's forehead hit the table's surface. "Listen, like I told you before, it's a freaking school for Irken witches and wizards! I used a sort of magical fireplace called Floo network!" He opened one of the books he was researching and put his phone over the page depicting a castle. "Look, according to this source, magic people often gathered together in seemingly abandoned places to pass on their magical knowledge to the next generations!"

"Agent Mothman, while your pictures of the wizards weren't taken as viable proof, we found the pictures of the setting quite interesting. In fact, the color scheme and architecture do suggest it's of Irken design. Not only that, but we have reasons to believe that this location might be near your dwelling place..."

* * *

**Looks like Dib's back in the game. I wonder what he's planning to do now.**

**Of course, what kind of magical world would it be without Quidditch, or in this case, Quidirk? It's mostly the same rules, but Irkens tend to get a hold of foreign traditions and sports and give them their own twist.**

**Just so you guys know, from this point on the Irkharth faculty will be referred to by their surnames similar to how it's done in the _Harry Potter _series. E.G. Red and Purple's surnames are Vermeillo and Lavrendek respectively, so the students will call them Professor/Headmaster Vermeillo and Professor/Headmaster Lavrendek. The only one who'll call them Red and Purple is Zim himself for obvious reasons.**

**Aaand Zim's got a broomstick. Irk save the Tallest.**


End file.
